Need Guidance moving from new comer to MLC,

[roist]

Perhaps a short summary of your situation would help others here reply to you. Without knowing your story I can tell you now that this will take longer than you imagine. Though if you have moved over to mlc, maybe you are starting to grasp that. However be prepared for it to take even longer again. Twice what you think now.

I am not saying this to frighten you, but to point out that you have time. To me there are three stages of getting through this for the lbs. These are not the same as the stages of lbs posted elsewhere on this site. First off you need to survive, then you need to be able to really live within your situation but ultimately your aim is to thrive. All this is independent of what is happening with your WAS.

Basically do what you need to do to survive and keep sane. That does include fighting for the kids to create the best situation possible. Because you have time you can even forget about trying tovsave your M for now. But just be mindful.

I hope you get the support and help you seek.

Best wishes

[marina7]

Roist,
Hello yes I honestly didn't see this coming and it has been a yr and 5 months almost and I read alot some people and even therapist said, Why try to reconcile with someone that broke you but also broken your children's. This is a very true statement I ask myself over and sometimes I feel there is hope and there's days I also say H*ll No I will never get back with W.

A quick recap of my story

Met W 10yrs ago this year would have been 11yrs. Our story was like a love story I seen W across the room at a restaurant and W noticed me. W told Best friend, so one of W friends track me down back then on Myspace and found me.. but what I didn't know W was living with her girlfriend. So little to know W left her for me. So I have also questioned is this basically W patterns. W can't seem to be faithful to anyone.

Well we dated a yr later we where blessed with our first son we adopted together it wasn't plan this I can tell you but I knew s10 was going be my son. We both had great careers W was a veteran and went back to school to work in the funeral industry. And I always been in the business industry corporate world. Then about 3 yrs in the relationship I got another phone about s9 and d10 at the time son was 3yrs old now. I of course didn't think about it we adopted them too. I know it was crazy yrs to adjust we went from 1 child to literally triplets over night they where all so close at age. W was excited about how our family grew W even stayed home for 2yrs. During this time I can say I had a small MLC myself I don't remember much but I had an emotional affair I thought I was in love blah blah blah...but I snap out of it when I had a terrible accident that broke my face almost lost my life I honestly can say I was reborn and spiritually grew it was scary to see myself fighting for my life.

[marina7]

While I recovered W was there I still remember apologizing to W saying am sorry for OW but we never did anything. Little did I know emotional affair is also cheating. So this is the part I played in my part. I remember trying to prove to W I would never do it again. But now I can see when W started to pull away in 2015. W started going out more with friends and new friends younger while I was home recovering and now taking care of 3 kids. I went into depression because I broke my face lost many teeth needed many mouth surgery and facial. W would never be home. I of course ask W to go to therapy W would say to busy.

By 2016 W found a New career W loved and through herself in the job now again new friends only, and younger. I can say that when I became clingy, crying and waiting for W. W would never stay out W would always come home around 2am or 3am.

By 2017 W had shark eyes the kids annoyed her W words. W would yell and pick fights. W would bring up my emotional affair W would say just tell me you F*** her. I would say I know I was wrong for the emotional affair never slept with OW by March 2017 W stated this will not work by April 2017 W announced at dinner table to me and d9,s9 and s8 at the time mommy and I are divorcing W never even told me about the divorce part by then W said I already have an apartment. The next day W didn't come home at all I of course blew up W phone calling her. W stayed all night out. The following day W crab some cloths in closet put in her car and never looked back. By May is only me and the kids now. W took all our savings and checking W stated I left you everything else and you have credit cards.

[marina7]

All of June 2017 I beg and cried kids also beg W please come home. W out of monstering told d10 and s9 I never even wanted you. W told me stop making me love kids I don't want too. From May,June,july and some August 2017 W was gone I only got some text how are kids and sometimes how are you. Again I was fresh I would beg and plead always

Around August that's when I started getting help. And found amazing groups support and detaching. W noticed my backing away. I started following the rules. W then started to call more. So one day W came after I had a big spine surgery I was down. W knew I couldn't fight or even walk. W took s10 with a proposal letter basically saying I'll take him you are responsible for other two. I was like WTF. You can't do that. Well it is that easy to split kids. I didn't have money so sold many things and hired lawyers. By now W is trying to brainwash s10 didn't let me see him or talk to him. By then I filed it took couple months but I knew I was going to fight for full custody. Illinois law is 50/50 state but W is not fit at this moment.

[marina7]

By January 2018 I get s10 every other weekend's W is forced by court to have them every other following weekend while s10 stays with W during school year and s9 and d10 with me. Finally kids have a GAL. We are now in process of court next month for decision who s10 will live with. While all this kids have been in therapy. W and OW moved in together W says W marrying OW to kids. W has stated OW not going anywhere I simply reply I know and walk away.

I know and found out W left in May 2017 W took OW to family reunion on June 2017 saying OW was just a friend. Wow in shock but not really as now I see the time frame. W had OW already.

W has been a MLC monster lots of anger. W childhood was not great W dad alcoholic and beat W mom constantly. This is why W listed in military to get away. W words. W never got help for childhood trauma.

I also can say though this lost. I started therapy a yr ago and alot of my anxiety and anger had to do with my childhood so one thing I got out of this is starting to know myself understand what happened to me as a child wasn't my fault. And I have became a better person and parent for my kids.

[roist]

Thanks for the background. It'll help people here help you. Some people don't have the time to backtrack threads.

How is your face now?

It does sound like you have taken some good steps along your path. Continue.
I would urge you to be wary about judging W. Maybe she views you as the unstable one!! If I draw the number six on the ground and people looking at it from a different angle would swear that it was a 9. This is a small thing
, tiny in many respects but it could influence your thoughts and actions unconsciously. Therefore best to avoid negative thinking and labels.

Best wishes

[Kyh]

Sorry you’re going through this, I’ve been in a similar situation and know how nerve wracking that wait is. I think it’s great you and the kids have gone to therapy. Not only is it good for you but it will look good to the GAL. Mine asked me about it several times. I can’t imagine there are many circumstances in which a GAL would want to split siblings up, especially that close in age. I think something that helped in my case was making sure any concerns I had w/ex were journaled and explained (so it was t like I was tattling on her) and also keeping her up on what I was doing for myself and the kids. I hope the kids are doing alright. GAL interviewed my kids alone a few times in addition to with me so I assume it’s similar for you. That has to be a lot for kids their age to try to understand (maybe that’s good) and deal with. Take care of yourself and kids, and stay positive.

[marina7]

Kyh,
Yes, am not sure if nerve wrecking is the right word. I must say this has been my toughest battle I ever have fought, and I had a pretty F up childhood I survived the streets and my crazy family but this is the worse thing I ever went through and the pain horrible.

When it comes to my kids this momma bear comes out W several times after separating them then W would tske s10 to grandparents house so d10 and s9 would not see him. It took several calls and emails W finally had it written by GAL you can't separate children's and W still didn't understand finally GAL valled W in.

I till this don't know why W did this is gut wrenching to see my kids breakdowns W is just horrible to us.

So taking it a day at a time

[marina7]

Journaling,

So since ER scare W been different, W sents me text about D10,S10 and S9 school supplies W stated,

W I purchased there supplies for school and brought cloths for d10,s10 and s9 FYI
M didn't see W message
W Is that ok with you
M Yes thank you I have s10,d10 and s9 school supplies and book bag ready.
W so do I return them back
W helllllo
Me is up to you if kids want them and is ok with you they can keep but if you like to return is ok also kids already have there bags ready for school.
W so should I return and purchase them cloths
M is all up to them and you.
W ok thank you GN


I must say 1yr and 5 months since BD this has been the most we text, I noticed that W calls our children's Them. Where I say my Trios. Is weird W is being nice but when W is nice it means W wants or need something. Or maybe W might have finally realized the day of ER W would watch kids and I I would catch W staring at us play or talk ir us 4 laughing. Not sure what W was thinking but speaking for myself I would have told myself fight for your family or wow marina you really f up must fight for your W and kids. But I know W has many more years for W to see especially my W she is stubborn never wrong. And W pride is her biggest enemy W is to prideful W also is a Leo sign and it fits W right in.

[job]

Have you read any of Wonka's threads over on Newcomers as well as here? You might want to do a search of her threads. I think that they may help you a bit.