wow, I get to start a new thread!! What a mile stone.
I read through the replies from everyone and WOW! Allot of great input. I have learned so much the last few weeks from all of you. I know allot of you have made the same mistakes as me and really emphasizing what NOT to do. Vapo , Neffer, ballast, Steve the great and LH19 and of course Sandi. Today started out very rough, only because I knew my wife was up in the hills camping with her friends from work and you know who. I went to work early and then after a couple of hours thought I would check my thread. I didn't expect so many vets. It made me feel 10 times better and the reassurance on what I am doing. I really appreciate the constructive criticism too. Trust me, I study every word you guys tell me. I do not want to mess this up. I know its a marathon and know it will take alot of patience and time. I will re-read everything. One quick ? The quote ...Believe nothing she says and half of what they do. Is that when W is telling about most anything? Like " Im ready to move on with my life" or things she said back right after the separation? like " I dont have feeling for you anymore and ILYBNILWY" and things like that? Just curious, right now all we talk about just the kids and I dont ask anymore ?s about R or M...everytime I did I shot myself in foot or she would say something that would hurt me to the core! I want to go back and re-read the comments for today and study and may ask more ?s
Thankyou for caring about me and my ordeal. It means a great deal to me!
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Yes not believing her applies to those statements too. Mainly because those statements are made out of the emotions of that moment. My W has said that when she was going through her waywardness that one minute she felt like staying and 5 minutes later she couldn't wait to get it. If you had asked her in the first minute you would have received a completely different answer than of you asked again 5 minutes later.
This among many other reasons is why you can't believe anything she says.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So Ive read through the last posts on my thread a few times. It really is starting to sink in.
Tonight I wanted to get out and do something with the kids. We went to a park and played Frisbee for a while and then we went to the near by college and hiked up on a hill and watched the sunset. Then went and got a icee. Ive made it a goal not to ask my kids about their mom or if they heard from her through out the day. I usually just get the bad news that she is getting ready to go out with friends etc. So when Im alone I plan on spending every minute on me and when Im with kids I will spend every minute with them. The GAL is something that I will have to force my self to do. I used to love coming home to the W and kids. Those days are gone! After reading the comments I really got the message that its going to take a very long time for anything to fall my way and the silver bullet does not exist.
"Chasing someone who is cheating on you and dumping you makes you look very weak! "
This definitely hit home today....its so true. If I saw or had a friend doing this I would let them know how pathetic they are being. This is probably why some LBH lose it all.
I know I over analyze everything, Im a natural worry wort and it drives me and everyone around me crazy. If you guys can tell than its pretty obvious. Another goal is I am going to try to chill out and relax and stop thinking the worst. This will be a challenge for me but needs to be done. Another goal is to be more positive. I don't want to be that guy people avoid because " he's just going to talk about how miserable he is and how his W left him"
I know I am upbeat at the moment. Thanks again for the guidance. If there is anything you can think of let me know. Im going to go read Accuray and Anotherstanders threads.
Right this moment I really want to win this. I know it will take discipline . I just want that shot of reconciliation, but need to go through the stages and the WW needs to go through the phases as well. Ive said it a few times, I don't want to mess this up.
Thanks again for reading out to me today. I needed it worse than ever for some reason.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Right this moment I really want to win this. I know it will take discipline . I just want that shot of reconciliation, but need to go through the stages and the WW needs to go through the phases as well. Ive said it a few times, I don't want to mess this up.
You have the wrong mindset buddy from the getgo. Let go of the wanting for reconciliation, because that will interfere with your growth. Focus on YOU and the KIDS. Let reconciliation be for now. Check your feelings for your W at the door and start doing right by you. Eat well (not a lot, but well, i.e. healthy, lots of veg. and fruit), exercise, get a new haircut, new fragrances, perhaps even some new clothes. If you can spare any weight loss, now would be the time to shed it. In this case, you might want to wait a bit with buying new clothes. You have to relearn to love yourself first. I cannot stress that enough. You are the most important person in your life, not your W and not your kids. Remember when you flay somewhere, what do the flight attendants say at the start of the flight. In case of emergency, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Please put your mask on fist before helping others. YES, YOU HAVE TO HELP YOURSELF FIRST, OTHERWISE YOU ARE NO GOOD TO OTHERS.
Now is the time to reinvent yourself. That road trip to Vegas down RT66 you always dreamed of taking, now you can. You always had an itch to take on painting, now you can.
There is a whole world out there waiting for you. But there is one catch. You have to get your a$$ in gear. Whining and poor me will get you nowhere. It is hard. I know it is. But just start small. Small changes to your day routine will make you feel alive again. And the trick is to keep pushing the envelope. One little bit at a time. Small steps, baby steps.
I am a success story. No, I have not gotten back with my wife. But I've gotten me back. I reclaimed my life. I am happy, my kids are happy, I have a great new job that allows me to travel the world, I have my hobbies, I often find myself thanking the higher powers for my life and sometimes even shouting it from the top of my voice.
You have to start your journey to the change and you have to be aware that that is one journey that will never stop.
Stay strong buddy, we know exactly what you are going trough...
Vapo...thanks for the pep talk. It feels good to read all these positive posts here on my thread. Its motivating I get more and more knowledgeable and confident by the week. I know that I have been putting so much focus on the WW and our M. She is soo checked out right now that there is no chance anything is going to fall my way for a very long time. That OM is in her mind and she is gone at the moment.
When I talk to my friends and family, It seems like they are impressed with all of the knowledge I have recently acquired. Some of the people that have gone down this road told me some of the things they wished they would have done or not done are right here in this forum. I'm very glad I found this place.
Its been very quiet between me and the WW. She dropped the kids off on Tuesday. I suppose she has been busy with the OM and that's where I need to stop. I catch myself thinking about where she is every night and day. Today while I am at work, she actually went and picked the kids up for a few hours. She had to take them to the HS to complete registration and pay fees. Of course she texted me the cost of fees and told me I needed to pay half. No big deal. I did go home for lunch and she brought them home. She just dropped them off, I stayed inside and didn't attempt to go out to see her.
So now today...new mindset!! Vapo and everyone that knows my sitch. I need you to hold me accountable (like you have been) on me detaching and GAL etc. For a while there I thought I was doing an amazing job....wrong! Its like I need a whole new makeover in a way. When I was in my 20s. I was a very outgoing and fun to be around guy. Even back in my drinking partying days from age 20 to about 28 was the life of the party. Now I know I don't need to go back to those days...not a chance. But I can now see where I calmed down...at 28 I married a 20 year old who never sowed wild oats like myself. I know she made the choice and we did very well for 17 years. I know after she started work a few years back that she climbed out of the box. She met new younger friends at work. It made her feel good that people wanted to hang out. And then of course the OM came in the picture. Now she has crossed the line and wants to go have her fun. I lost my mojo over the years and must of just settled down a little to much. But she was always saying I was way immature and that she had 5 kids that included me. So I always thought we were a good match, If anyone should have worried it should have been her. But I was faithful to her no matter what. She had 4 babies that destroy a womans body and I stuck with her. Before she left she made a comment " looks like the tables have turned"..However I never treated her the way she has treated me ever. I may have been a little grouchy but was always very considerate and was never selfish with my time or things. I never drank or was abusive in any way. She now makes it sound like I ignored her or took her for granted. I thought we were just a typical marriage raising kids and trying to provide for the family. The only reason she went to work at the grocery is that she qualified for benefits and it saved us 800 a month plus a little income. Little did I know it would probably most likely cost me my marriage. Now I want to burn the place down. Its a septic tank of low life people and drama that sucked a wonderful person into their standards.
I think she just gave up a year or 2 ago while at work and planned this whole thing. She was very unselfish, very kind and a heart of gold. I can see how she changed slowly over time and can recall some of the comments. One comment she made that I thought was just a joke. " Do feel like were just roommates"
Well sorry for rambling. I cant dwell on the past anymore. I recognize more and more everyday what I need to do form me. I need to let the old M go for now. Time to focus on me for a season.
Lane
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
No, the store did not do that to her (you). It was always inside her. And rough as it sounds, it is not OM's fault either. If it hadn't been for him, there would have been someone else.
Again you venture into mind reading. Do not go there.
"Do feel like were just roommates" there's that roommate word that I heard.
Now I get that no MR should be that, but any MR with young children will have times where it may feel like that especially in your case where you have 4 children? I would never want to have an MR that was truly just roommates, but with working and then chasing around children when not at work...its easy to take a negative perspective and say "we're roommates", but you could just as easily take the positive perspective of work and family keeps us on the go, but we love each other and we'll keep working to make time for just the two of us.
That is a poison word for MRs and I think it's a perspective that WWs use as justification for their actions...a selfish, negative one relative to the truth of their everyday life. AND you probably couldn't have been happier with that everyday life unknowing how she felt.
SATURDAY So I have had the kids all week long. This is the weekend that we were going to go to my sisters cabin. But since W has been pushing D with paperWORK EYC. I asked that we cancel. So W and her family planned a day trip today...guess what? it was canceled as well. So W just picked up the 4 kids to spend the day. I was outside when she pulled up in the driveway. She got out and I just wanted to be nice and upbeat and pleasant. I just said Hi and hows it going? . She came in the doorway. I asked when she was going to bring them back...she said later tonight. I said "sounds good" And they left. I really could have used some new clothes or something just to make me look better.I actually looked pretty good but kinda wanted to magnify that I am doing fine w/o her etc.
So today I think I will go find me some clothes. I already lost 20 lbs the first 2 weeks after she left. You all know that feeling when you don't feel like eating. However, my appetite is back and I have been eating very well. I call it the "back on the market diet. Actually, I really don't have any desire to date or anything like that. This is still fresh. 3 months since she left seems like an eternity but Im sure some of you would say that its very much brand new.
So not much interaction but it wasn't totally uncomfortable. I did hide the fact that I wish I was going with them. I guess on a good note, she didn't hand me any paperwork..lol. I kinda half expect that every time she comes over.
My feelings about detach. I know its the right thing for me right now. The last week or two has been a detach marathon and our contact has been very minimal. Its starting to feel like she's someone that I used to know and its scaring me that she is going to be gone for good. Then I remember we have 4 kids together. Eventually if I keep getting better at detaching, I will be able to have a decent visit with her like talking to a long lost friend...probably months from now so no expectations.
I just thought of something. She really is someone I used to know because she is totally different now.
I hope everyone is having a great weekend. Thanks for all of your replies and advise. It making my brain see things in a different perspective. Just need to relax and enjoy the journey.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
