Only issue is her family has bought into her being the victim in all of this, LOL!
Well, that is to be expected. No matter how close we are to our in-laws, when it comes down to it blood is thicker than water and they are going to be there for their children and support them.
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I can't be the one to force her to look in the mirror. But if I escape her cross hairs, eventually there will have to be some self reflection.
Exactly. It takes a long time though, longer than most of us are prepared for.
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I have followed you and Steve in other people's sitchs, and you have been spot on.
Thank you! Michele deserves the credit, she doesn't have the time to break down her philosophies for every unique situation so that's where we try to fill in.
My sitch has been weird since I have been physically separated and there hasn't been any developments until tonight. Funny thing is, the three times my W has texted me about our marriage, I have been with the same buddy GAL. I legit told him I think our friendship is done (LOL!).
It's been about a month and a half since I have had any contact from my wife, but tonight she texted me (not vertbatim):
"I haven't heard from you in over a month. Wondering where you are at with signing the papers (simple divorce and not required for me to sign). It's not fair for either of us to live our lives in this state... (Funny she brings up fair considering she was the coward that left me on BD and flipped my world upside down).
I can't come back, I take fault, I apologize, etc. (LOL)
I don't buy any of the last part. If she took fault, her family wouldn't have disowned me.
My initial thought is anger considering she doesn't have the decency to call me and talk about this. She's conflict avoidant, so I guess it's to be expected.
We are both Christians, as well as our families, but her family are charismatics, meaning feelings trump scripture during trials unfortuantely. I have grown considerably in my faith in following Jesus, but her family seems to be the basic Christians that non-believers talk about. No substance when things hit the fan.
Brothers and sisters, any advice in my sitch? Based on my beliefs, there are no grounds for divorce. I don't want to file.
At this point, the only thing I can think of doing is calling her out for he sins, both against me and God, but I know that probably won't have an impact.
Unfortunately, her words and actions line up, as she quit her job in our state and is actively searhing for a job where she is currently living.
Completely lost TBH. I know my marriage is likely over. I just struggle that the person conversing with me is someone I have never met before.
I would say wait for couple of days and simply reply
H Wuz up been busy
Nothing more nothing less keep it always professional and business
If W text back about marriage or relationship try not to answer. You W is trying to cake eating wants to make sure you don't have OW or found new friends. Always remember you where fired from being a husband so treat W like you will treat a stranger you just met. We are nice but don't give to much info about yourself or what you doing.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
"I haven't heard from you in over a month. Wondering where you are at with signing the papers (simple divorce and not required for me to sign).
FFH, I'm not clear what this means, has she already served you with D papers? I didn't see that mentioned in any of your posts so I'm not sure if she's asking you to sign them or if she is trying to coerce you into drawing up the papers. If she wants you to draw them up then no, do not do that. The general attitude here is not to help with the D, but don't do anything to block it either. If she draws up the papers and asks for your signature, then sign it (assuming you agree with the terms). In the US it only takes one to D, you can't stop it so you shouldn't try as that will just make things worse.
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Brothers and sisters, any advice in my sitch? Based on my beliefs, there are no grounds for divorce. I don't want to file.
Don't file, if she wants a D then SHE needs to do all the work. Don't interfere, but don't do any of the heavy lifting for her.
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At this point, the only thing I can think of doing is calling her out for he sins, both against me and God, but I know that probably won't have an impact.
Oh it will have an impact, but not a good one. Definitely refrain from taking a "holier than thou" stance against her, because all she will do is flip the script on you and tell you how bad of an H you were and how you did not fulfill your Christian duties (true or not this is what she will do, it's what all WAS's do).
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Completely lost TBH. I know my marriage is likely over. I just struggle that the person conversing with me is someone I have never met before.
Given your very, very short marriage you need to consider that perhaps this is who she was all along and you just saw her "on her best behavior" for a while.
AS - 3 months into our separation, my wife sent me paperwork that is called a simplifed divorce here in my state. Essentially she used a third party to prepare the paperwork and then had it mailed to me. It came in the mail, so I haven't officially been served yet as she hasn't filed essentially. If I were to sign and fill out the information, I would then send it to the 3rd party and they would file on our behalf. It's essentially a clean break with no asset split and no court appearances. Just another example of my W doing what she can to avoid conflict.
I'm not sure if in this case I just go ahead and sign the papers even though I haven't been "served". If I don't sign this, she would then have to file directly and do all of the heavy lifting. I almost fee like her family wants me to sign this to say that I ended the marriage even though that's not really the case.
Good point on my wife being on her best behavior. Hard to imagine someone faking it for the 4 years we have been together. As much as I don't want to say it, I really think she got married for the wrong reasons. Also, when we got engaged, her sister, BIL and their kids were living in the same city as us. Literally every weekend we would all hang out, which didn't bother me. A couple of months later they ended up all moving back to my Wife's home state and now live essentially on the same property as m Wife's parents. My wife just have just broken off our engagement after they moved, but that too is conflict she couldn't handle properly.
AS - 3 months into our separation, my wife sent me paperwork that is called a simplifed divorce here in my state. Essentially she used a third party to prepare the paperwork and then had it mailed to me. It came in the mail, so I haven't officially been served yet as she hasn't filed essentially. If I were to sign and fill out the information, I would then send it to the 3rd party and they would file on our behalf. It's essentially a clean break with no asset split and no court appearances. Just another example of my W doing what she can to avoid conflict.
I'm not sure if in this case I just go ahead and sign the papers even though I haven't been "served". If I don't sign this, she would then have to file directly and do all of the heavy lifting. I almost fee like her family wants me to sign this to say that I ended the marriage even though that's not really the case.
Good point on my wife being on her best behavior. Hard to imagine someone faking it for the 4 years we have been together. As much as I don't want to say it, I really think she got married for the wrong reasons. Also, when we got engaged, her sister, BIL and their kids were living in the same city as us. Literally every weekend we would all hang out, which didn't bother me. A couple of months later they ended up all moving back to my Wife's home state and now live essentially on the same property as m Wife's parents. My wife just have just broken off our engagement after they moved, but that too is conflict she couldn't handle properly.
What a mess!
Hire a lawyer. Discuss with the lawyer.
WAWs and WWs are notorious for wanting to take the path of least resistance. One of the big wakeup calls to my W was when I contacted a lawyer. She too was trying to go down this path. The thing is if kids are involved this process won't even work.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I actually met with a lawyer when I receieved the papers months ago. Essentially he said it's legitimate, but I had no obligation to sign. The other issue was my wife has the wrong county listed in the paperwork, which I don't think she realizes. Essentially he said either she would have to file or I would. I might need to inform my wife that even if I signed these papers, the information is wrong and would need to be corrected.
Either way, one of us is going to have to offically file unless she has the paperwork corrected.
I haven't responded to her yet, as I really don't know what to say. Might sound minor, but this is a total 180 for me. Obviously the stakes are high, but I would normally speak first and think later. I have become much more in touch with my emotions, which allows me to be more patient and understanding after I have had some time to cool off and not emotions get the best of me.
Sent my wife a text back saying I wasn't going to have the conversation she was asking for over text, and said that I am available to chat this weekend at some point. Was polite, but to the point without any emotions. Haven't heard back from her, which was to be expected. The ball is in her court. I sense she knows I am not going to sign the simple divorce paperwork as I have no obligation to do so.
I think it has finally hit me. I have finally accepted that my marriage is probably over. For the last 7.5 months I have held onto hope, but as of sending that text and not hearing back from her, I truly feel like I can detach the way I have needed to since I started DBing about a month and a half ago. It's time to move on with my life, focus on getting my health back (another neck surgery) and focusing on my career. I am normally the hardest worker you will meet, but this has been really tough on my job and I have lost my drive to succeed. No more. Time to be awesome again.
I still think about her, and if she ever showed true signs of wanting to make it work, I would welcome her back with open arms, but I am not expecting that at all. There has been no sign of repentance, though she continues to say this is all her fault and she is sorry. Still don't buy it.
Thanks Steve and AS for the advice in my short time here. I will still journal and provide updates as they come along, but just wanted to share that I finally hit the point where most LBSs reach after a while of seeing no progress from the WAW/WW. I'm sure there will still be days that I get down from time to time, but I won't let that control me.
W just texted me saying at this point there isn’t a conversation to be had. Ticked me off that she doesn’t have the decency to even talk. Majority of family and friends say to just end it since I have been faithful and obedient now for 8 months. My brother is telling me to stay the course to be long suffering like Christ and to not give up.
Really confused, as when I got that text my initial thought was screw this person, and I’m done with being disrespected. I don’t even know who she is anymore. Who I knew is gone, and I’m not sure if she will ever be back. She has been enabled and babies her whole life, and I don’t see how this will change considering she is back living at home with mommy and daddy. I don’t believe she had an affair while with me, but I don’t doubt she is actively on the market inher home state since she is a codependent, low self esteem woman.
Do I go ahead and sign the simple divorce papers and have a clean break, or do I continue to fight for my marriage with the potential of her suing me and coming after my accumulated assets from the 11 months she was living with me in my marriage is the question. Being in sales, I could owe her $30-40k considering I had a good year last year.
Most of me wants a clean break so I can move on, but my faith is what’s holding me back. I want my hands to be clean at the end of the day, but in answer to God, and the easier path doesn’t seem like the right path.
Steve, really looking for your advice as I look up to you and your sitch and faith.
