I don't think CMM is quite like your wife Andrew. No blank spots and he has answered all my questions quite openly. He speaks fondly of times in his life when he had a more active social life - for example, in the 90's when they lived on a street with other families in Texas and everyone on the block threw block parties, attended everyone's kids parties etc.
He has also given concrete examples of ways his wife scotched social things in the past. For instance, when he worked at Qualcomm, his boss gave him and another couple tickets every year to a black tie charity ball. After 3 or 4 years his wife just refused to attend - no explanation, just refused.
Also her drunkenness seemed to cause the end of some couple friendships.
None of this negates the fact that he has let friendships slip since the divorce, but does explain how the marital dysfunction may have limited his social life somewhat.
Another clarification I got too - he has said before his wife wasn't very maternal and had kind of checked out. Yesterday I learned that she worked briefly at a preschool when they were first together and complained bitterly about the kids. Later when their first child was born she was upset because that daughter was darker skinned (he's half black) and Texans would ask her if that was her baby (a complaint I've heard from my other interracial couple friends, but he feels her discomfort with that started her unhappiness in the marriage).
Also he revealed that she stayed out all night on occasion with various "girlfriends " . He didn't bother to ask her about it - I think he just didn't want to know she was cheating on him because he was so invested in keeping the family together. He's already admitted a couple of times he's conflict Avoidant - but reveals now that any conflict with her involved her yelling and throwing things.
All things considered, I can see how he ended up where he is. I just need him not to be completely dependent on ME for a social life, and I'd like to meet some of his old friends just to get a sense that there's no skeletons in the closet.
Having said all that - he's sweet, he's kind ( the kind of guy who hops off the tram to help a woman who's having trouble up the step), he's not homophobic, (I have a trans son so that's important to me), he's smart. He' also thinks I'm the bees knees. All good things.
The "Bee's Knees?" Um, showing your age there a bit with that one KML.
You seem to be to be a strong personality. From all I can tell, he is a push-over. If you'd ask him to jump he'd respond "how high?" Am I getting this right? Now, that just may mean you both compliment each other. If you enjoy wearing the pants in the R, you may have your guy. But do you? I guess I'm not so sure about that.
I think it's great you are giving this a chance. I don't want you to be overly cautious, but I also would hope you're not giving up too much of what you want and need. He's not likely to change. You've already told him, sometimes rather clearly, that you need him to slow down - yet he can't. It's who he is and what he does. If that's okay with you, then keep going. I just would not expect him to change. I get the strong feeling that what you are seeing is the real him. Trust your gut as you move forward. It's great to have someone that is clearly totally into you. Something tells me you'd like a little more of a challenge than that?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
He's actually been respectful of my wishes to slow his roll. I was worried at first that he might be too beta male for me but actually I don't think that's it. He's in sales and he's definitely trying to sell me on him.
I think he's a good man who loved his wife and family and was out of his depth in terms of dealing with her alcoholism . He was an only child orphaned at 18 and family was really important to him. He tried to keep things together and provide a good childhood for his three girls.
True, he's enthralled with me but what's not to like? Finding a woman my age who is smart, sexy, funny, adventurous, youthful, financially stable and responsible with no addictions DOES kinda make me all that and a bag of chips - especially for a smart guy looking for an intellectual equal . (If you're intimidated by a smart woman I'm definitely not for you, but nerdy men love me). True I have some baggage with my kids and mom but that hasn't been an issue yet with men I've dated, only three of whom had kids themselves.
As for me liking more of a challenge - that hasn't exactly worked well for me in my life, leading me to pursue Avoidant and unavailable men. I'm ok with being adored by a man who is actually available for a relationship. I'm just still cautious because that's how I ended up missing the red flags about crazy exBF, so I'm taking my time.
My ex used to be substantial in that area and her less endowed sister used to tell her than anything more than a handful was wasted. So when we were first introduced showing off my rather large hands was a priority
She eventually had probably 50% or more chopped off which helped with here back pain and reduced the grooves in her shoulder from her bra straps not to mention it becoming easier to actually find a bra.
She was always rather heavy but when she started her affair like many, she worked hard at getting into shape and losing weight going from 180lbs to 160 (she's 4' 11") I remember after bomb-day catching a glimpse of cleavage inside her bra. The cup was literally half full
According to what I've been told she's put the weight all back on.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Lolol. I was just a B cup in college. But having kids in my case made them bigger, and then any weight I gained after 50 all went to boobs and butt!
They're not so large as to be uncomfortable though - the cup size is misleading, as cup size goes down with increasing band size. I'm only a DDD because my torso is still a relatively slim 36. If I wore a 38 it'd be 38DD, and if I wore a 40 it'd only be a 40D. If I manage to lose the weight I'd like to lose I'd go back to a 36D .
The mystery to me is - where do all the skinny women with boob jobs buy their bras? Only a few Victoria Secret bras are made in my size, yet I've seen much skinnier women with bigger (fake) boobs. I would like to find out where they buy their bras!!!!
Spent much of the weekend with CMM and it was nice. Saturday he drove me two hours away to visit my good friend who is in the hospital with severe heart failure, awaiting a heart transplant. We stopped and took my one son to dinner on the way home.
Yesterday he took me to the driving range (he's teaching me to golf) , then we went for lunch and back to his place for a swim. Then we picked up groceries and came back to my house where he grilled chicken and we made dinner for the family and watched a couple shows.
It was nice. He's definitely growing on me. He's sweet and kind with a social conscience. He's a good golf teacher ( he taught his three daughters so he has practice). Physical touch is one of his Love Languages too so he meets my need for that (that means all the casual hand holding / rubbing your arm etc). Smart in a nerdy chess playing kind of way that suits me. And he still thinks I'm the bomb.
It was nice. He's definitely growing on me. He's sweet and kind with a social conscience. He's a good golf teacher ( he taught his three daughters so he has practice). Physical touch is one of his Love Languages too so he meets my need for that (that means all the casual hand holding / rubbing your arm etc). Smart in a nerdy chess playing kind of way that suits me. And he still thinks I'm the bomb.
Yay for you! I'm so happy for your positive experience. I like these happy posts.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
also, Natori and my absolute favorite, Simone Perele ... (bras) ... hey, you asked. No mine aren't fake but I did go from a B to a D post baby, and I'd probably be a C if I lost the weight I'd like to lose. I have a true love of fine lingerie. Some man's gonna be very lucky to have me some day
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
