Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 2

[Davide]

It has been a crazy couple of days and nights as I have traversed the upper mid-west, spent a night camping in Glacier National Park and am finally in western Washington. Lots of driving, 26 hours or so over the past 3 days. Unfortunately, my physical state is deteriorating. I had to leave the park yesterday as a chronic leg injury flared up and my other leg is hurting as well. Maybe the driving is having an affect on that as well. The lack of exercise isnt great for me.

Moreover, my mind has been consumed by Benito's posts. They make me question myself so much. Am I just in denial and distracting myself? That seems to be the heart of the issue.

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate - Abandon all hope, ye who enter here - Dante, The Inferno.

You need to convince yourself she has died. She is no longer an option.

I have struggled to do just that in relation to a possible R. What is the process by which one reaches that point? I am not afraid of the pain, I spent a good month in agony post BD, I know that I can handle it, I have faith in my strength. Every time a thought pops up in my head about getting back together, should I just be reality checking it and shooting it down "Davide, W doesnt love you, doesnt want to be with you." I dont feel like I am repressing my emotions or running away from them. I have tried picturing what it will be like when I return home and my W has move all of her things out of the house - the huge gaping hole that will be there. Right now, even doing those things doesnt normally provoke a huge emotional response. I almost wish that I did have a huge emotional response - there is a catharsis there. I am sure when I get home to an empty house I will have some sort of emotional response, but I dont understand how I can work through that now, ahead of time.

In any case, does Benito or anyone else have any advice how to drop the rope emotionally, not just intellectually?

Secondly, I read an implication that all the things that I am doing to GAL, to work on myself, etc... are distractions from dealing with the reality of my situation.

I honestly believe that in theory you believe you are doing this, and thats fine, but in reality I personally dont think you are there yet.

Personally, I think you need to stop doing things to distract you from thinking about her. The reason I say this is because ignoring things do not address the problem. It is waiting for you when you return.

This is a pretty brutal criticism of everything I have tried to do to improve myself over the past 2 months. I thought that the point of GALing was to build up your own life completely independent of the W and MR. More and more often I have been getting to the point of enjoying myself with friends and forgetting about the sitch, not having that low-grade anxiety in the back of my head at all times like it was before. I thought that was a positive step.

I have worked to be mindful, to live in the moment, to practice and experience gratitude for the opportunities that I have and the experiences I am living. I was walking through some of the most beautiful valleys in the world yesterday, I consider it success to enjoy that and enjoy my time there. I thought that was a positive step.

My self-esteem IS higher than it was before. I wasnt coming from a good place, but I am improving. I am practicing self compassion during my moments of weakness or self criticism. I am mentally reframing situations in positive ways, looking for opportunity rather than blame. I am becoming more aware of my cognitive distortions (mind reading in particular) and calling myself out for them. I agree that I am not completely detached emotionally (I have admitted that repeatedly) and that is why I react emotionally to my Ws messages. But isnt progress progress?

I completely understand the criticism that I need to drop the rope and give up any hope or emotional attachment, but I struggle to understand why not being there yet should negate the real progress I feel that I am making. It is also hard to hear that what I think of as progress being characterized as distraction from doing the real work. Shouldnt I be doing both? It also seems to me that maybe I am doing things in the order that I need to be doing them. Emotional detachment takes a long time, maybe these other things are intermediary steps on my long journey.

[hongaku]

I do not think Benito is saying that the real progress you have made is negated, I think he is just saying you are not quite there yet.

I applaud your progress and aspire to be where you are at, to be honest. I intellectually know what I need to do, but am fully aware that I have not made a terrible amount of progress detaching. I am doing a lot of the right things, but I know all the same that I am not there yet emotionally by a long shot. You may not be quite there either, Davide, but I can tell by reading your posts that you are well and truly on your way there and you just need to stay on the path you are on.

Feelings are not really controllable, and learning to let go of a love partner and find acceptance that you may never reconcile are extremely difficult concepts to truly embrace. I know it is possible, but I have yet to believe I can do it myself. You do not need to doubt your progress, and I think Benito was actually just trying to encourage you to take the final emotional leaps that will be necessary to ultimately find peace within yourself and be genuinely open to both the possibility of the relationship being over with finality and the possibility that your W will find her own way back into your life. And you will know without an ounce doubt that you will be perfectly fine either way. Can you say that now?

[Davide]

Hongaku,

Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate your support. It seems like we are not so far off from each other in terms of this process.

That said, what you say seems to go against the things I have been reading lately. I also thought that I was on the correct path - not there yet - but on the path which will eventually lead to detachment and happiness on my own. I thought that I was making progress and was confident in the direction that I was heading. It comforted me in my moments of doubt. I am traveling the country, visiting old friends, seeing amazing places and meeting new folks. However, my reading of Benito's words (whom I respect greatly) is that all of that, all of the GALing, the travel, the good times - is just a distraction. That I need to be thinking about my W, need to search out the pain and embrace it, that if I am not doing that I am in denial, that I am not dealing with my issue and that is why I cant let go completely. Honestly, now I feel like I have no faith in any path. If I am happy and living my life it is just denial. If I cant summon tears or emotions it is because I am just repressing my emotions.

I am certainly trying to drop the rope. Yesterday, for the first time, while talking with a close friends wife, I talked about the R as if it were over. In the past I always said that I thought there was an 80% chance that it was over, but this was the first time I didnt qualify it. It hurt a little, and made it a little more real in my head to vocalize it to someone else (it has been a constant refrain in my head recently "it is over, over.")

[NicoleR]

Davide,

I feel like you can distract yourself and do many things to improve yourself and your life but I'm not aware of anything that will reduce the pain in such a short time period. I can't seem to find your original story but it appears from your signature that this all happened just a few months ago. I've been going through this with my husband for several years now and most of the time I'm barely making it. I've done many things to move on but there's not really any path, or anything anyone has said, or anything else I can think to do that helps. The only possibility on my end, which requires more work, is stronger spiritual faith and submitting more completely to a God that surely does nothing to prevent our suffering on this earth. I think it would help somewhat if people like us here on this board could meet in real life to reduce the isolation. I'm hoping to go to the local divorce group in this area but I haven't made it yet. Perhaps you can seek out friends in similar situations in your area as well.

[Maika]

Hey D....

I don't think that's what Benito is saying. My reading is that he's talking about distraction in the sense that you avoid the discomfort and the pain and think that GAL is going to get rid of it. GAL is there to get you on the path of self-confidence and self-worth. It is one of the ingredients in the recipe for letting go and detachment.

I believe his point is that you have to lean in into your pain. Yes, that will involve thinking about your W, but your focus shouldn't be on dwelling on her. Instead you need to seek out the areas you believe you fell short in the MR and work on that. So, leaning into the pain is about processing and understanding it.

I don't think feeling happy is living in denial. I think living in denial is saying that the pain doesn't exist and that there is no grief. We can't live completely happy or sad. We live in a balance of those emotions. When the happy and joyful moments outbalance the negative emotions, then you're reaching equilibrium. You won't be able to completely let go of the negative emotions and that's okay.

You don't have to summon tears. Let them come. If you lean into your pain, you will have the tears and the emotional fatigue that comes with it. The key is not to live in it, but process it and know that it's there. It is to recognize it when it comes and knowing that you can manage it. It will slowly ebb away, trust me.

So, don't stop GAL and all of that. They're not distractions as long as you are also leaning into the pain of all of this.

Denial is saying you're okay. You are most definitely not. But instead of trying to overcome, first just accept it. And tell yourself that you're not going to be okay for a while, and continue your progress on GAL, detachment, and dropping the rope.

Letting go isn't stopping to think of W. Letting go is about you not holding any responsibility for her path and actions.

I think being melancholic is fine. It's a stage. Also remember that your heart will take longer to catch up to your mind.

[paco123]

A good friend shared this image which I find helpful. Imagine that my wife is in a coma in the hospital; all I can do is watch her through a window and pray she recovers.

In Stage 1, I spend ALL my energy watching, hoping, and praying.

In Stage 2, I carry on with the other necessary activities in my life, but I still think constantly of my wife, still hoping she recovers from her coma.

Perhaps in Stage 3, I resign myself to the fact she will never recover and soldier on to find happiness elsewhere.

Many of us are in Stage 2. I continue to love my wife deeply, but all I can do is watch her through the metaphorical window. Much of my energy is still caught up in thinking about her and missing her, even as I try to move on, even as I know all I can do is hope, pray, and exercise patience.

I am luckier than most. My wife's crisis is existential; she continues to be the most decent person I know. My children are independent and mature. I have wonderful support from prayerful friends. As long as I am in Stage 2, the challenge is to for me to continue to choose:
(1) to provide loving support and steadfastness for my wife;
(2) to model a mature response for my children; and
(3) to behave in a manner I can be proud of, regardless of outcome.

All of which is to suggest: this is easy to say, and much, much harder to practice.

[NicoleR]

Davide, one other thing I forgot to mention is that you shouldn't lose hope. You and your wife may still reconcile in the future. You can't sit around and wait for that to happen but there's a decent chance she'll be sorry and want a second chance at some point. Things may not be as bleak as they seem at this particular time.

[Davide]

Nicole,

Thanks. You are right that I am still a newbie - just 3 months in. That surely colors my perspective, and that is why I am all too happy to listen to the lessons of people who have put in much more time than me.

Honestly, I have melancholic moments thinking about the good times my W and I had while out on a trip to Seattle years ago, but for the most part my thoughts dont go to her and the MR unless I direct them too. I enjoy the time with my friends for what it is - time to reconnect and build new bonds with my friends. If anything, I want to talk more about the separation and MR with my friends as I dont shy away from it and it helps me process and feel better about it.

In terms of giving up hope - it seems to me that that is the only way for me to really drop the rope. If I dont do that I cant let her go fully and genuinely.

[Davide]

Maika,

Thanks man! I always appreciate your voice of reason.

I believe his point is that you have to lean in into your pain. Yes, that will involve thinking about your W, but your focus shouldn't be on dwelling on her. Instead you need to seek out the areas you believe you fell short in the MR and work on that. So, leaning into the pain is about processing and understanding it.

I don't think feeling happy is living in denial. I think living in denial is saying that the pain doesn't exist and that there is no grief. We can't live completely happy or sad. We live in a balance of those emotions. When the happy and joyful moments outbalance the negative emotions, then you're reaching equilibrium. You won't be able to completely let go of the negative emotions and that's okay.

You don't have to summon tears. Let them come. If you lean into your pain, you will have the tears and the emotional fatigue that comes with it. The key is not to live in it, but process it and know that it's there. It is to recognize it when it comes and knowing that you can manage it. It will slowly ebb away, trust me.

Trust me when I say that I am well aware of the aspects of the MR where I fell short. I get them and have been working on them as much as I can. Identifying my own failings has always come easy to me!

When you talk about it ebbing away, honestly that is what I felt was already starting to happen with the time and distance that my trip provided. The good moments were beginning to outweight the negative. Of course the negative was still there, but it wasnt the oppressive weight that it had been in the past. That is why I felt like I was making progress.

[hongaku]

Davide, you ARE making progress from what I can discern from your posts. Yeah, to a degree aspects of the process could be considered distractions - at least for the time being. There are such things as healthy distractions though. But as Maika said, lean into the pain when it visits you. Letting go does not mean forgetting, it means accepting.

As Nicole alludes to, your W will reach her own conclusions and they may not be what you currently expect. I agree with you that it seems like losing hope is the only way to drop the rope. However, I would say that it is more about letting go of expectations, either of reconciling or of a permanent ending of the relationship (I would suggest you stop even thinking in terms of a MR, and simply of it as a relationship period). You can still maintain an element of hope and envisioning of positive outcomes - just not an expectation.

I suppose it comes down to a sustained attitude of mindfulness, and it seems to me you are closer to that than not. Your last few posts since Benito gave his perspective are concerning. You are taking it too negatively and doubting yourself far too much. Get back on track without self-blame!