MrsJLS, I wonder if your H is using his lack of affection as a way of controlling you.
Yesterday, I spoke to a councillor who asked me if I'd ever consider having a family with someone other than W. I hadn't seriously considered that before. I said I would. Having a family together really is so, so wonderful but unfortunately my W now only seems interested in her career and taking money planning for a D.
I have since lost more than 2 st in weight and now have women saying to me that I'm gorgeous and a great Dad. I am a confident person but it is a bit weird hearing compliments. A few weeks ago W said to me "Gosh you're tall" - it's like she had completely forgotten the 25 years together (more than half of our lives)... and then I realised that I'm walking tall. My posture is so much better than having to stoop down to her level...
Vanilla- thank you for clarifying this, that was a great help as I was really struggling with my goals and MWD book was a bit confusing.
So we are back in London and H is back in his negative state, keeps talking that he wants to D, saying how depressed he is, saying how hurt he is and how destructive I have been during the last year (by crying, blaming him for not giving me children and not being intimate). I validated, listened and continued saying that I want to work on M. Did it make me look like I am pursuing? He is going away tomorrow... I feel that he sees me as this terrible monster who has trapped him into the situation he never wanted to be in, who has hurt him, who has blamed him and made him feel guilty... it makes me feel terrible. I keep putting myself in shoes and trying to see what he sees and I am genuiely very sorry for all the crying I have done as I was so hurt as well and in million years I didn't want to hurt him and I didn't know that I did that. Now I know. I have told him that this morning- and he said: I had enough and it is too late, the damage is done. I feel the only thing he thinks now that the light at the end of the tunnel starts with D.
Oh well... and I thought I was doing quite well. I am feeling very sad now. He might well file after he comes back from his boys holiday... so here I am - a young blonde 34 yo trying to tell her 61 yo husband she wants to save their almost year 1.5 marriage. At one point during our conversation this morning I asked myself- have I really downgraded myself to such a low point...
DavidUK- he might well use his lack of affection as a form of controlling... but from all these threads I realise that right now all I am doing is focusing on him. I must rewrite my goals and focus on myself. Just like you have done by losing the weight and putting the focus on yourself. It is amazing that you ar considering children with someone else other than your W.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
DavidUK- he might well use his lack of affection as a form of controlling... but from all these threads I realise that right now all I am doing is focusing on him. I must rewrite my goals and focus on myself. Just like you have done by losing the weight and putting the focus on yourself. It is amazing that you ar considering children with someone else other than your W.
I was amazed the councillor asked me that question. It took me by total surprise. I thought 'if I met someone genuine who didn't have a family but wanted one and who like me would be willing to work on any issues together that might ever arise, then yes I would'.
Before we split, I said to W about having another child. She said it was a "stupid" idea. Unbeknownst to me at the time she was taking money and planning D... whilst also sleeping with me and saying we were soul-mates.
I have never done drugs, don't gamble or smoke, good in all social situations, well-spoken, good sense of humour, affectionate, faithful, good at cooking, have done a great job raising my kids (top of the class by a mile) etc. However, W has taken it all for granted. She had never been in a serious relationship before meeting me so doesn't know how lucky she has been. It could take me a very long time to find someone who is compatible and appreciative.
The fact that you have been crying and upset shows to me that you care. Never be sorry for it, don't blame yourself. Your H should respect that you care enough to cry and to try, not see it as a negative.
DavidUK- thank you. It is amazing how you have put yourself together and are looking forward to the future. At the moment, I feel challenging to see that. But I hope that this is just a phase. I was driving earlier today and all of the sudden there was a song on a radio and this immense sadness came like a wave - for my marriage, for my husband.. and I just drove and cried. It lasted about 10 minutes, after that I put myself together and I am feeling much better now. Maybe I just need to let it feel these feelings and allow all these emotions out (without my H seeing them).
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Vanilla- thank you for clarifying this, that was a great help as I was really struggling with my goals and MWD book was a bit confusing.
So we are back in London and H is back in his negative state, keeps talking that he wants to D, saying how depressed he is, saying how hurt he is and how destructive I have been during the last year (by crying, blaming him for not giving me children and not being intimate). I validated, listened and continued saying that I want to work on M. Did it make me look like I am pursuing? He is going away tomorrow... I feel that he sees me as this terrible monster who has trapped him into the situation he never wanted to be in, who has hurt him, who has blamed him and made him feel guilty... it makes me feel terrible. I keep putting myself in shoes and trying to see what he sees and I am genuiely very sorry for all the crying I have done as I was so hurt as well and in million years I didn't want to hurt him and I didn't know that I did that. Now I know. I have told him that this morning- and he said: I had enough and it is too late, the damage is done. I feel the only thing he thinks now that the light at the end of the tunnel starts with D.
Oh well... and I thought I was doing quite well. I am feeling very sad now. He might well file after he comes back from his boys holiday... so here I am - a young blonde 34 yo trying to tell her 61 yo husband she wants to save their almost year 1.5 marriage. At one point during our conversation this morning I asked myself- have I really downgraded myself to such a low point...
DavidUK- he might well use his lack of affection as a form of controlling... but from all these threads I realise that right now all I am doing is focusing on him. I must rewrite my goals and focus on myself. Just like you have done by losing the weight and putting the focus on yourself. It is amazing that you ar considering children with someone else other than your W.
I find the wording of your third paragraph curious. You mention blond and 34 as if they are inherently good things that should make your husband want to stay married. I think your feelings about the age difference are worth exploring with a counselor. It’s good to feel self-confident, but no one wants to be with someone who thinks they should feel lucky to be with them.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
please don't apologize or feel guilty for crying! You have feelings, you are a human, and you are entitled to them. He's entitled to his feelings as well, and you are right to validate them.
When you said you're a young blond 34 year old my natural male instincts perked right up. I'm thinking "Hey, that sounds great!" and got curious about you. Plenty of men will do the same. The fact that he's older and you want to save it doesn't mean you're downgrading. If you are letting yourself bee talked down to or hurt, then it's a downgrade.
I've been there and done that when it comes to crying and worrying about hearing the wrong song. It's no fun, but it will pass. You'll get stronger, your demons will get weaker. Take care of yourself, work on your GAL, take back your respect, and introduce a little fun into your life - you are a young blond after all!
Now there may be something to what Rose said as well, but that's for you to consider.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Yes.. just to clarify- I didn't mean me being younger and with a lighter hair colour is by any means superior, although I realise that it might sound like that. I love being with someone older and the age difference has never bothered me, and I already done counselling many years ago with full realisation and conclusion that it is to do with my own father passing away suddenly when I was 9 yo. I will always keep looking for a father figure in my husband, and it something so deep ingrained in me, also it is alright with me as long as I am well aware of it and it hasn't disturbed my life (up to this time now). When I was thinking of the low point this morning it wasn't by me being better than him or thinking that he should be lucky with me, it didn't cross my mind at all- it was more to do with the realisation that I might be wasting my time and youth (yes, my ticking clock!) by trying to convince my husband to have children with me, whatever age my husband might be.. and downgrading by being the only one to blame for the issues in the marriage and trying to convince him to say married with me- age here doesn't matter at all. All this pursuing, apologising for crying and asking to stay and work in our marriage- that's a downgrade. I never ever thought myself to be in this position and here I am doing exactly that.
Yes, I do get male attention outside home, when I was dating there were a lot fo men wanting to go out with me but the only man I fell in love with was the man I am married to now... and my H knows that because of my absolute devotion and love for him, and that is his power.. up until now.
As I haven't had any intimacy for more than a year now, it has crossed my mind to have an A.... but I don't have guts to do it .. yet. But I can honestly say in this board that I do miss a good [censored].
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
As I haven't had any intimacy for more than a year now, it has crossed my mind to have an A.... but I don't have guts to do it .. yet. But I can honestly say in this board that I do miss a good [censored].
You already know this but it would solve nothing and only further complicate things. Rather go ahead and file for D, and then after you both have moved on, then find a new guy. I can understand what you are saying, and during my sitch when there was no sex (for months before, and months after BD), my baser impulses were definitely plaguing me. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't do it right.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If you are looking for a father-figure husband and you don’t want to change that, I can’t give you any advice. I have no idea how to have a healthy marriage with that dynamic.
I’m so very sorry about your dad, and I wish you the best of luck.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
