Advice on my Scenario Pt. 17-Off Belay!

[Vanilla]

And you are NOT a victim but the target of a raptor.

And such a monster has no feelings as you can see from Jurassic park.

V

[lcause]

I know this will not bring closure to you but I might just as well try. Humans have a natural tendency to do things based on two factors. We

* seek for pleasure

and/or

* try to avoid pain

and everything we do reflects to these two behaviors. You can tie either mentality with short- or long-term goals or activities. So, you mention that your STBXW has some sort of a mental disorder. She probably seeks for the pleasure she gets from a new man while she tries to avoid the pain what a long-term relationship requires, as LTRs are hard work. Those are mainly learned behaviors but have a genetic factor in them as well.

I know this will not explain anything to you, but what else do you need to know? Your STBXW was not strong enough to deal with her inner demons in order to combat those tendencies but fell into the emotions. You are not a victim here, but the winner. She will have to deal with these issues at some point during her life and it will not be any easier later on. You can go to "but what if she did not have these, we would have had a perfect marriage" -whatifs, but if your uncle had tits, he would be your aunt.

I think GAL itself is a pretty stupid term - get a life, as it sounds a bit rude. The point is not to really get a life at the beginning, but to actually get your mind off from the thoughts you are currently dwelling on daily. If you do something you enjoy, you simply cannot sacrifice your thoughts to your XW at the same time. Slowly the neural connections in your brain start to fade away and it gets easier and easier. The more you keep dwelling on these thoughts, the more you reinforce them into your head by keeping them active. Again, this is not supposed to be a "flip of a switch", but baby steps towards the true detachment. GAL and having interesting social connections in your life will help you do just that.

My point was not to sound blunt at all but I am rather worried about you because I do not really see any development when it comes to your "analytical view" and wanting to know the "whys". Also, the defending and all the proving yourself... I know it is hard as I was similar to you - I defended myself on every occasion. Try to really stop taking these messages as personal attacks to your ego and see them as what they are worth. These people are here truly to help you. You can get out that "analytical view" but it requires work. Seek for other things for your mind to wander around.

[OrangeK]

My mom just sent me a great video of S3 swimming. My first instinct is to share it with WIFE. im assuming that's bad idea?

[sandi2]

No, don't share it with your W.

[SteveLW]

My mom just sent me a great video of S3 swimming. My first instinct is to share it with WIFE. im assuming that's bad idea?

Go backand read my post on how to project an air of detachment.

Spoiler alert: Don't send the video.

[OrangeK]

Didnt send it.

[mtb1981]

Didnt send it.

Good. The only communication you need with your wife is logistics with your son. Nothing more...

[OrangeK]

My Enemy, Detachment


The cycle, the wheel, the rollercoaster.

It has many names, but are one.
This has been my challenge and I will try and break down where I am at with detachment. This will be a post about ME. not my MR, not WW, not even S3. Of course WW will be mentioned here, but it will all be within the realm of my own thoughts and feelings. If i mention something that appears to be mind reading or something like that, its because I am trying to explain my desire for certain answers, and I will discuss how I plan to move on without those answers.
Bear with me i guess.

I will try and break this up into sections, as i view it, my detachment has many components and each needs to be addressed differently.

Lastly. I am going to be brutally honest here, and i want you all asking HARD questions. Beat me up, i'm asking for it.
Its time to stop pussyfooting around this issue.
I've had the arrow stuck in my flesh for far too long, leaving it in out of fear of the pain of extraction.
Lets push that arrowhead through, and remove it, lest I become gangrenous.

Ok, detachment
Lets dance, you fickle beast.
------------------------------------------------------

1.) Divorce - I never wanted to divorce. I felt pressured into it from the get go. I still really don't want to divorce. I know its my best course of action, and its far to late in the process with the TRO to pull back on divorce now. I have already been assigned child support and a custody schedule. WIFE had an opportunity to mention wanting to hold back at our last meeting, well the judge asked me if i wanted to let my motion to hold go forward, and i paused very briefly in my answer, and WIFE said nothing, but nor was she ASKED if she wanted to let it be on hold or cancelled. I paused, and then said that it did not need to be placed on hold. This was what i felt was right, not what i wanted. Honestly if i thought there was any reason to change anything right now, id probably cancel the divorce.
I still want to TRY. Even though i shouldn't. I know asking about holding or withdrawing divorce now would just make me look weak and a cuckhold. So that wont be happening, and that bums me the hell out. I was abused and mistreated, but i miss my damn wife.
Feeling coerced into divorce hasnt helped me come to terms with it.
I dont feel like we ever got a chance to work on things, fix anything or even try.
She also didnt want to, and i dont think MC would have helped.
I just wish i never filed D, let her do it if thats what SHE REALLY WANTED. Then I would know. This is the BIGGEST REASON I wish i found DB before i Filed for D.
typing this is just making me want to file withdrawal right now.
That way if she wants to go ahead with it she would need to respond to my withdrawal, or it would process after her not responding for 10 days. . . . . . . .
this is easily the hardest part for me to come to terms with.
Our MR is DEAD, and it didnt even last a year. I feel like I failed.
I could have asked questions earlier, i should have asked more detailed questions when she closed down on me. i should have let her know i was there for her, not asked her what was wrong.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
2.) Closure - Why do i crave this so badly? We have all discussed this at length, but it still haunts me.
Why did she do this? What did I do wrong?
As much as I try my @$$ off each day to block these thoughts out, they persist and endure. Not losing strength or frequency.
Even during GAL activities, they creep into my head.
I gave her all the things we talked about for our future.
The wedding of her dreams, a home for us and S3 (this was a challenge! and once we FINALLY had it, she just shut down), we were planning our careers, looking at houses and all seemed perfect. All the things she said she wanted in a MR i provided. SO why the betrayal? I could have and would have continued to provide for her.
And the attention she always seeks? that would have continued as well, we were a picture perfect couple. Everyone was very attentive to us as newlyweds and to S3, So the admiration she craves would not have subsided.
I know these are the answer-less questions, and i have come to terms with never getting an answer. So why do they persist in my mind? Why wont my CONSCIOUS efforts to detach overpower this SUBCONSCIOUS flood of thoughts, painful memories, and the pain of recalling happy times? I have actively worked on making this NOT happen, and it still does, sometimes with increased vigor.
She truly loved me once, it may have been flawed love, but she believed in it. Its part of the Borderline Cycle of "I love you, I hate you, dont leave me" ( <- I will touch more on this in a bit) She has the power to heal, i KNOW it.
But i just cant make that happen, only she can, and she only will when she runs through that cycle again AND experiences loss. I cannot count on this, and it may never happen, and even if it does the chance of anything getting fixed between us will still be slim and require tons of IC/MC work.

I think i crave the closure because i envision some scenario in my mind where she lays out all the WHY's to what happened, which I wouldnt be able to trust anyway. Plus as Sandi has said, even if that DID happen and she WAS honest, it would just generate more pain and questions, and i would NEVER truly achieve closure, because I will never Agree, understand or sympathize with what she did. I may be able to humanize and sympathize with WHY she did it, in her disordered mind, but that isn't an excuse for actually having acted on those temptations on her part. Hoping for closure is circular logic, yet i still dwell on it and crave it. Why?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3.) What is Holding me back from detachment?

A.) I want a whole family, with no "STEP" anythings. I want Mama, Dada and S3. No Step dad, no step mom, no separation. What i want and what ill get are different realities however. This unrealistic hope is holding back detachment.

B.) Im not ready to give up on her, and i still dont want to divorce. Even if we stayed separated for another year. I want to try, more importantly, i want her to want to try, and really actually WANT it.
Hope for this pipe-dream is holding back detachment.

C.) Im not really ready to detach. I still miss her, so subconsciously im not letting myself detach. despite logically knowing i need to.

D.) I am still comparing things to her all the time. My happiness level now Vs. when i was with her, Other women, other relationships, Our home (i miss our home so bad), Everything feels bland and flavorless since she left. I get little satisfaction out of all things i used to enjoy. Now i eat to not be hungry, i sleep to not be tired, i wake because i should. I run on auto pilot, and am just trying to fake it till i make it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think im holding a hope that she will cycle back into a BPD "High State" and realize what she has done and caused. It fits her patterns from the past better than NPD does IMHO.
Im trying to stop Armchair Diagnosing her, but its difficult, my craving for closure leads me to research PD's to try to understand what she wont ever explain. I need to stop that, and exhibit some self control.

I will say that BPD has a much better prognosis than NPD does, and that seems to be what she exhibits more than NPD.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SO in closing, How can I do a better job of forcing detachment on myself, clearly letting go is something i a m struggling with, despite knowing it is whats best for me.
Obviously need to talk to IC about co-depenedancy, but i wont be starting with new IC for at least 3-4 weeks.
So, Ask the hard questions, hit me with the hard truths.
help me detach. I am desperate, all i have tried in the past has not worked.

I think AS, Steve, Sandi, V, MTB, and SEVERAL others will agree Detachment is my Goliath.
Help me aim the stone. Please.

[OrangeK]

I have to often fight the temptation to reach out and be nice, in the hopes she will reflect that behavior (reflection is common with people with these types of Personality Disorders)
in the hopes we can rekindle something and start fixing.
I know this is flawed thinking, which is why i dont ACT on it.

That being said, I feel like i could have done better if things went differently.
If I hadnt given the ultimatums i did, if i hadnt so quickly given in when she went to stay with her moms, and letting her keep her key for 3 months when she did.
If i hadnt exposed the affair when I did, or been REALLY assertive in my boundaries when I did.
She didnt want the affair exposed for a reason. She wasnt ready to leave, but embraced it when we separated. I know she toyed with me, only as long as i had our apartment. Somewhere she could land safe, and keep her belongings. (sleep with OM when i wasnt home...)
Things definitely didnt work out how SHE had planned, but the end result would have 90% been the same regardless.

I gotta stop beating myself up.

Hindsight doesnt usually help, but it sure can frikkin haunt you.

[OrangeK]

I guess i just feel like NC/DARK sometimes is counter productive.
Doesn't mean i am stopping, i see all the evidence it works, im just not being patient enough to wait for myself to "Drop the rope"

I just feel like its going to ultimately be up to me to initiate a more friendly situation between myself and WIFE.

If things stay how they are, she isnt going to make any attempts to change them.

I guess i just have to accept that this is what our co parenting situation is going to be like for the foreseeable future.

Could be worse i suppose.