Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 2

[arsh18]

Hi Davide, It is inevitable that you will find a void when you do things that are out of your routine but have been special to you and your W in the past. Chalk out a plan for the rest of your vaca, just simple things that you can do to keep yourself occupied. The less time you have for yourself the better it is, just surround yourself with your family who are there for you unconditionally. Is there anything you have wanted to do for your parents or family and havent had a chance before? May be this is the right time.
For me, my small children leave almost no time for myself so although GAL is limited I have no haunting thoughts while I am with them but anything I do while I am on my own and remember the past times it is always with a pang of pain. Like all other feelings experience the pain too, this is true grief before you can let her really go.
And the way you handled saying bye to her before your trip was super cool, just know while you are in turmoil here she is in no la-la land either and your DBing is getting her really confused.

[Davide]

Just a quick check-in.

I am at the beach house with my parents still, but off to NYC tomorrow and then across the country. It has been good practice spending time with my parents. They have always been extremely supportive of me, and now more than ever so there is a great deal of safety here. At the same time I have struggled to grow in my relationship with them - I have always fell back into adolescent/parent behavior patterns, and found myself getting very frustrated with them. This time I am actively trying to change that dynamic, to treat them more as people rather than just "parents". I was listening to the Five Love Languages (which I found interesting but also really depressing given that I cannot try out any of the strategies) and was able to have a productive conversation with them about it. I think that growing in this relationship is a great testing ground for me since there is the security of the unconditional love they have always given me.

I am worried a bit about my lack of exercise. I have gone on 4 20-mile bike rides this week and done 4 hour long yoga sessions, and been to a rock-climbing gym once. But all that pales in comparison to the routine I had established over the last two months. I am walking less, just moving less - that is the lifestyle of my retired parents. They also have much more food (pretzels, chips) around so my diet is not as strict as it had been. I realized going into the trip that this would be a battle and I know that I will most likely put on some more weight. That said, I think that I am in the best shape of my life (pretty cool at age 41) and maintaining that helps with my confidence and self-esteem.

My anxiety has ebbed and flowed. Passing by places where W and I spent time in previous summers regularly triggers memories and nostalgia. Walking on the beach by myself yesterday listening to music I was again moved to tears by the sadness of the situation. The other night I went to bed and woke up an hour later in a near panic attack with such high anxiety. That said, I have been able to keep myself busy - getting up at sunrise to take photos with my dad, editing photos with my dad, watching the World Cup (Ronaldo?!?!), exercising, setting up my camping supplies, reading fiction, listening to self-help books, spending quality time talking with my parents. That helps. In general, everything has been under control, and I have tried to enjoy the time with my aging parents. How many more opportunities will I have?

It has been a weeks since I left, and a week since there has been any contact with the W. That is the longest we have ever gone, and it is hard. I feel the urge to reach out and send a happy picture of me on the trip (I have been posting them regularly on instagram and facebook and they have been constantly liked by Ws best friend and sister). At times, I doubt that LTR is always for the best since I could be withdrawn (as well as needy - great combo, I know) before BD and I worry that my absolute lack of pursuit (no initiation except for strictly necessary logistical stuff for 6 weeks) can be interpreted as withdrawal or anger. But then I hit myself with the 2x4 that I know is coming here - she is in no place to listen to me, and if she wanted to hear from me, she would reach out. That this is the time and space that she asked for. I realize that me reaching out is coming from a place of fear and insecurity, and that isnt positive.

Is there a point when it is okay to reach out in a positive, upbeat way?

[LoneWlf]

Sorry D - reaching out in a positive way is persuit. Let her come to you. the new and improved you . Davide 2.0 version. Good to hear from you. Keep on!

[Davide]

Journaling.

Am now in NYC on my trip, for better and for worse. I actually have been biking all over the city - 2 days and no subway, just hauling @ss over the Manhattan Bridge to and from Brooklyn. Been out rock-climbing and visited old haunts. I have met up with cousins, friends from college, friends from my 1st real job, and spent quality time with my brother and tried to reestablish some of the connection that we had lost over the years. That is important to me. During the MR, I dropped off the grid and focused all my energies on W and really lost touch with other people who were important in my life. Reconnecting with my brother, who I have never been that close with, is, I think, a step in the right direction.

That said, it also has been a journey of shame. I have such good memories of the time I spent in my young adulthood here, and the world was so wide-open and full of possibilities. And everything I see reminds me of that time. And yet, at times, there is an overwhelming sense of shame and disappointment. Here I am over a decade later in worse shape than before and with nothing to show for it. I can reality check myself enough to say that isn't true, that I have lived a lifetime of experiences in that time and grown as a person. However, it doesnt completely erase the shadow of that shame.

Yesterday I had lunch with a dear friend who I havent spoken to in 5 years because I more or less had to cut her out of my life because she was so negative. She went through a breakup with her husband and just spiralled out of control, and I, living far far away, didnt feel like I could help, but I couldnt deal with the constant negativity and anger that she was sharing on social media. She is slightly better, but is still clearly not over a breakup that happened 6 years ago. She is full of rage that her H (they still arent divorced) has moved on, found someone else, and seems happy. She is very intelligent and knows that this is ridiculous, knows that their R was never going to work, but is still living in this resentment, rage, and misery. She listened to my story, but couldnt help but pour out parts of her own, and couldnt control her emotions as it happened.

What I never realized before is that she was the one who walked out on the R. She had an EA and then PA and her H begged and pleaded to get her back. It was a very f@cked up relationship going way back before that, but it was interesting to hear her POV. She said that eventually, after 1.5 years, they attempted to piece but that the guilt she felt and he encouraged, plus the same old patterns of the previous R quickly doomed them. It was great to see my friend, but really hard to see her like this. At the end she was quick to say that my story is not going to be like hers, that I am much too grounded and introspective and level-headed to end up like she has. I dunno.

The other thing that I learned yesterday was disturbing and I am wondering if at some point I need to reach out to my W when I have more information. A former colleague of mine, and friend who went out on double dates a few times with us, was involved in a bad traffic accident on a bus in another country, an accident in which someone died and there were other multiple serious injuries. I know that he didnt die, but beyond that I know nothing else. This guy picked me up on the side of the road when my bike died a month ago and I was stranded miles from home. He has a wife and two little girls. I really hope it isnt too serious. I probably know other people involved as well, but he is the only one I am sure of, and the one I am closest with. I dont pray but I am trying to send positive energy to him and his family.

[Maika]

Hey Davide,

I know what you mean about shame and disappointment. I don't think I went through the shame part, but definitely very disappointed in the beginning stages - I looked at my MR as the 'lost decade'. But it looks like that because you're seeing it through the lens of pain.

I am sure someone looking from the outside would give a well balanced perspective of our lives, but we only have ourselves so that makes it difficult. The world was full of possibilities, but I also realize that I didn't have the perspective and tools that I have now to go after them, but also have the wisdom and insight to pursue them.

You're younger than me and there is still so much life ahead of you. Heck, I know I have it too.

When you get past the melancholic stage - i know that place very well and it was super comforting to be there - one thing you'll realize is that the insight and learnings you have now will allow you to accelerate moving towards your goals. You can't circumvent the process, but you can speed it up. So, take solace in that.

I can tell you after so much soul searching, I came back to what is true to my core and it circles back to when I was a child. Life, through various mechanisms, made that dormant and now when I realize what I want to do with my life, I can see that it was always who I was but other people's expectations, life struggles, and society got in the way. If I had just listened to my inner voice and paid it good attention, I would've been in a different place right now.

So, yes, the past can be full of disappointment and shame, but if you don't take the wisdom from it and apply it, then it will continue to do that.

I know intuitively you know all this, but I am just vocalizing it. It really helped when other people confirmed these things for me initially when I needed external validation to keep going and learning how to trust myself again.

And trust me, it will get noticed by other people when you start radiating your true self. I just had two female colleagues compliment me on my dress sense and how I carry myself. They told me how so many men don't do that, including the ones in their lives and it was refreshing to see a man take care of himself. The external and internal confidence will always show and when it's genuine, it's unbelivably attractive.

About reaching out to W for what you learned, don't do it. There will always be some reason to reach out. I am sure she will find out on her own in some way. Just let that urge subside and just be with yourself.

[Natash]

I can tell you after so much soul searching, I came back to what is true to my core and it circles back to when I was a child. Life, through various mechanisms, made that dormant and now when I realize what I want to do with my life, I can see that it was always who I was but other people's expectations, life struggles, and society got in the way. If I had just listened to my inner voice and paid it good attention, I would've been in a different place right now.

That to me sums it up right there and is written perfectly. Nice observation and thanks for sharing it!

[arsh18]

Davide, I am glad you are getting a break away from home. I think you should take your friend's perspective of your R seriously, sometimes going through the $hit we are going thru we forget our original selves, our inherent strength, our inbuilt capacity to endure and who we really are. This friend of yours knows you outside of your MR and she sees a strong person in you, I would listen to that and understand that in the view of others in this world there is an existence outside of the MR which is just veiled right now, all you have to do is pull the curtains off and let the sunshine in and show the world who you originally were. Any encouragement, kindness, friendship that is offered to us right now can only reinforce our strength that the BD has depleted.

[Davide]

Arsh,

Thanks for the support. I find it really bizarre because for the last month or so (starting 3-4 weeks post BD) I have felt stronger than I have in ages. There was a feeling of calm that came over me when I realized that my worst fear (abandonment) came true and I was still standing. Not only was I still standing but I was physically stronger, mentally stronger, and with more of a belief in my future than in years. I feel like the BD snapped me out of depression and allowed me to reframe my life experiences in a whole new way. I don't feel like it has depleted me at all.

Of course that doesnt mean that I am not incredibly sad and anxious and longing to reconnect. It is a veritable sh@tstorm of emotions on a daily basis. But I dont doubt my strength.

[hongaku]

You sound like you are doing great, Davide. I hope I can get to a state of optimism that you seem to have found as your new baseline.

My up days are really good, but my down ones get really ugly. Your story gives me hope that I can start finding some genuine peace on a more sustained basis.

[Davide]

Thanks hongaku!

It is interesting that you mention optimism, because that is not a word that I used at all. In fact I feel pessimistic to the point of sheer hopelessness about the possibility of R. I just dont think it will ever come. For me, the strength is in facing that hopelessness head on. Tasting it. Dwelling in it for a bit and letting it wash over me. The strength is knowing that I will survive this even if it will forever sadden me.