I just don't see any good coming from contacting her. You can't have a "normal" relationship with her, and when you've tried to have a friendly conversation.....it results in working on your mind regardless of the direction it takes. Even with sending pictures, sooner or later there will be something you'll see that will irk you.
As for how to get your thoughts on other things, I encourage you to watch youtube or google whatever subject may be of interest.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"Then when SIL turned the corner into WIFE's line of sight, the mask INSTANTLY went on, and she switched from scowling and brooding looking to bubbly happy and being overly nice to SIL who she outwardly hated for years. "
This is natural human social behavior. How many times have you been in argument with your W or GF on the way some where, to a get together, then you get out of the car and you both turn on the "so happy to be here" routine?
The real question is why were you so focused on her that day? It appears you were staring at her through the window like a puppy dog waiting for master to come home.
Next time pickup time happens like that, resolve to not even look out the window. VOW to yourself not to care about her, how she looks, what her demeanor is, whether loser OM is with her, what they are driving, etc.
Whether or not you want to admit it, you are still way too attached. And until you admit that to yourself I don't see you making progress. ACTION, not words. You type how you don't care a lot on here, but what are you DOING (like not watching her like a hawk through the window at pickup) to BE detached??
Ok I will brace for your response in case this hit a nerve....
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I just don't see any good coming from contacting her. You can't have a "normal" relationship with her, and when you've tried to have a friendly conversation.....it results in working on your mind regardless of the direction it takes. Even with sending pictures, sooner or later there will be something you'll see that will irk you.
As for how to get your thoughts on other things, I encourage you to watch youtube or google whatever subject may be of interest.
What sandi said. ALSO, when the urge to text her arises, come here so we can smack you with 4x4s. or 8x8s. 2x4s don't seem to work!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So OK, a bit of a 2x4. You feigned interest in your S3 in order to try to ascertain if he was at OM's or MiL's?
You realize this is a no-no.
you are 25% correct. My intention on sending "How was your night with S3 last night" was genuine. Once it became suspect that S3 was with MIL, i Texted her to see. The photo i got from WIFE was legit. OM may have picked up S3 from school but he did sleep at MIL's. When i have reason to believe im not being told the truth about where my son is, i am obviously going to inquire as to where. That being said, I am OK, not thrilled, but accepting and calm, with S3 being around OM. He has been for over a year now. I just dont want them sharing a bed. That is all.
Originally Posted by Steve85
This is why you need to be careful about how "over" everything you really are. We've talked before about how you have no control over where she stays even with S3. Unless OM is a sexual predator you have no legal standing to demand she keep S3 away from him.
See above.
Originally Posted by Steve85
You can scream, yell, jump up and down, hold your breath, stomp your feet, etc.....you have ZERO control over that.
I didnt get upset a WINK yesterday. I am over things. Steve, i would really like to see you try and move away from this image you seem to have of me, pining, and writhing in misery. That is no longer my existence. It has been this way for a few weeks now.
quote=Steve85]So concentrate on what you CAN control, and that is sending premeditated texts to your STBXW in the guise of asking about S3.[/quote]
I have let go of my desire for control Steve, it is profitless. I would use the "Cheeseless Tunnel" line here, but i find the expression crass lol. Who eats cheese they found in some tunnel?
It wasn't premeditated and the reason for the text was genuine, honestly it just kind of happened. I was thinking about S3, and i wanted to know how he was, so i asked. I have every right as a father, LBH or not, to ask after my son, without it requiring some cloak and dagger motivation.
Please, if you could perhaps ASK as to my motivations and reasons for doing things, before assuming the reasoning behind my actions in the future i would be most appreciative of that. Just as i have been instructed to come here and bounce thoughts and ideas off before I shoot from the hip so to speak, I would simply ask that you do the same in regards to assuming my motivations for doing things.
I really appreciate your input Steve, and you stuck with me faithfully when i was in my lowest lows, but you tend to lean towards a worst case scenario each time. I had thought that you would have seen the progress i have made emotionally, and understand that my opinions, motivations and interpretations of my sitch have evolved as it has developed. Especially recently.
WIFE does not hold the trigger to my emotional detonation anymore. Nor does OM.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I just don't see any good coming from contacting her. You can't have a "normal" relationship with her, and when you've tried to have a friendly conversation.....it results in working on your mind regardless of the direction it takes. Even with sending pictures, sooner or later there will be something you'll see that will irk you.
As for how to get your thoughts on other things, I encourage you to watch youtube or google whatever subject may be of interest.
Sandi,
Im not looking for normal, just looking for tolerable. If some false niceties are what it takes to achieve that, I can mask up and play the game too.
I am not brooding or dwelling on it. so i feel pretty good about how things went.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
"Then when SIL turned the corner into WIFE's line of sight, the mask INSTANTLY went on, and she switched from scowling and brooding looking to bubbly happy and being overly nice to SIL who she outwardly hated for years. "
This is natural human social behavior. How many times have you been in argument with your W or GF on the way some where, to a get together, then you get out of the car and you both turn on the "so happy to be here" routine?
The real question is why were you so focused on her that day? It appears you were staring at her through the window like a puppy dog waiting for master to come home.
Next time pickup time happens like that, resolve to not even look out the window. VOW to yourself not to care about her, how she looks, what her demeanor is, whether loser OM is with her, what they are driving, etc.
Whether or not you want to admit it, you are still way too attached. And until you admit that to yourself I don't see you making progress. ACTION, not words. You type how you don't care a lot on here, but what are you DOING (like not watching her like a hawk through the window at pickup) to BE detached??
Ok I will brace for your response in case this hit a nerve....
Firstly, it seems you like to "hit a nerve" With me Steve, hense your antagonistic winky face after a comment you knew would irritate me, Do you like being provocative and antagonistic? Does it make you feel superior? Perhaps thats a personality trait you need to work on, how many times have you accused me of passive-aggressiveness? If that last sentence of your post wasn't passive aggressive, then I am the King of The Moon.
you accuse me of "puppy dog" behavior, again without asking about specifics of the situation as it happened.
Her behavior isnt normal, being that fake and dis-genuine is not normal behavior. I really feel like you agree with her more than me most times,
I wasnt watching her like a hawk. Again your ASSUMPTIONS. Which are beginning to Irk me Steve. My brother was outside, weeding the garden, out of her line of sight, and saw the exchange happen. THe only time i saw her is when i went outside with a trash bag when i thought she had already left. But again, you ASSUMED my actions, location and mood regarding Sundays pickup.
Gather your evidence before you make accusations Sir.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
OK, the cheeseless tunnel reference is in regard to mice in a maze trying to find the cheese. The cheese is positive thing, but going down tunnels that doesn't lead to the cheese is a bad thing.
OK, if I read your text messages as trying to determine where they slept, then you know STBXW did too. Whether rightly or wrongly. That's why she sent the pic, to prove to you again that he slept there. Perception is greater than reality sometimes. So maybe I was wrong and your first text was genuine, the fact that it could even be questioned works against you.
Sorry, I see you glossed over my "watching her through the window like a hawk" point. Ask yourself this, would an attached or detached OK do that?
Not trying to hurt you at all OK, trying to help. No offense, but you haven't always, in the heat of the moment, been honest about your motivations. It appeared from your recent posts that OM and STBXW picking up your S3 at your brother's house had an effect on you. Whether that is true or not, that is what it appeared to be.
Hang in there man, yes I see definite improvements in you, but you have not reached Valhalla.
(By the way, the reason I know about Valhalla is a song by the 80s band White Lion, The Road To Valhalla. As you can see that I am a big 80s rock fan!)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
"Then when SIL turned the corner into WIFE's line of sight, the mask INSTANTLY went on, and she switched from scowling and brooding looking to bubbly happy and being overly nice to SIL who she outwardly hated for years. "
This is natural human social behavior. How many times have you been in argument with your W or GF on the way some where, to a get together, then you get out of the car and you both turn on the "so happy to be here" routine?
The real question is why were you so focused on her that day? It appears you were staring at her through the window like a puppy dog waiting for master to come home.
Next time pickup time happens like that, resolve to not even look out the window. VOW to yourself not to care about her, how she looks, what her demeanor is, whether loser OM is with her, what they are driving, etc.
Whether or not you want to admit it, you are still way too attached. And until you admit that to yourself I don't see you making progress. ACTION, not words. You type how you don't care a lot on here, but what are you DOING (like not watching her like a hawk through the window at pickup) to BE detached??
Ok I will brace for your response in case this hit a nerve....
Firstly, it seems you like to "hit a nerve" With me Steve, hense your antagonistic winky face after a comment you knew would irritate me, Do you like being provocative and antagonistic? Does it make you feel superior? Perhaps thats a personality trait you need to work on, how many times have you accused me of passive-aggressiveness? If that last sentence of your post wasn't passive aggressive, then I am the King of The Moon.
you accuse me of "puppy dog" behavior, again without asking about specifics of the situation as it happened.
Her behavior isnt normal, being that fake and dis-genuine is not normal behavior. I really feel like you agree with her more than me most times,
I wasnt watching her like a hawk. Again your ASSUMPTIONS. Which are beginning to Irk me Steve. My brother was outside, weeding the garden, out of her line of sight, and saw the exchange happen. THe only time i saw her is when i went outside with a trash bag when i thought she had already left. But again, you ASSUMED my actions, location and mood regarding Sundays pickup.
Gather your evidence before you make accusations Sir.
Guilty as charged. Though I have to say that we can only react to what you type. Based on your descriptions of how she looked and the faces she made, it was a natural assumption that you saw it with your own two eyes. I stand corrected.
I will go back to withholding my natural reactions to your posts.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It did have an effect on me, Which i posted about, and processed, and dealt with.
I have always been 100% honest here on this board. Posting here dishonestly would completely defeat the purpose. Yet another unfounded assumption of my mood and actions.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
OrangeK, I know how hard it is to 'co-parent' with a little kid. It's good news you're able to share pictures when your son is with the other parent. I also still think you have the right to intervene if your son is sleeping in the other man's bed or in his care for a significant amount of time and you don't know the quality of care or environment. I have no idea what you can do legally but that does sound suspicious that your MIL didn't respond until late, although it sounds like she must be supportive of OM caring for her grandson so that's not very helpful. I'm not so sure about getting into texting conversations with your wife to check your son's whereabouts because you may not get the truth and it may cause more contention, but it sounds like general positive comments like "he had a great time" or "here's a picture of him having fun" are a step forward since you'll be doing this for another fifteen or so years so eventually you and your wife will have to learn to cooperate.
