Well, meeting up with other men serves a few different purposes for me. 1) I can have some fun with another person without having to think about my sitch 2) it gives me someone to talk to, bc we had agreed we wouldn't be talking to anyone about what's going on until we get a better idea of what we're doing 3) I think it makes H jealous
Yeah, in retrospect, I shouldn't have commented on his weight. And I need to find more ways to not be pursuish. I think what's really hard is that we both want to be around to put the kids to bed in the evenings, so when we "go out" it's not until after 8. It's just... idk, it's hard.
What about the idea of saying, "it's my night out, so I'm not coming home until late. You can do bedtime routine. When it's your night out, I can do bedtime. It'll be more divorce-like."? What do you guys think?
Your first two purposes could easily be accomplished by doing something with other women. It really seems like you are doing it to make him jealous. It's not good DBing.
As for the bedtime issue, the way you have it worded sounds like you are trying to control him. Better to say, "It's my night out, so I'm not coming home until late. Go ahead and do the bedtime routine without me. On your nights, I can do bedtime by myself if you want."
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Yes, David, I think he is trying to find me a better job. I know he has guilt about how much less I would have if we were to D. And basically I'd like 700 a month in child support if we split 50/50. It's nothing to sneeze at, but there's still no way I can afford our mortgage with that alone.
Rose, yes, I think I am trying to make him jealous. I.... am trying to find where that is a bad thing in DBing? I couldn't find anything explicit about jealousy being a bad thing. Also, I don't know any women that are my age and aren't married with kids. Not exactly like they're looking to go to a bar in the middle of the week :-/ But if it's truly a bad thing, I'll stop. Seriously, can you tell me what page? I have the DR book.
I can try to look to do other things outside of the home... but it's just so GD boring.
It's hard to prove a negative. What do you read in DR that makes you think hanging out in bars with men to make your husband jealous is DBing?
And if that's the only thing you can think to do outside the house that isn't boring, you have a bigger problem than the state of your marriage. Focus on solving that one.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Do you understand what the premise of DR is? The way it works is that you make you your best self and put your focus there. hanging out with guys to make your spouse jealous is game playing, not making your side of the street clean.
I have a child and I have friends with children, and I have single friends. We all go out without the kids and husbands, or with the kids.
Do you have hobbies? Groups you can join? Like exercise and can take a small group fitness class where you get to make some friends?
I think it might be time to start working on discovering you.
Hi Eryam, in some ways it seems you and your husband have built up so much resentment and got so off-track in the marriage that it's probably hard to remember what love feels like and how to offer it. This is a fragile time so every little action could make things better or worse. Perhaps when your husband saw you're going out with other men it pushed him over the edge and made him file for a divorce he didn't necessarily want. That's just speculation but it could be an example of how the way one of you perceive the others' actions, or how each other's actions are meant to affect the other, can make things worse at this time. Perhaps the DB guidelines for 180's and GAL could still help you to turn things around if you do them with the right intentions. I hope it's still not too late for you and your husband!
Well, meeting up with other men serves a few different purposes for me. 1) I can have some fun with another person without having to think about my sitch 2) it gives me someone to talk to, bc we had agreed we wouldn't be talking to anyone about what's going on until we get a better idea of what we're doing 3) I think it makes H jealous
Yeah, in retrospect, I shouldn't have commented on his weight. And I need to find more ways to not be pursuish. I think what's really hard is that we both want to be around to put the kids to bed in the evenings, so when we "go out" it's not until after 8. It's just... idk, it's hard.
What about the idea of saying, "it's my night out, so I'm not coming home until late. You can do bedtime routine. When it's your night out, I can do bedtime. It'll be more divorce-like."? What do you guys think?
Someone else already said, you don't need men to accomplish the first two.
If it is truly only to make him jealous, he probably knows this. That's why it isn't advisable. It's a game. Get real, be you, be strong. Strong people don't play games.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
