Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 2

[Davide]

So my parents think I should push to split our joint accounts entirely. A goox friend suggested just creating new separate accounts for separate expenses going forward and taking a fixed amount of our joint accounts and leave the rest. The fixed amount would be so that we could cover initial expenses especially for my W. I dont think I need to kick her off my credit cards as she already isn't using them.

The key to me is framing this as giving her more freedom from me, not me trying to control her. Right now I can see what she is spending and that is not healthy for either of us.

Thoughts?

[TBSakaJ9]

D - That is one reason why I told her to split accounts. I did not want to know what she was spending and where she was spending it at. The budget she had was enough to pay for anything that she needed.

When my EW told me she wanted a D and then 3 weeks later she told me she wanted to move out in 3 months. I told her that I could not go on, living in the same house with her, just going through the motions. I knew our R would get even worse. I pushed her to move out sooner and seperate our accounts and in 3 weeks she was gone.

It was the best decision I ever made and if we ever recon in the future I know taking that action probably saved us.

I agree with your parents.

[Vanilla]

My W already has a credit card in her own name. That is what she is making nearly all of her purchases on. That's easy.

I am loathe to make her open up her own account and deposit her paycheck there. I feel like this is just pushing her further away. We still share phone bills, gym bills, netflix, you name it and we share it.

Perhaps this is naivete, and I am prepared for 2x4s galore - but despite BD, despite this spending, I trust W. I trust her not to go crazy with money.

Do I offer to pay her money each month so she can live on her own comfortably? I am a teacher and don't make that much, but I could afford to give her a couple hundred dollars a month. But wouldn't that be just another form of pressure?

Man, I am confused with this stuff.

I am actually going to say the exact opposite. My main core skill is finance.

So unless you make arrangements which are fair to both of you this may blow up in your face. You will be living apart, each paying your own bills. And not knowing what she is doing with money will drive you crazy. J9 has it spot on, once you are apart this could get acrimonious. Agree a good fair position now before separation and a start date. Agree a maximum on her credit card after that she refunds.

Once you have that steady then it will remove much acrimony.

It could get awful and cost a lot of L fees. Integral means you include everything, you discuss what happens if either loses their job or gets promoted.

This is a strong masculine leading position. It has to be done.

Fall short of making it a separation agreement and agree neither of you has taken legal advice and that it can be modified. Find a spreadsheet you can copy with all the expenses on it.

Her credit card and salary can be from her account and you agree an extra amount to steady the ship one way or another depending on life circumstances.

The last thing you need or want is battles with Ls on finances.

I think you can both be reasonable, it's a good place to validate, set boundaries, make agreements and stick to them.

V

[Vanilla]

D - When my W moved out we sat down at the kitchen table and discussed a financial arrangement. What bills each of us would pay for and additional money I would give her each month because I make 3 times what she makes. I did not want to control her with money which is why I gave her money each month so she could live. If she wanted out then lets sit down and see how we can make this happen. I also told her she needed to open her own checking/saving account and have her pay checks auto deposited. We split our savings account in 1/2 and I took away the credit card from her that was in my name that has a very large limit on it. She then opened one up in her own name with a small limit on it so she could use in emergencies.

I know you are not going to want to do this but you need to protect yourself financially first and you may need to make this happen before you leave town. You can have the conversation, and she can agree to it but there is nothing stopping her from not following through once you leave.

To me it is a matter of trust and personally I don't think you can do it especially with you being out of town for so long.

I really admire this J9. It sets a framework.

Hanging on to joint is controlling.

V

[Davide]

V and Joseph,

Thank you for this advice. This is very important for me to hear. I really don't want to know what she is spending money on, nor should I have a right to know. Separating will make that easier.

Did you think my framing of the issue above was fair?


I am actually going to say the exact opposite. My main core skill is finance.

So unless you make arrangements which are fair to both of you this may blow up in your face. You will be living apart, each paying your own bills. And not knowing what she is doing with money will drive you crazy.
Agreed.

J9 has it spot on, once you are apart this could get acrimonious. Agree a good fair position now before separation and a start date.
What do you mean by before separation and a start date? Wouldn't it start now, going forward? or should i push it going back to when I left the house?

Agree a maximum on her credit card after that she refunds.
If she has her own card already why should I control her maximum? She never carries a balance and pays it off in full each month.

Once you have that steady then it will remove much acrimony.

It could get awful and cost a lot of L fees. Integral means you include everything, you discuss what happens if either loses their job or gets promoted.

My job is set for the next year. What sort of arrangement would I make if she quit her job? She doesnt want me to support her. She wants to be independent.

This is a strong masculine leading position. It has to be done.

Fall short of making it a separation agreement and agree neither of you has taken legal advice and that it can be modified. Find a spreadsheet you can copy with all the expenses on it.

The only shared expenses we have are minimal - 50 dollar phone bill, 100 dollar monthly gym membership, and I am on her dental for 9 dollars a month. Those things can be split up easily. The only other thing we share are the expenses on the house (mortgage et al.) That is a whole nother matter since we are both on the deed, but neither of us is ready to sell it yet. I assumed that I would pay those since I will be living there.

Her credit card and salary can be from her account and you agree an extra amount to steady the ship one way or another depending on life circumstances.
If I am giving her half (or whatever the percentage) of the savings, that should be more than enough to tide her over for a year or more, no? Again, she wants independence from me - she is not looking for spousal support.

The last thing you need or want is battles with Ls on finances.

I think you can both be reasonable, it's a good place to validate, set boundaries, make agreements and stick to them.

You are probably right. We are both very reasonable and conscientious people, I dont think this should cause a big problem. It does terrify me though - 1. Because I feel like it is pushing her further away (I should forget that thought since she is already gone, I know, I know) and 2. Because I am afraid this will look like more control to her.

[Vanilla]

V and Joseph,

Thank you for this advice. This is very important for me to hear. I really don't want to know what she is spending money on, nor should I have a right to know. Separating will make that easier.

Did you think my framing of the issue above was fair?


What is fair is what fits your criteria. If you are asking if it's reasonable that's different. But what you and W agree is correct.

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I am actually going to say the exact opposite. My main core skill is finance.

So unless you make arrangements which are fair to both of you this may blow up in your face. You will be living apart, each paying your own bills. And not knowing what she is doing with money will drive you crazy.

Agreed.

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J9 has it spot on, once you are apart this could get acrimonious. Agree a good fair position now before separation and a start date.

What do you mean by before separation and a start date? Wouldn't it start now, going forward? or should i push it going back to when I left the house?

I mean legal S or start of D. As soon as possible.

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Agree a maximum on her credit card after that she refunds.


If she has her own card already why should I control her maximum? She never carries a balance and pays it off in full each month.

If I read it correctly this pays off from a joint account. Limits can be upped too. Beware a spree on joint funds.

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Once you have that steady then it will remove much acrimony.

It could get awful and cost a lot of L fees. Integral means you include everything, you discuss what happens if either loses their job or gets promoted.

My job is set for the next year. What sort of arrangement would I make if she quit her job? She doesnt want me to support her. She wants to be independent.

Mind reading. Until you asknow you don't know. Perhaps study other travel. Think it through. No assuming, listen with your two ears.

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This is a strong masculine leading position. It has to be done.

Fall short of making it a separation agreement and agree neither of you has taken legal advice and that it can be modified. Find a spreadsheet you can copy with all the expenses on it.

The only shared expenses we have are minimal - 50 dollar phone bill, 100 dollar monthly gym membership, and I am on her dental for 9 dollars a month. Those things can be split up easily. The only other thing we share are the expenses on the house (mortgage et al.) That is a whole nother matter since we are both on the deed, but neither of us is ready to sell it yet. I assumed that I would pay those since I will be living there.


Do your budgets. I think you will be surprised how much two households cost. You are assuming discuss it. If you do will you get extra equity going forward? Is she buying would you get a share of that. Do you need a valuation so the increase in equity is yours from now On?

It is controlling if you are assuming and saying how it is. Discuss and agree it with W.

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Her credit card and salary can be from her account and you agree an extra amount to steady the ship one way or another depending on life circumstances.

If I am giving her half (or whatever the percentage) of the savings, that should be more than enough to tide her over for a year or more, no? Again, she wants independence from me - she is not looking for spousal support.

Careful, if her half goes then all that's left is yours. A judge might further split that.

Once again, you haven't discussed it. You are assuming. Discuss it, listen to W views. Set a fair solution. You are mind reading. Stop. Until you ask how do you know?

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The last thing you need or want is battles with Ls on finances.

I think you can both be reasonable, it's a good place to validate, set boundaries, make agreements and stick to them.

You are probably right. We are both very reasonable and conscientious people, I dont think this should cause a big problem. It does terrify me though - 1. Because I feel like it is pushing her further away (I should forget that thought since she is already gone, I know, I know) and 2. Because I am afraid this will look like more control to her.

not doing this will push her further away. And if you do this, listen validate and agree fairness it is LESS controlling.

V

[Davide]

V,

Thanks again for your detailed responses.

I don't think my W has any idea about where she is going to live yet (still up to 2 months away) and I havent asked for obvious reasons. Should we be coming up together with a fair budget for her?

Yeah her credit card draws from a joint account, obviously that would be one of the 1st changes. Once that happens, the limit is her problem.

I will ask about the job situation. and the house.

I am most confused about the splitting of the accounts. We have a good bit of savings in our joint account, I thought that you had advocated for splitting that (in some fashion we can agree to) and opening separate accounts. But in your most recent comment you tell me to be careful with that. I'm not sure what I am supposed to do with that money then. Both of us need some of it to live until our direct deposits catch up in the new accounts. My friend suggested putting 5k each or something like that in the new accounts. Honestly, I would prefer to ask her to sign a release taking her name off of the joint accounts since we have so many automatic withdrawals. That could be more complicated, though.

I just want to make sure that I have thought this through. I really need/want to talk to her about this tomorrow if possible.

[TBSakaJ9]

D-IMO, you need to set a budiet that is fair for the both of you and then make adjustments depending on how you both are progressing. A few months after my EW moved out we had to revise ours because she was asking me for more money.

[Davide]

Joseph,

You mean I should work with her to set a budget for her? I was leaving that all up to her, assuming that it would come out of her salary - obviously assuming that is a mistake (NO ASSUMPTIONS!). But I dont want to control her at all. If she says that she doesnt want to share a budget with me, that it will all come out of her salary, shouldnt I accept that? I dont want to control what kind of apartment or room she moves into - if she wants to spend more on that and less on other things, is that my business?

I get that we should start new accounts for each of us and use separate credit cards (which we are basically doing).

I get that we should talk about the house and how we will handle mortgage payments going forward.

I get that I should ask about what happens if she quits her job.

I still don't understand what we should do about our joint accounts. I don't know if we should split them, take a bit out of them to start new accounts and have some wiggle room, or if I should give her money monthly out of them.

[TBSakaJ9]

D.....my ex and I sat down and went through each of our net monthly incomes and separated each bill and who was going to pay for what. What our monthly ent money would be, gas, groceries, etc. We both new hoe much the other person would have left over at the end of the month.

My ex could not afford to move out and be on her own without my help. So either I told her no, you are not moving because you can t afford to or I say let s sit down and talk about how we make this happen because I can t go on like this and if you want to be free I will st you free.

Can your wife make it on her own with rent, the bills split 50/50, food, gas money, ent etc.?




Can your wife make it on her own with getting money from you? I put my wife s budget together for her and she agreed to it. My wife would not have been able to move out without me financially supporting her. But if she wanted out I wasn t going to force her stay for that reason.



Posts combined and restored - Cadet