Great job JLS! The baby steps work. and then they don't, and then they may again. Issues I am working on is of course the patience and time. We all want it to be fixed now, back to our MR and a future. It just doesn't work that way. 1 step forward, 2 steps back. You will make mis steps. Recognize them quickly, adapt, even duck and cover if necessary. On my side, the other gender I mean, we look to be the fixer, to solve the issues quickly and move on. Not very patient and the LBH is fairly lost. I can only imagine what it feels like on your side as a LBW. My suggestion, FWIW, is to read through other's situations and see the similarities. EVERY sitch is "slightly" different. Ea/Pa, grown apart, your particular issues to overcome, so EVERYONE feels so isolated, alone and that their situation is so unique. If you pick away at the minutia (he likes dungeons and dragons and I am an athlete so we have nothing in common) anyone can justify S or D on its surface.
This board offers you the ability to read, reflect, comment on other situations and for also you to understand that although NONE are exactly the same, MOST are very similar so that gives us the ability to know that we are not alone. Many other couples experience this. Happiness and togetherness area choice.
Best advice from me IMO, be true to yourself. The introspective analysis into who you are, your personality, desires and future goals you have to be honest with. As far as MR, my personal view points is that outside of major issues (hard drugs, major abuse, infidelity, etc.) Happiness is a choice. I believe if you love someone, you will in some way love them forever. It is one of the strongest emotions we get to experience in our lives. It doesn't happen often (at least not for me. pushing 52 and only loved 3 women in my life. I would question one as more of puppy love as it was a long term high school romance, but it was true love. You can take the "life [censored]" approach. And many have been in and out of this realm very much from time to time
Somehow, our current spouses have the ability to close us out as they see the exit our of the MR as their "golden rainbow" to happiness.
Do you have to the time to DB, make it work and rekindle your MR?
No One Knows.
Me. together with my W for 21 years. She is still the sexiest, most attractive woman I have known. More importantly, outside of her health issues, she is a great mother. Hoping for the best in your situation!!!
Keep your head high!
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I am reading other posts and I am very well aware that I have to be very very patient and navigate through these changes very carefully and very slowly without any backsliding from my side. This forum has given me so much already- I don't feel alone in this and reading other experiences helps me enormously. I realise that I have to work out my own issues (insecurity, need to feel loved, GAL) first before asking something from my H.
Nothing much happened yesterday, I think he only touched my shoulder once but he appeared to be a bit more cheerful than before and he said a few jokes and generally was in a good mood. When he went out shopping yesterday he asked me if I would like anything and I jokingly said- "a chocolate please". H is on 5-2 diet and yesterday was his dieting day. H smiled and said- "that's not fair, I am on a diet!" Nevertheless, he came back with a big bar of chocolate, gave to me and said- "I can be nice to my girl sometimes"... I know I shouldn't assume anything but I thought that he enjoyed doing something nice to me.
Tomorrow we are travelling to stay with his friends' at their house in the middle of nowhere- it was planned some time ago- nothing romantic as we will sleep on the bunk beds but again I have a great opportunity to show myself from my very best. I really have been doing that since our last horrible evening 2 weeks ago and I notice changes... no pursuing seems to work as well and he hasn't mentioned D word for about a week now. I just need to remind myself to keep going- smile, be cheerful, confident and fun regardless of what I feel inside... and it remainds me that I was like this when we first met- very confident and hopeful for the future.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Ha... you were all so right- one step forward and two back... he is very cold and distant to me today. I half expected this to happen yet it does hurt. Of course, I am not showing that to him.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
You cannot analyze it at all. You can only be yourself. They make no sense. In my sitch, if my W feels like she is falling back into any sort of "comfortable zone" with me, she finds some way to try to pick a fight, antagonize or just becomes the cold and distant person you said your H is today.
It is not pleasant. I can tell you that their roller coaster is real. Do not board the ride! Be a lighthouse bystander. Detach. Validate when approached. Do not pursue. GAL and do your own thing!
JMHO.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Ha... you were all so right- one step forward and two back... he is very cold and distant to me today. I half expected this to happen yet it does hurt. Of course, I am not showing that to him.
Its difficult sometimes on this board as you have so many contrasting views and very little or low success rates in achieving a long standing or permanent recon. I look at some peoples advise and its all nice and fluffy and sometimes I feel like the advise I give is less sugar coated than most - but at the end of the day, I have been through this process myself and have experienced the ridiculous highs and lows that accompany it.
However, as we sit here today I am in a favourable position and I know how disconnected from my W I got, in order to provide an environment that would allow her to leave, but have the ability to look back and think (what if I am wrong). We talk about it on a weekly basis so I am aware of what works and what doesn't from both sides.
I did mention yesterday that I believed the cinema trip was a bad idea. It might have been all friendly and innocent to you, however thats to you, not him. To him, it would more than likely still feel like pursuit and same old JLS in a way. By that I mean that it is obvious you still want him back. (I believe you even counted the number of times he kissed you) Which to me personally is the wrong signal to be giving out. Your are still available - which doesn't give the other person any danger signs that you might not actually want to be with him either! - seems counter intuitive but the best way forward without a shadow of a doubt is to create a healthy amount of distance and to act like they are not around anymore - like they have died - force yourself to go into the mode and you will find a part inside of you that will be more of a beacon to him - than any other technique or tips here will achieve. I promise you that.
Benito I read your message several times and intuitively I know that you are absolutely right. My H has a history of on/off relationships in the past and with me.. he is a distance but I also remember him being a pursuer- he came back to me with a proposal when he knew he is losing me and he desperately wanted to get married as soon as possible. I know that now I have to show confidence and distance and somehow make him realise that he might lose me (but how? As we live together and sleep in the same MB albeit no touches, kisses never mind no ML) yet I am struggling with this concept because I want to show him that I am an amazing wife, the spouse only a fool would leave.., a lighthouse. And in my mind if I create distance I will only alienate him because he will not see how wonderful/fun I am. I guess it is a balancing act but I do wonder if anyone has experience with how to do it.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Benito I read your message several times and intuitively I know that you are absolutely right. My H has a history of on/off relationships in the past and with me.. he is a distance but I also remember him being a pursuer- he came back to me with a proposal when he knew he is losing me and he desperately wanted to get married as soon as possible. I know that now I have to show confidence and distance and somehow make him realise that he might lose me (but how? As we live together and sleep in the same MB albeit no touches, kisses never mind no ML) yet I am struggling with this concept because I want to show him that I am an amazing wife, the spouse only a fool would leave.., a lighthouse. And in my mind if I create distance I will only alienate him because he will not see how wonderful/fun I am. I guess it is a balancing act but I do wonder if anyone has experience with how to do it.
OK..
The question how do I make him realize, is part of the underlying issue in my opinion.
If any of your actions or behavior is to trigger a response that is outside of yourself then you are not being true to yourself.
At the start of any relationship, you dont have to convince or entice the other person in, generally you are enough just being yourself. Thats the excitement of it.
At this stage it seems counter intuitive but the more you focus on you and I mean that literally 100% focus on you and your wants - without any concern about the consequences is the only way to send an unconscious message that his power over you is no more and you are more interested in your life than convincing him he has to be part of it. Its so so hard and scary but the only way to ensure an authentic ending - which ever way it goes.
There is no magic trick to this. You have to truly let them go ... for them to be able to return.
It has been several days since I posted. H and I were away at his friends house in the middle of nowhere. It was interesting and lovely and we had a lot of laughs and fun together yet... there were misunderstandings too... and one morning I woke up in tears just being so torn apart by his lack of affection and constant rejection and my longing to have a happy marriage and a family . I have been thinking a lot about what Benito said about letting your spouse go... and if they return then it is much more solid than me trying to make this R and M work. The whole point of DB is to stop trying doing anything and get over your insecurities and be independent and confident and self sufficient. Intellectually I am aware of it but in my emotions I find this concept very challenging.
H is going away for boys holiday on Friday for a week with his mates ( I supported it) so we will have some valuable time apart...
I realise that this change of letting him go and fully accepting that my M might not work and be absolutely ok with that .. has to come from my heart. And I am putting that intention inside me. And be free myself and set him free. Sounds easy and romantic on writing but inside me I am shaken.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Apologies for being MIA, have been dealing with a personal issue, which is on my own thread in surviving.
Goals
OK goals are about your own actions, things you do.
Outcomes are the result of the goals and it's how you measure the goals are effective.
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Goals are:
Action orientated In the present tense Personal Measurable Capable of changing that is you do that which works. ----------------------------------
So a great goal might be:
I have activities that I enjoy and I go GAL three times a week.......... The goal is enjoyable GAL the measure is 3 times a week, the outcome is (dancing 3 times)
I am happily exercising, and I go to the gym 5 times a week go running etc The goal is exercise the measure is 5 times a week the outcome is being able to run 3 miles
Now
I am looking fabulous, I dress to the shoes every day, I wear perfume etc and H mentions how lovely I look and I feel amazing
The goal is looking fabulous the measure is every day the outcome is H says how lovely I look and to feel amazing
The goal isn't H says how lovely I look, you have no control over H or what he says
You are detached from H saying you look lovely, it's an outcome, great if he does and great if he doesn't because you feel amazing anyway.
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I trust that explains.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/08/1809:56 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
