JujuB, I wonder if we live in the same city but I know we are not supposed to discuss that here. I checked out your threads a little bit after seeing your reply to something I wrote in MLC. We are taking a completely different approach to our marriage crises but I just wanted to send you a really big hug.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
I know V. I think im building up to that. I just wanted a family man so bad. I want a family so bad. I ignored qualities that i dont like for that security and potential.
I didnt have a family with ex and i just wanted one. Like my parents had. This guy seemed to want that too. And i figure thats half the battle. Finding someone that wants what i want. A lot of people dont.
But i cant handle the complaining and yelling and negativity regarding everything that annoys him. I dont want that.
Gerda, thank you for posting. I have been kind of transparent about where i live, so we might very well be neighbors.
When i first signed on here as Julie in 2015, i desperatly wanted to salvage my marriage. But i was very angry.
I remember Zues asked me the question of when is it ok to abandon a marriage. Even early on I responded...
1. If there was harm or endangerment to myself or my child
2. If there was cheating.
Now "harm" is a broad term. Many waywards like to claim they are harmed by all the psychological abuse we LBS put them through over the years. Or they argue that the children are happier if the parents are happier. I know many of us endure a lot of true abuse and gaslighting because we dont want to play that card.
Cheating is a pretty black and white boundary though.
In my case, my ex left. Didnt want to be married to me anymore. He was actually raised as a christian. He was enabled by his mom who was a devote christian. She actually told me "people get divorced now. Its not how it was when i was young" I was not raised with religion. Yet I upheld stronger beliefs in marriage. Go figure.
I have much respect for the important roles marriage and family plays in most religious instititions.
I think there are enough clear cut boundaries, that many religious institutions recognize as well, that allow for us to let go of our marriages. Cheating for one, and then theres abandonment.
To endure any type of relationship with someone that is cheating is harmful to your soul. There is nothing noble about that. I think its ok to love your spouse, or your enemy but its more important to love yourself. No? So yeah, we can still love them. I will always love my ex. Im not suggesting that we burn them at the stake.
But allowing them to take advantage based on the argument of unconditional love is another story.
More importantly,I think that not providing them with strong consequences (that are also fair and not vindictive in nature) for their actions is a disservice to god. Because without consequences, how do they grow spiritually and learn?
And by consequences, im not saying its our jobs to punish...im saying its our jobs to say "no. I am not going to keep allowing myself to be hurt from you any more"
Thank you sotto... the son thing is no longer an issue. I dont even know if i want son around him.
My son is adhd and he is not always easy to discipline. The last thing i want is for him to witness me being undermined.
Its little things. Like in the airport i was going the wrong way, and we were both looking for car rental. I thought people with badges were airport staff (they werent) and asked for directions and he got short with me for asking the wrong people.
I feel like thusbwqs our first trip away. My actions shouldnt annoy soneone so much. And if they do, keep it to your self.
I am a firm believer in positive reinforcement for kids. I know its not always possible. And NG has a teenager, which is totally different.
I hear how he yells and complains about his daughter. And i think,"oh god. I do the same stuff she does" (Forget to water plants, forget my laundry in the dryer) and then i think, i dont want my son to be constantly criticized. He already gets into enough trouble at school as it is.
He just always seems angry.
And i know how that comes out hearing it from me! I write a bit differently then i am. But IRL, im the person my boss gives the difficult patients to. I am told by everyone..other parents, my mom, my best friend..how patient amd easy going i am. I dont look for fights ir drama.
I hear how he yells and complains about his daughter. And i think,"oh god. I do the same stuff she does" (Forget to water plants, forget my laundry in the dryer) and then i think, i dont want my son to be constantly criticized. He already gets into enough trouble at school as it is.
He just always seems angry.
I think you have your answer then. He doesn't sound like a good match. Don't let your eagerness to be part of a "family" make you lose sight of whether this guy is a good match for you.
I like to call dating a detective job. It's our job to find out about this person and see if they really are right for us. (Now bear in mind, I blew that job with my last boyfriend, but he was a pretty smooth liar).
For instance - I've just started dating a new guy. He SEEMS nice and very sweet. But I am still reserving judgment until I learn more about him. I can already see he has some mild OCD issues very similar to exBF (like getting me a napkin when I'm eating potato chips - not a big deal but a sign of HIS discomfort with my fingers being greasy, not mine). I've also seen some mild evidence of him being bothered by other drivers - could that signal an underlying tendency towards irritability that just isn't expressing itself towards me yet in the honeymoon period? These are minor things but I'm definitely keeping my antennae up until I can learn more about his character (AND his finances - at 62 it's pretty important to me that a man be able to live within his means and fund his own expenses in retirement. I'm not saying a guy has to be rich - just able to live happily within what he's got and not be a drain on my finances in any way. This guy was a good earner in the past but I think a bit of a spender too, so it remains to be seen if he will be financially stable and responsible about retirement. )
I am not in a good financial position. And that worried me regarding men accepting me or wanting to buuld a future with me.
Why would someone want to take me and my son on?
In my case. I honestly did nothing wrong. I have always been a saver. I went to school, earn a decent living in the health care profession. I have job stability. We just never built equity cause ex had some secret expensive habits.
Problem is where i live, you cant really survive on 1 income. Its even hard to survive on 2. Im in a situation similar to gingers in which i cant move away. I need my parents to baby sit when i work and my son meeds a good school district. (You get extremes here) and with renting i am just throwing my money away. Housing keeps going up. Where i live starter homes are about 500 and in need ofntons of work. Taxes start at 10 grand a year.
Well, first of all, you're much younger than I am and have lots of time to change your financial situation. I don't think someone your age would consider you to be a financial issue (after all, you have a good career) unless you are drowning in debt (and even then, unfortunately, so are many other people).
As for homebuying - be careful about feeling like you HAVE to buy a home. There are online calculators that can tell you whether buying or renting is a better idea in your area at this time. If you WERE to consider buying, I'd recommend buying a home that you can get a roommate into to help with costs, or, since your parents are close, consider something for multi-generational living? (I bought a 4 bedroom house after my divorce, which seemed huge at the time but I am so glad I did, as my mom and 2 of my 3 sons live with me now.)
Also - you're young and newly single, there's no telling where you might be in a couple of years in terms of a relationship, so I wouldn't buy anything that couldn't be converted to a rental in a down market if you ended up marrying again.
As for getting by on your current salary - check out The Tightwad Gazette books by Dacyzyn and also the Mr. Money Mustache website. They're both very inspiring and most people have more fat in their budgets than they realize.
Thanks kml. I have no debt. Very small savings. But being a home owner isnt a reality. Multi generational home with my parents is an option, but that means i live their forever. A multigenerational home with a friend might be an option but even that would be a struggle. But at least a struggle with an asset. I need to look at those books.thanks
