I think my wife is having a midlife crisis affair

[DnJ]

Trevor, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. There are many kind and compassionate people here with much wisdom and knowledge. This is a good place to ask questions, having experienced this, these folks have insight you most likely won’t find elsewhere.

I will add my thoughts on your questions. If this is MLC the timeframe is long - years. You need to focus on and protect yourself and your child. Your W is willing to leave her kid, something is very wrong with her.

As for moving away and/or going dark. Yes those are options you have, however I would advise you to wait before making any big decisions like moving. There will be enough big rash changes coming from her, you need to minimize the damage for you and your son. Limiting contact with W is usually a good idea to minimize the hurt and damage from W.

Something you will hear a lot - this is a marathon not a sprint. Use the gift of time and dig deep for patients.

I understand the place you find yourself in. Keep the focus on you and son, and work on detachment.

[Trevor]

Thanks for the warm welcome, DnJ.

Every time I read that this will take years, my jaw (and heart) hits the floor. Ugh. I guess I'm just coming around to the realization that this is going to be a marathon, like you said. There's a reason I was a sprinter in high school. Haha. I'm glad I found you guys and that you're so supportive because it sounds like I'm going to be here for a while.

I'm still in the process of learning as much as I can, both here on this awesome forum and through Michele's books (3 of which I just ordered). The thing that I'm struggling with now is how to...or whether I should...adapt my going dark/detachment strategy given the fact that I just returned home after being away for nine months. We've decided to be good friends through all of this, and I've made it a point to be nice to her, all on the assumption that going full on dark will do nothing but remind her of the last nine months. But I'm not sure if that's actually making this easier for her to rationalize. We started off as really good friends 25 years ago, so it seems like that's a good anchor for things going forward, but I don't want to alleviate any and all guilt she would otherwise feel in the process.

Update: In my previous post I mentioned that I was thinking about taking my son to the city for a month. I talked to W about it. Of course she wanted to know why and asked if I was doing it out of revenge. It was interesting that she perceived it like that and suggested to me that maybe it scares her (good thing?). Well, anyway, per my previous post, she got really sick yesterday and is on antibiotics, and I've now decided to forget about leaving. I worried that by leaving the OM would immediately move in for the month to "take care of her." The last thing I want to do is provide him a platform for becoming the caring lover. I also worried that it would be perceived by her and family as though I'm abandoning her rather than the other way around. So I'm sitting tight waiting for her to move out, which she says she is going to do...eventually.

[Gordie]

Definitely read the books

Filled with tons of awesome info

Live coaching has helped me figure out how to apply the techniques and when

Bottom line is do what works and stop what does not

Going dark and LRT may be right for you

But maybe not given your specifics

Maybe you act like a friendly neighbor who is awesome and independent and loving life without a partner

But in that case you still keep your distance

Your w feels like she knows you completely and now wants something new

So instead of being your boring and predictable self

Part of distancing is creating some mystery and surprise

Get a haircut that is different from what you have ever done

Buy new and different and stylish clothes

Start going out without telling her where you are going

Stop being depressed and moody and start being happy and cheerful

All of these above require no words

Your actions will speak volumes

That you are a confident and strong guy

Who will be alright no matter what she does

And that is the truth even if you do not feel like it today

Fake it until you make it

I have been at this for two years

And my w never left

[Trevor]

Begin the mystery and surprise...my hair is already very short, so a new haircut is kind of hard to pull off, but I just ordered a Bowflex home gym. I'm sure she's wondering what that's for. (Btw, I am in very good shape, but I don't do weight training...just lots of hiking and calesthenics.

I'm being upbeat and cheerful as I have been over the last several days, but she's moody today for some reason...even though I suspect she met with the OM this afternoon (they're co-workers). I suspect this because, although this isn't her usual "time of the month," there is a maxipad wrapper in the bathroom trash, which she uses to, well, you know...

Anyway, I know this is going on, so it doesn't shock me. What's weird is that she's in a bad mood. You'd expect her to be chipper having just spent time with her alienator.

Part of me me doesn't want her to move out too quickly because I know she has no place to go other than his house. On the other hand, I wish it wasn't happening right under my nose.

[DnJ]

The timeline is a lot to process and accept. I remember well how much heartbreak and pain this causes and you are right jaw and heart drop to the floor when you start to grasp what this is. Don’t be too hard on yourself and give this some time. Answer will come, usually when you are not looking for them.

You seem to have a good outlook and willingness to seek the truth. That is good.

You are wondering about how to adapt your going dark/detaching strategy. Going dark is not a strategy to win your W back, or speed this up, or help it along. Going dark is only for you. It limits your contact with W and her MLC, to protect you from damage. To give you space to heal.

Detaching is difficult and most necessary. It will lessen the emotional turmoil you experience from W’s actions. Once achieved your wife’s actions, spew, problems, and so forth will have very little impact on your emotional state.

I am glad you decided to remain in your home. And good for you on getting a Bowflex, keeping fit is always a good idea.

You are doing good Trevor. Stay strong.

[Gerda]

Trevor, I think you have a lot of focus on how your actions/words will affect her. This is natural, we all did it a lot in the beginning and have to fight the temptation to do it now.

But the truth is this -- NOTHING YOU DO WILL AFFECT HER NOW. You can only do things that help you detach and heal. You will take just as long to realize this as we all do but it's truly the only path that can lead to peace for you and a possible restoration of your marriage a long way down this road.

You have to rest assured that this current adulterous relationship will never become something good. It is based on lies and immaturity and misdirected hormones. The W you love is not the one that the OM is seeing. If you want to leave for a month with your S, do it. Staying will not prevent anything, leaving will not cause anything. It could be a good thing for her to move in with him, to be taken care of while sick. It may take a lot longer than you think you can bear right now, but rest assured, that counterfeit relationship will never become what you have with her -- his caring for her while she is sick will most likely only remind her of being taken care of by her true husband, but it may take a long while for her to admit that, she will push those thoughts out of her mind until she is ready to deal with whatever is truly bothering her, which has nothing to do with you.

[Trevor]

Thanks, Gerda! You're absolutely right. I am intensely focused on analyzing cause and effect with everything I do now. Today, she's being nice, and I caught myself wondering what the difference could be. Like you said, though, it most likely has nothing whatsoever to do with anything I did or didn't do. I'm now curious if it has to do with the fact that she saw the OM yesterday and not today. Do their deplorable encounters generate guilt and cause her to resent me? I should probably stop analyzing that as well. Ha! I've broken so many of the rules so far...but I am trying to learn and avoid the natural/instinctive tendencies that it sounds like we all deal with at the outset. Ugh, who knew love could be so great and yet suck so bad?

Thanks again!

[Gerda]

And the answer is --- yes, no, all of the above, none of the above!

That is why you have to stop asking the question.

But you won't. I didn't. And even when I thought I was starting to, I wasn't. I realize that now, five years in, because now I am really doing it. Just keep trying to surrender all of it to God or the universe if you don't believe in God, and eventually, some long time from now, you will realize you are doing it.

[Trevor]

Hi Everyone,

Curious what you all think about the LBS playing hardball (i.e., being an a$$hole) if he wants to reconcile? Being civil/nice seems like the logical way to "keep the door open," but is it just giving her the best of both worlds?

[Gerda]

None of the above again!

You are still trying to figure out which of your actions will cause which reaction out of her. NOTHING YOU DO CAN CHANGE HER MIND. She has to go through this, on her timing, not yours. You could be horrible to her, and she could come out of it and beg for forgiveness. Or you could be incredibly kind and it could appear to "not be working" for several years.

You have to choose who you are and who you want to be outside of her, but bitterness/anger/vengeful choices will only enslave you and not help either of you.

The one thing that does seem proven here on the boards is that you can do things to drive her deeper into the tunnel. And those things seem to be actions that push her before she is ready -- that might be playing hardball, or calling her out on her behavior, etc.

Read Gordie's recent postings on his thread and my thread about how he listens fully and does not respond. That's the way to do it!

Unconditional love and kindness is always the best path, but boundaries are loving when your spouse is in MLC. Go dark if you need to, but when you do have an encounter, uninitiated by you because you are dark/dim, be kind, be full of grace, act as if.

And most of all, stop thinking about strategies for your behavior! Just accept that your marriage is dead right now and live your life, all the while holding the hope (or even conviction!) that resurrection is totally possible, but not on your timing.

If you have any Christian leanings, I would recommend looking at Rejoice Ministries site for the posting called, "Zip the Lips." I think this will help you a lot.