Right G....my profile is still active, and I agree. I have a really good female friend who has been OLD for years tell me the same thing. She also said to leave this one alone and she will be back, there was too much attraction/chemistry to just walk away so I guess we shall see what happens. I generally don't do much cold reaching out to ladies. I usually will wait until they initiate contact with me or like my profile.
Right G....my profile is still active, and I agree. I have a really good female friend who has been OLD for years tell me the same thing. She also said to leave this one alone and she will be back, there was too much attraction/chemistry to just walk away so I guess we shall see what happens. I generally don't do much cold reaching out to ladies. I usually will wait until they initiate contact with me or like my profile.
You need to start reaching out and initiating with the ladies. I told you we rarely reach out to the guys. I've reached out once or twice (BD being one of them) and I rarely "like" a guy, because I am weeding through a whole bunch of messages. The guy/girl thing is very unbalanced. If you see a profile and like it, message her! And not with "hey there". Pick something out of her profile that shows your read it and make a small message out of it.
Anyways, YOU reaching out gives you some control on what you might prefer. get on it!
I agree with pinn and LH...just be patient and if you feel like reaching out Monday then do so. If you make a plan now (on Wednesday) to reach out Monday (5 days from now), you will just stew on it the whole time.
I'm not sure how to ask this question without coming across as just being a total b!tch and I'm certainly not trying to do that because it is nice to see your enthusiasm about dating this lady, but do you really need some grand plan about when to contact again? Just be casual. Ride it out a few days and see if she reaches out. If she does, great. If she doesn't, then you can decide if and when to reach out to her. You keep talking about lessons learned and tapping the brakes early and all that sort of stuff, but you JUST had your first date not even a week ago. Like G said above, line up another date with someone else or something. ANYTHING to shift your focus because it seems like you are putting a LOT of thought into this lady. Again, I know this all sounds mean and I hope and pray you don't take it that way because I'm desperately trying NOT to come across that way. I'm excited for your excitement in this whole thing. It just seems to me that you are really caught up in something that you don't necessarily have to be. I'll probably get flamed for saying this, but if one of the women on the board were posting similarly about a man they'd gone out with, all sorts of people would be blasting them about slowing down, not going all in, taking a step back, etc. Now, obviously, some of us are telling you the same things, but no one is really giving you any major 2x4s about it like they would be giving one of the ladies.
One more thing while I'm on a roll here......your last line in your post above is that you think you read between the lines like you didn't do when you were married. I'm confused as to what you read between the lines. I say all the time that perception is reality and of course MY perception of what you are posting is totally different from your own perception because I'm not in the situation like you are. From MY perspective, you met this lady, had good communication, good dates, chemistry, then she kind of pulled back a bit, maybe because of work, maybe because she got freaked out, maybe she's busy with her kids, or whatever other of a billion reasons that is possible. And, now you seem (again MY perception) to be really overanalyzing the entire thing. I'm not putting you down for that because I'm a master of over-analysis myself, so I get it.
Just from what I have read about you in your posts, you sound like a great catch to me and if this woman is not totally blind, I'm sure she will see it, so just relax and let things flow naturally. There is no need to be in such a rush about when she will contact again or whether or not you should and when you should and should you wait til Monday and all that stuff. I may be the only one, but it just seems like you are a bit all over the place.
I say all this with a fondness and I really am happy that you had a good experience with this lady and I hope it pans out, if that is what you want. Please forgive me if anything I said sounded mean, harsh, disrespectful, etc. TOTALLY not my intention at all.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
D - Not all.....if G get 2x4's then I deserve them as well That is why I love the board!!!!! Your words and others help keep me grounded, puts things into perspective, and for that I am grateful!
I believe the reason why I am over thinking it is because this is really the first woman that I have dated where there could be potential. I know that there are others out there but I guess you will always remember your first That combined with someone really being into you after getting nothing from your X for so long has me tilted a bit.
I am much better with it today though....I also think this is part of a learning process for myself.
D...you are great and nothing was mean! I appreciate it
So much of this over the past days has been a fascinating read. I'm just not sure what is going on inside of you Joseph but something deep in me thinks you are just not ready for a real R yet, perhaps not even close. Yeah, I'm way more blunt than Dawn - who if she's worried about what she wrote and how she wrote it being offensive, I clearly am the offensive one LOL. (you are rarely if ever seen as offensive Dawn) I'm not trying to be, I just lay it out there with the total goal of helping someone. I'll put out the info and sometimes my suggestions but it really is the reader and person inside the sitch who has to decide. And with that...
Originally Posted by Joseph9
Trust your gut and if you are not excited when they first walk in the door then I would move on to the next.
You cannot be serious - if you are not excited when they first walk in the door then move on???????????????????? OMG seriously? I'm nearly speechless. I think I am speechless.
Then I read comments like "I'm just going to go dark". Again, huh? How do you "go dark" with someone you hardly even know? You are already dark when starting something brand new - right? I think sometimes people confuse the DBing principles designed for people who have been married for years and had someone drop a bomb, with first and second dates. Most certainly some of these principles clearly do apply but not all of them.
I just get such a strong sense here all of this is such a big deal to you because you want to feel like you are desirable. You have an exW who has a BF and you want to prove, not even necessarily to her but as much to yourself, you still have it and you can still get someone too. You are soooooo very hung up on looks. Again, it's almost like a trophy or something - "See, look I've still got it, look who I landed. Look who is on my arm." I'm not even saying these things are wrong or not part of the process post D. I just think you have so lost sight of what it is you are even trying for here.
Perhaps that's it, what are you looking for? Do you even know? Perhaps I should also reassure you it's okay to be confused at this point. It's okay to have all of the emotions that come with only being D'd for a few months now - or even in this entire process for a little over a year. But with every simple interaction it's as if it's a huge event. Someone liked your profile or sent you a message or a first date or even a first kiss. You so so so so so so so have to RELAX! This should be fun, not stressful. You should not be trying to analyze someone so soon so fast. There could be dozens of reasons why anything happens. People can be really flaky - especially from OLD. You need to expect pretty much anything - including someone that could actually have had sex with you a few days ago flaking out right after. This is not a contest or a competition. And it is certainly not a competition with your exW.
I really think you are going to come back and re-read this entire thread like a year from now and say "OMG what in the heck was I thinking and doing?" And that too is okay as many of us here have done the very same. Just try to drop back and have fun with anyone you go out with. Don't put so much time and effort into trying to analyze all of this. Give people a bit of time and a little chance. You don't need to plan out what should be just a two second thought, like sending someone a text into strategic planning or something. Just live. Have fun. Enjoy. You're taking all of the fun out of it with all of this intensity. You're a good guy regardless of what happens with these early dates. It's all going to be alright. Just let it happen.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Hey DH - No you are not offensive, I think it is great!
I would say that this entire OLD process has been a tremendous learning experience for me. I have said it before and my opinion on it won't change (so I probably will continue to leave you speechless). Physically speaking I know as soon as she walks in the door if there might be a potential for more.
Before OLD when people met each other randomly at bars or grocery stores or wherever you wouldn't approach someone if you didn't think they were attractive. IMO OLD in some way puts the cart before the horse. You chat first then you meet and once you meet then you go from there. The girl I went out with on Saturday even admitted as much with OLD, chat all you want but it all comes down to when you meet in person.
Going dark or pulling back in my case was stopping to initiate texting or phone conversation. So my words may have been in reference to DB language but pulling back and ceasing initiating contact in principal is the same thing we talk about in DBing with walking in the opposite direction. And yes while it was only two dates with this girl I could sense by our conversation on Monday that her responses were very brief which is why I felt the need to stop initiating conversation. She didn't ghost me but she was not engaging me back either.
I don't think I am doing it to prove something to my XW.....IDK. She has a BF that I haven't met yet but if she told me he was coming to our D's soccer game on Saturday I would tell her "cool, I look forward to meeting him". I think for me it's about continuing to move forward and it is exciting to me. I know I am a good dude, maybe I am trying to prove something to myself that all of the work that I have put in has paid off and maybe I am getting tired of self-validation. All of this could be true. I also know that while dating is supposed to be fun I don't think anyone does it to hope that they don't meet someone. People do it so they can meet someone and hopefully things work out.
Maybe I got too excited with Brunch Lady because our connection was immediate (it was also the first time that it happened to me). IDK but I don't think that the immediate attraction and chemistry happens that often. However it was a learning experience for me and a valuable one. What happens with her, I have no idea however what I learned is very valuable. We had back to back dates of which is both agreed to and was very excited about, we almost had sex at her place, and when I reached out to her on Monday I sensed something distant in her so I pulled way back.
I do hope one day that I can look back on my sitch and laugh. Sometimes I go back to my initial posts and read them in amazement but for me that is part of the journey, the process. I am a open book on the board, I don't hide anything.
I do know what I am looking for, I don't want to take ladies out on coffee dates or meet up for drinks for the rest of my life. I don't want to get married tomorrow either but it would definitely be nice to meet someone. I do agree with your analysis on the interactions. That is something I am learning as one of my lessons especially with OLD. I am a very honest person but I have realized that not everyone is that way with OLD and yes early on I need to take things with a grain of salt. My girlfriend told me that if you get two solid weeks of consistent behavior then you can start to believe what they are selling.
So definitely all learning experiences and I do hope one day I can come back and laugh at my posts. It's not where you start your journey but how it ends.
I do agree with Don on the fact that you are probably trying to prove more to yourself, rather than your W that you still got it. You know it, but having a GF is just proof. I also believe you would like to be in a relationship.
I have something kind of tough to break to you based upon my experience and the others. You are like me. A R person, not a dating person. And when we met our spouses earlier in life and without kids, we would jump in head first and go all in, get married, ect. First, we see how that worked for us. Yes, you did have a good marriage unlike mine. But it really is so different now. You do have to date a lot, because we all carry baggage now that makes us more aware, more cautious, or even more flaky, which is why dating is, indeed a lot more difficult now. It is harder to get to an R stage given all these extra factors we didn't have when we were young and innocent.
I can guarantee your experience will not be like mine. You will have much better fortune than I, and shortly in an appropriate amount of time. I am the odd one out in this situation. But truth is, dating is sooooooo much different than it used to be. Adapting to this new way of building R's and dating will take some time, but it will work out for you in the end, I am sure of it.
And if you lived in NJ, I would be happy to be the female friend to hang out with on kidless nights.
After rereading your posts about your interactions with this woman, I think you two are in different places of a relationship. It seems to me that she was looking for more of a non-monogamous fling, and you taking it slow, might of been what she wasnt looking for. It seems you two do have chemistry but after she was away from you she might of had second thoughts about how she acted or even getting rejected by you. My suggestion is to let her miss you so I wouldnt contact her and just start looking for other ladies to date. You have had 2 dates with her. If she is interested she will contact you.
M:43 W:33 M:10 T:11 D:6 BD 8/12/17 Divorce Final 1/23/2019
Sorry, but I have a question to all the guys here.
I have been told not to contact guys and let them make the moves and pursue. And if the guys tell the other guys to not pursue and is waiting for the woman to reach out, well how does anyone talk to eachother?! Both are waiting for the other to make moves, but both are afraid of pursing.
Hi G...you are right, I would much rather be in a R. Of the 6 ladies I have been on dates with in the last 3 months, 4 of them reached back out to me. I could have taken them out on 2nd dates, etc. maybe strung them along, had sex and then dumped them but that's not me. The same for Brunch Lady. I was in her house alone, and I didn't press the issue. Maybe I should have, and maybe it makes me look weak but our conversation leading up to us being alone in her house was about waiting. Truthfully, I haven't had sex in over a year and the last time was with my XW but for me it's not about that. I am strong enough to not chase it. I am not saving myself but for me it's more than that.
I guess I am a selective dater and I just don't reach out to everyone that likes my profile or that sends me an email. If I did that then there certainly would have been more dates and the opportunity to have sex and string someone along. Again that's not me, I couldn't do that to someone that I saw no future with or had no connection.
G.......I would love to be your wingman I could vet the guys for you.
That is why I love the board!!!!! Your words and others help keep me grounded, puts things into perspective, and for that I am grateful!