Thanks for continued support. I'm working the steps of AA and having marvelous results. I'm spending as much time with my son as I can considering all the self-improvement work I'm doing. I stay in constant contact. I see him at least once a day. I've stopped all questions and comments about our marriage, future, and the affair. I have finished DR and identified my wife as a wandering wife in a midlife crisis. The only guilt she has expressed is over the breakup of our family unit. I'm setting goals for 180s, GAL, and detaching. Things are going about as well as they can be for now. I lost my wedding band for about a week and she noticed, but I found it this morning. Other than that, no real issues of any merit have come up for almost 2 weeks. There was one instance where she wanted to begin a conversation on scheduling, specifically about dividing time with our son when I move back home. She has the idea that we will get an apartment and switch out so that our son stays at home with one parent at a time. I just said I didn't know what I wanted but would be thinking about it. With the understanding provided by my attorney I know that I can refuse this. If she needs the space to find herself and pursue an individual agenda, she can get her own apartment and see what it is like to support herself and be alone.
Me: 48, Her: 45 Son: 13 Married 15, Together 17 Affair started: 4/1/2018 ILYBINILWY: 6/4/2018 Affair confirmed: 7/15/2018 Detachment started: 7/20/2018 Divorce first seriously discussed: 8/3/2018
Well, she has said she wants to move forward with divorce. She wants to talk about what we might tell our son. She knows that I will be returning to our home, so she is thinking of getting an apartment. The first shock was that she wants our son to come with her. This is way different than her idea for months now that he would stay at home and we would each spend as much time there with him as we felt comfortable with. She has said the apartment would be very close by, maybe right across the street. She says there is a lot of room for fairness and there are a lot of possibilities. She does not want to put off for much longer getting things on paper. She says there is a lot of room for negotiation and she doesn't want me to agree to anything I am uncomfortable with. Direct quote: "I don't want you to come home with the unrealistic expectation that there is a marital future between you and me. I'm sorry that I have hurt you. And I know you are sorry you've hurt me. We never meant to do it to one another. "
Last edited by RWAlan; 08/03/1805:36 PM. Reason: Added a quote
Me: 48, Her: 45 Son: 13 Married 15, Together 17 Affair started: 4/1/2018 ILYBINILWY: 6/4/2018 Affair confirmed: 7/15/2018 Detachment started: 7/20/2018 Divorce first seriously discussed: 8/3/2018
I keep repeating the above mantra to myself. It's early days so it's easier said than done at the moment.
Originally Posted by RWAlan
Direct quote: "I don't want you to come home with the unrealistic expectation that there is a marital future between you and me. I'm sorry that I have hurt you. And I know you are sorry you've hurt me. We never meant to do it to one another. "
The only surprise was the change in plan for our son. I'm still operating under the VERY well established fact that she is in full midlife meltdown. I didn't commit to anything and was very brief in my responses. For the last 2 weeks now I haven't said anything that I'm worried about. It seems like she might be trying to get serious with this affair partner which is disastrous for her for so many reasons. I have to weather the storm for a few more months at least to give this situation some more time. It has only been going on for 4 months. As for the many things she has said over the last 2 months, it has been so inconsistent that it is difficult to believe much of anything at this point. I'm moving forward with my detailed plan of action.
P.S. If she keeps dragging my son through this though I might have to take some preemptive action.
Last edited by RWAlan; 08/03/1808:21 PM. Reason: added postscript
Me: 48, Her: 45 Son: 13 Married 15, Together 17 Affair started: 4/1/2018 ILYBINILWY: 6/4/2018 Affair confirmed: 7/15/2018 Detachment started: 7/20/2018 Divorce first seriously discussed: 8/3/2018
So I found out that my wife told my kid that she would be gone for 2 days downtown with friends. He was so confused. His mom has been leaving regularly for months. She told him she wouldn't do that anymore. Now she is just a few miles away staying in a hotel for 2 nights. I'm having trouble explaining to him what is happening. This is making it extremely difficult to even want reconciliation. Her selfishness is getting out of hand. It looks to him like his mom is building a new life without us.
Me: 48, Her: 45 Son: 13 Married 15, Together 17 Affair started: 4/1/2018 ILYBINILWY: 6/4/2018 Affair confirmed: 7/15/2018 Detachment started: 7/20/2018 Divorce first seriously discussed: 8/3/2018
Very conflicted today. I'm having doubts about this approach to my situation so I'm re-reading the appropriate sections of the book and these forums. There are of course alternate ideas floating around in books and online. Some of these are very appealing, but none seem to fit my situation as well as the MLC/WW double-whammy discussed on these forums. It has been about 17 days of virtually no contact and the situation seems worse now. I continue to improve in a lot of ways, but I still get anxiety when I even think of some of the particulars, especially the affair and her recent mentions of divorce. I'm working the 4th step of AA, which is an inventory of resentments, fears, and sex history and it seems to be helping. The trauma therapy is great for childhood issues, but a bit of a challenge for such recent shocks. I will continue to report here. It is the one place online that I feel like I can share everything and get support. Thanks to readers and contributors.
Me: 48, Her: 45 Son: 13 Married 15, Together 17 Affair started: 4/1/2018 ILYBINILWY: 6/4/2018 Affair confirmed: 7/15/2018 Detachment started: 7/20/2018 Divorce first seriously discussed: 8/3/2018
RWAlan, so the alternatives to giving her time and space is to NOT give her time and space. How do you think she would react to that?
If she hasn't contacted you in 17 days, likely she doesn't want to talk to you. So again, your alternative is to try to force her to talk. Usually doesn't work too well with WW, MLC or not.
You are doing the right thing. But you are still too focused on her. Quit counting the days. Concentrate on GAL. Be busy from the minute you wake up until the minute you go to sleep. If she wants to talk she will initiate.
So what our your GAL plans for today?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I get up at 5am and enjoy having coffee and cigarettes on the back porch while I read. I then head to work listening to an audio book. I keep pretty busy at work, but do take time to check these forums and do a little step work for AA. When I get home I have commitments until 9pm. I usually go to bed at 9:30pm, so it is a very full day.
P.S. Are there any references or good examples of signatures?
Last edited by RWAlan; 08/06/1804:38 PM. Reason: Added postscript
Me: 48, Her: 45 Son: 13 Married 15, Together 17 Affair started: 4/1/2018 ILYBINILWY: 6/4/2018 Affair confirmed: 7/15/2018 Detachment started: 7/20/2018 Divorce first seriously discussed: 8/3/2018
I get up at 5am and enjoy having coffee and cigarettes on the back porch while I read. I then head to work listening to an audio book. I keep pretty busy at work, but do take time to check these forums and do a little step work for AA. When I get home I have commitments until 9pm. I usually go to bed at 9:30pm, so it is a very full day.
P.S. Are there any references or good examples of signatures?
That is pretty non-specific. So if your WAS called you right now and wanted to meet tonight at 7pm, could you legitimately tell her you have plans and will have to schedule for a week from now? Or are your GAL plans so soft, and your desire to communicate with her so great, that you would willing agree to this meeting?
GAL is so important that I cannot stress it enough. When I say busy I mean more than just smoking and sipping coffee. I mean getting up and doing a full workout before you get ready for work. Solid plans in the evening.
W calls, "can we meet tonight at 7pm?" "Sorry, I am busy. I can pencil you in for next Monday at 7pm." See what that does? Suddenly she is thinking, "why is he so busy?" "What is he doing?" "Why is he not more willing to meet with me? A month ago he'd beg me for a meeting!"
On the P.S. no, we just put in the details and dates of our sitch that give a broad enough pic.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
