Cory, I did all this same stuff. I wanted W to know....
I now know this prolonged my suffering. Find a way to exercise these demons without fueling her contempt.
Anger is an energy. Use it productively.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I know the feeling brother. Its painful and exhausting.
You want answers, but what if your W don't have those answers. What if she is depressed and full of shame, but she is moving forward because she is scared to face you. Well your your sympathy and sorrow scares her off. She knows you are hurting and your weakness is ugly and push her away. Become strong. It will take time and patient. One day at a time. Rise up!
Why do you think you deserve answers. You know why, because you are entitled. You think you are entitled to get an answer from a woman that you are married too. But you wanting answers is a form of control. Stop trying to control her and your sitch. Let her go. Stop feeling entitled and start feeling empowered. Grab the power back over your life, That's what you deserve. You deserve to love yourself more than anybody else ever have or ever will.
Stand up, stop feeling sorrow for yourself and show your W a confident Cory. That's how you get to your answers one day not by showing her pain but confidence.
Jump out a plane(skydiving). Ziplining. Bungie jumping. Do something you always wanted to do. Plan and put a date on it. Look it up, booked it and put it on your calender. You owe yourself love now!!!!
Onward and forward.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Cory, I'm sorry man. You're going to have to just detach man and be the bad guy. Stand up for yourself a bit and avoid being nice to her. You have to show her consequences immediately. 180 in your situation would be to back away, show no emotion towards her, and privately deal.
In the case of an affair, she will make anything up. Don't read into any of that, any of her actions, anything she says.
GAL hardcore. Go out with friends constantly. Be gone, distant, smiling, and happy. 180 on her so hard, her head spins.
Thanks guys for all the advice, I do really appreciate it..
My wife has actually went dark: defriended all my family and friends from facebook and wants to distance herself from me so she can move on with her life. In theory, this should make it easier for me to have no contact and work on myself...It really seems like this has closed the door on any R of our marriage and will force me to move on...I moved about 30 minutes away and have very little contact with our mutual friends so she'll have no real idea of how good I'm doing so alot of the DB'ing that I've been working so hard on won't have much impact...I know I should be making these changes for myself but the whole purpose of DB was to R our marriage...I really would have liked to have an adult conversation with her about what went wrong in our M so I could at least have a focus of what to work on for future R but she never took me up on my offer for this discussion and instead has just ran away and cut herself off from everything we shared the last 12 years...
Oh, as far as the A that turned out to be a 1-night-stand, which really doesn't matter anymore because she is beyond wayward with dating new people and living the single lifestyle with her new divorced best friends...It is so sad that she chose this path...
Her unfriending your friends and family, while not pleasant, is not necessarily "going dark". Maybe she doesn't want to be reminded of you constantly b/c it is painful.
I'm sure that "adult conversation" will come off as pursuit. Don't you know what went wrong in your marriage? I feel like I know. I was there every day. I know my mistakes.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
She mentioned 2 things when she asked for a D...First, she didn't believe that I truly wanted kids and only was trying to make her happy..Second, she didn't feel like she could be herself..I'm not sure what that meant, because everyone that I talked to, including her best friends, thought she very happy in our marriage and never complained once about anything.. After reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book, I'm guessing that my part in the downfall of the M would be that I was a Nice Guy...Alot of the things in the book, I did subconsciously without being aware of...Now that I'm aware, I'm working toward bettering that part of myself.. We've now had No Contact for almost a week and everyone is right, it feels so counter-intuitive to what my mind/heart are telling me to do..I just got to have faith that it will help her find her way through the fog...The lows don't seem to be quite as low anymore, no tears, but those memories pop up out of nowhere to remind me of how much I have lost...I still continue on 1 Breathe, 1 step at a time and hope that those memories in the future will instead bring happiness of our experiences rather than PAIN of loss...
I'm guessing that my part in the downfall of the M would be that I was a Nice Guy...Alot of the things in the book, I did subconsciously without being aware of...Now that I'm aware, I'm working toward bettering that part of myself..
I am so glad to hear that you read the book. Your biggest tests will be in your relationships, and more especially intimate relationships.
A W can get so tired of her H leaving all decision making up to her. Sometimes, she'd like for him to decide where they will go for dinner. KWIM? It's not that she doesn't want to be the one to decide where they will go for dinner, but she gets so sick of his passive attitude. She wants a man who is decisive. Passivity is not attractive in a man. Passivity is not showing the woman what a good person he is. Rather, it shows her his lack of confidence and inability to take charge.
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We've now had No Contact for almost a week and everyone is right, it feels so counter-intuitive to what my mind/heart are telling me to do.
Good job! I'm sure it must feel counterintuitive, but stick with it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Corey, IM new here (today) but Im going though a similar situation and your post could well have been written by me today Im experiencing the same feelings too. My W dropped the BS on Friday but I kind of knew it was coming, shes been in a psychiatric hopisyal foe three weeks and was saying she no longer wanted to be married to me weeks ago. Ive been hoping her therapy would help her to realise that she had other issues as well as those concerning me, but thats not how its planned out thus far. I have found that exercising daily (something Ive not done a lot of on the past twenty years) is helping me clear my mind and also shed lbs too.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/08/1811:34 AM. Reason: restored post
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
Well going on almost 2 weeks of no contact and about a month since our last meaningful communication and I admit I'm learning so much about myself...Each day seems to be getting easier but their is still that emptiness when I wake up and she's not there...I'm starting to regain the person I was before marriage slowly changed me and I'm grateful for that awakening...
However, I started this Divorce Busting to try and save my marriage...That is still the main goal of mine but I'm having trouble finding any possible way that this doesn't end in divorce..The D papers were signed 2 weeks ago and in my state it takes 60 days to finalize so that clock is ticking...The last communication we had she was distancing herself to move on with her life and I did a 180 and said yes that would be beneficial for both of us moving on...How can she know that I'm even interested in reconciliation when we are both distancing ourselves to move on with our life?? I don't have social media or much contact with our mutual friends so she really has no idea how well I'm doing...How can she be curious, when she probably still pictures me as broken hearted...I know the self-improvement is for me and me alone and not to win back my wife but I'm struggling to picture how this doesn't end with us being apart..
Any thoughts on how I can retain even the smallest sliver of hope for the two of us finding a way to come out of this on the other side together? Thank-you
She doesn't need to know that you want to get back together to tell you that she is interested in reconciliation. Without her interest, yours doesn't matter. You not hunting her down is still probably the best thing to do. But you are the expert on your relationship.
In what ways are you guys in contact normally?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
