Coming out of the Fog

[JujuB]

I know doodler. I am feeling bitter and anger. (I would bet you would feel the same if you were living with my mother for years and saw no end in sight though. )

And i know it could be worse. I could be in a concentration camp in north korea. But it still feels bad.

And i agree that the article zues posted is pretty realistic, but it also feels bad.

And i know all about mindfullness and detaching yourself from people and things. But that doesnt come naturally to me either.

Sorry. Just rambling.

[JujuB]

I am struggling with what to do with NG. We went out a few weeks ago. Had a nice time. Then this weekend, he was meeting a few of my friends for the first time. I had packed a bunch of stuff for a picnic. He made a pretty big deal about how i packed only a small amount of cups. (Reason being that my other friend was bringing lots of single water bottles so no need). He made it into a comic sketch about why was i bringing so few, i was being stingy, what were we all going to share a single cup. Etc. Etc. It was just so ridiculous and stupid that he made a big deal. I felt like he was looking for something to argue about. I had prepared a lot of stuff to take and my son was with me. So him bringing that up didnt feel like good natured banter. It annoyed me. I felt like he was putting me in a position where i had to explain to him why i was bringing so few cups...almost like i was a child or an imbecile.

My one friend remarked that she was surprised at the aggressiveness of it considering he didnt know her or any of my friends that well. My friends are not the uptight type of crowd. They are pretty down to earth. One was a female military officer, so she is accustumed to male humor. The other friend is pretty loud herself. I dont think its me being hyper sensitive.

I felt like it was a silly thing to make a big deal out of. And since then it put me on the defensive. Every suggestion he is making. I am doing opposite. And i am getting passive aggressive with my reasons why, when i know he is trying to help. He is helping in a pretty arrogant way and just doesnt see it.

I suspect he likes banter and was maybe trying to joke as a way to socialize. He never really talked to prr tried to engage with my friends. I dont know if he felt uncomfortable, sensed my anger or just cant socialize. He was also referring to strangers in really derogatory ways. Which ibdont like and i feel thats a bad example for my son.
Hes just so judgemental and critical. Its immature.

He hates going out in the heat, so i recognize that it was nice for him to come in the first place. And the truth is, its not an abusive relationship. I think i am actually in the position of power. I am pretty sure he
would do anything for me.

Its just i am pretty positive i cant handle that argumentative personality type.

I just feel really bad about breaking things off cause in some ways he is a really good person. He is generous to people when they are in need. Cares for animals and his kids friends when they are in trouble. He is and would be committed.

[DonH]

It's really hard to tell the "tone" or "spirit" of something like this. On its face it may not at all be anything he was trying to be mean or derogatory about, but on the other hand, depending on how it was presented, it could be very mean or derogatory - as in "how F'in stupid are you to not pack enough cups." We are not there. That said, what strikes me is this is the second time where you had a rather severe reaction to criticism that could very well just be teasing by him. The last time as I recall it was in an airport where you asked a Jehovah Witness for directions or something like that. Now it's you not packing enough cups. Is he looking for things to degrade you about or are you just being too sensitive? Again, it's hard for us to tell as we are not there. Are there other things he does like this that bother you or is it just when you do something that deep down you may actually feel like you did do something worthy of some ribbing that you don't like it? It really could be either - it's hard for me to tell.

Like the last time, did you bring this to his attention? If not, why not? Is this really something to base breaking up with someone over? Again, for me, it would be a pattern of behavior that might bother me rather than just here or there. If someone was constantly looking for opportunities to belittle me or even joke with me (what they think is joking) and it was starting to bother me, I'd talk with them about it and simply say something like "I don't know if you are intending it this way or not but what you did really hurt my feelings." See what his reaction is. I think that would be the way to address it. Most certainly the way NOT to address it is by then getting passive aggressive and doing things just to get back at him - like I'll show you, you want to make fun of me, I'll play games with you. That's just childish. For sure, this is not something you break up over - is it? Or is this just one symptom of a much larger problem? Are you looking for a reason to end things? Again, not being there, it would seem rather odd to break up over something like this - especially if you are saying that he is otherwise a really good person.

Hope that helps shed some light.

[JujuB]

In the aiport he was genuinly annoyed and took it out on me. Wasnt a joke.

With the cups, he wasnt annoyed. Just making fun. But, if you are meeting new people and those new people are your gfs friends, why would you introduce yourself by making a joke at you gfs expense. It made him look like an idiot. Cause 1. He was wrong. No need for cups. 2. It annoyed me, cause i was running around all morning with my son and had everything ready to go. I did a lot of work and hes focusing on the 1 flaw he sees. My friends know what its like to run around with a little kid and they were more like "wow. Thank you so much. This was so much" 3.it embarassed me for HIM. He came across as loud, arrogant, and belittling. And i dont have the energy to engage in the banter he is seeking. Its not funny to me. And im not in banter mood over stupid stuff. I came put of a 3 year divorce filled with petty fights for godsake!

I realize this is his personality. Its like he is seeking drama and attention maybe? Or its the only way he knows how to communicate in front of groups of friends?
He has told me in past that ex's conplain that he trys to fix without listening. Its much more extreme. He insists that his way is right and its just not. And i dont care that its not. I just dont like the insisting when i am doing something my way.
I feel like i have to constantly defend my actions cause he cant just accept im doing sonething the way i want to do it. He has to comment on anything.

Hes just extreme in his language as well. Like with a stanger with kids he says to me in front of my son "ask this b... if shes leaving". Now he doesnt mean anything by it.. he wasnt angry when using that word. This woman did absolutely nothing wrong. He wasnt in a bad mood. But seriously. Why say that?????? She didnt warrant that. I pointed out to my son he is never ever to use that word. So i think he got the hint. But its like why? Are people like that??
I underatand if your fighting for a parking spot after being in tons of traffic and you just lose it and regret it. But this wasnt like that. It was his norm.

He is like that male version of that loud nagging female. And i am going into that classically defined male reaction of silence or distancing and avoiding.

But like i said. There are really goos things too. My life would be easier in some ways. I just dont know if i can handle the extremen personality. I never really broke things off with soneone i have dated this long.

[JujuB]

I also understand that he is verbally doing to me, what i am mentally doing to him. He has a lot of good qualities, and i am ignoring those and focusing on this very annoying aspect of his personality.

I came from a man with a secret addiction and money hording from his own family. A boyfriend prior that was cheating and controlling and a liar and abusive. Last guy i dated was so cheap and selfish

. So how bad is this in comparison?. Or was my bar just set so so low ?

[Ginger1]

Juju,

What really upsets me the most about this, is he did exactly what you told him that you don't appreciate. It is an exact repeat of his degrading passive aggressive behavior.

What worries me is you are doubting yourself. That you make him do this. That because he is isn't a drug addict hiding money, you should look past something that upsets you. And rightfully so, quite honestly. You are not his child, he is not perfect, and to insult you like that in front of your friends? It's totally acceptable to find that unacceptable. Especially since you addressed this exact behavior with him.

Is being with him making you feel that much happier? Or is it making you feel worse? You say he has good qualities, which I am sure he does. But if these bad qualities make you feel so bad that the good qualities are miniscule in comparison, I would say this isn't a healthy relationship.

Juju, you are not committed for life to this man. You don't want to get to the point where you are if you aren't truly happy.

[kml]

I think your bar is set low. He only looks good by comparison to those awful previous men.

If a man called a woman a bitch casually like that (and in front of a child!) that would be it for me. That reflects such disrespect for women. It's as if you were a person of color and he referred to another person of color by the N-word in front of you.

Did you call him out on it? What was his response?

And what did your friends think of his "banter" about the cups?

[kml]

(Honestly I was willing to think he might be a bit Aspergers until you came to the bitch part).

[JujuB]

Kml, i made a big deal about how my son was to never use that word in fro t of NG. So it was well known.
Maybe not aspergergers but a TBI? That keeps popping up into my head cause of the lack of filter.

My friend thought the banter was aggressive and weird considering she didnt know him. I see him engage in this type of banter with his family, and its like they are putting on a show for guests. Its fun for them and they are laughing and trying to one up each other.

But with me, it didnt present as a sign of familiarity and comfort. It was just obnoxious for me. My feelings werent hurt. I dont doubt myself or feel inferior in any way. It was more like. I dont have time nor energy to even respond to something so so stupid. Why is he wasting my time with this ? Why am i having to get defensive with my actions? That requires an energy i dont really want to expend. Im a single mom raising an adhd kid and working 2 jobs. To argue about cups and who is appropriate to ask for ditections from is for people with a lot of time on their hands.

[Zues126]

You have my blessing to end it. And with my last post being about settling, that should say a lot. This is clearly beyond you having a thin skin. Not only is the behavior destructive, he is demonstrating an insensitivity to you, a lack of flexibility, and an uncompromising attitude where he is the ultimate authority in his mind (I'd bet real money he isn't religious, and my therapist says that people that don't believe in God think they ARE God in a manner of speaking). Beyond all of that, this is supposed to be the honeymoon stage. You seem to have bypassed that for the troubled relationship stage. What will this look like when it's really troubled?!?

Despite our now unanimous feedback I would be surprised if it was easy to end. Others say you are just dating as if it should be easy, but Ginger had a hard time ending it with HC after just a couple of weeks. Relationships are very sticky. And I know you don't look at people as replaceable or relationships as disposable, and really want something long lasting.

I just hope you don't have to go through too much pain before finding the path to ending this. And I hope more that you don't get stuck with this for good.