Good job M.....you are correct the D word should have no power over you at this point. To me there is more power not fighting it, more power in walking away, more power in letting her take her journey....to me that is power. Power is showing them that their words and actions have no influence on you at all. That is power.
You do what you want to do when you want to do it and don't let anyone else tell you differently.
I think there is a massive issue with how people view themselves.
(Themselves) - being the I or me.
This mental self image is constructed from birth and is a massive mash up of thoughts and experiences that shape how we interpret the world. We have individual traits of course, but we become very much a product of our environment and tend to fall into roles that define us - such as husband, provider, dad, wife, etc..
With this role comes responsibilities that society dictates to us via media and other formats - so we do the best job we can to fit into this (I am nice/normal) lifestyle where you do the things that you think other people would expect of you.
When you are married, it confirms this (fitting in) might actually be working - otherwise why would someone marry you otherwise? So things go well until one of you has a moment, it may be meeting someone else, or it maybe something like a death - that shakes them to their core and they snap out of this role and they are reborn mentally. Totally present.
They then dont want to be with you because their true self never wanted you in the first place, their nice person mask/lifestyle did.
This realisation you are having is more a realisation that you are more than a role. You are an intelligent man with options. So you feel confident and rightly so.
Dont mix (i still love her) feelings with comfort/familiarity feelings - its eeerily similar and easy to feel like (I still lover her mannnn!) when in reality you are missing the comfort and safety of the situation.
I like your introspection - however alot of introspection suggests you dont trust yourself that much. Just be and let whatever happen just happen. Just react to whatever situation as you see fit and stand by that decision. There is no such thing as perfection so dont try to hard to reach it pal.
Maika- Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your trials, your tribulations, your successes and failures- these life lessons that you share will all help us navigate these turbulent waters ahead. For you staying around and giving us hope and wisdom. It is truly appreciated. Good luck on the rest of your journey!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
J - taking all that power back is so liberating. You're right about what LH says, and I love his tag line about not chasing people and being yourself. The right people in your life will come and stay.
Benni - Totally agree. You nailed it about the shaping of identity and how you are more than your role. Yes, I have been cognizant about getting stuck in the analysis and introspective phase. I found and opened pandora's box finally and I needed to see that process through. I've come out on the other side and the introspective phase is over. I found the answers that I was looking for and now it's just action, which has come surprisingly easy once I got to the bottom of the dark ocean. Now I am on my way back up and can see the light peering from the surface of the water. I am not religious, but this almost feels like an adult baptism with some preacher dipping my head in the water and bringing me back to myself.
LW - Appreciate the kind words. This community saved my life. I am doing what I can to pay it forward and if something in my story resonates with even one person to make the necessary shifts in their life, I would've been glad to be of service to them. Good luck on your journey as well!
You are definitely valued around here, and you have certainly paid it forward and then some. I know that I wouldn't be in as (relatively) good shape as I am if not for your advice and perspective. Thank you for your contributions, both to me personally and to the community. You are never done your journey as long as you are still breathing, but you have found your strength and emerged from the maelstrom as a warrior.
What Benito said resonates with me, and reminds me of something you wrote to me earlier on - ultimately a lot of this comes down to actions and putting principles into practice. There is great value in knowledge, especially self-knowledge, but ultimately what matters is acting on it. I can read other people's stories, I can devour books on self-esteem and reframing mindsets, I can realize the codependency traits that have hurt my relationships, but none of that really matters unless I actually start shifting my behavior, my actions, my thoughts in a way that reflects this new knowledge.
Whatever happens from here forward, you are in charge of your life, and that is what matters.
suerte,
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Davide - appreciate the kind words. I know your journey has been up and down and I am following it even if I don't always comment.
You said it perfectly - putting principles into action through practice. Knowledge is valuable, but without practice it's just all an intellectual exercise which gets you nowhere in terms of reaching your goals and achieving more in life.
As I have mentioned in my threads, BD was one more traumatic experience in my life to add to many others that stem from childhood. So I knew that I had to deal with everything not just BD. What I found was that despite my best intentions and making processes and paths for myself for all the actions I wanted to take, my implementation was quite uneven and much less satisfactory than what I wanted. I looked at all variables and realized that I needed to figure out emotionally what was going on and excavate the root causes.
So, that process led to many self-discoveries and I read and thought about things a lot and questioned everything for the past few weeks. And that brought me to a place of clarity that I hadn't come before. So now, the actions are not difficult to implement because the underlying emotions that were the impediments are being healed.
Yeh, action and knowledge are both necessary and they complement each other. I think I went the action route much harder than the knowledge route and there was this imbalance. I have brought it into more balance now and will keep at it.
Ultimately, the fruit is in the results. I feel lighter and positive and capable of going after what I want. I don't have the victim story controlling me any more. Just gotta keep moving forward and making sure not to slip up on action. More knowledge will always come through action and doing things. I went back to get to equilibrium and now there's no need to go back in the past. After just over a year, I am finally at a good starting point.
buena suerte a ti tambien. no te preocupes porque la vida es maravillosa.
So a few things have happened in the last 2 weeks which indicate that W is lowering the drawbridge from the moat and peeking her head out. Now, there are three reasons why that might have been happening:
1. She is having doubts about the S 2. She is throwing crumbs again 3. She is wanting me to acquiesce to what she wants to happen and is saying things to get my defenses down
I have absolutely no idea right now which one of the above is true. However, I am not a new kid on the block and I acutely remember how it felt to be thrown aside like trash. Now that her fancy uni life is over and her new besties have gone back to their lives, is this giving her a new dose of reality check and wants to come back for some cake-eating? I dunno. But I also am no fool when it comes to cake-eating.
I don't want to get into more details about specifics, but lets see. I am hanging back with no expectations and doing and saying things that I feel are genuine and authentic.
The next few weeks will shed some more light on this. In the meantime, I am continuing to be awesome and moving forward in my journey. I have my guard up on high alert and will sniff out any bull$hit as soon as I see it.
You are so much stronger now. So long as you are working from that position of strength you can't fail.
Much luck.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
