So, just talked to her. She was not in a great mood...and my emotions kind of got the better of me.
She mentioned that our son is with her 95% of the time, to which I responded that it wasn't true because he's always at sitters when she's either working or (doing other things that have made me bitter, to which she was offended that I'm bitter about her sex life...).
I told her I didn't care what she was doing, because it doesn't really matter.
Our son has a psychologist appointment Monday. She does not want me present (even though they recommend that we both be present). Why? Because she doesn't feel comfortable talking to me.
I told her I could drive myself to the appointment so we didn't have to ride in the same car. She said she still didn't want me there, and asked if I thought I was being respectful of her by saying I could show up anyway...I said "it's disrespectful to ask me not to attend my son's doctor's appointment".
Anyway, we tried to calm it down. Or at least, I did. She maintained that we "can't talk right now" and she indicated that in the future...maybe we could.
So I asked if she would be open to a counseling session together.
She said "I am not open to it at this time. I have too much going on between now and when school starts. But maybe when it slows down, maybe."
At least that's not a "no".
She still hasn't mentioned the divorce.
It almost seems to me that she's doing her own version of "taking a break" from the relationship. And yes. I'm very, very bitter about her sex life. I do try to keep my mouth shut, and stay positive, but sometimes it's really difficult.
What I'm wondering is this...is it possible that as a WW she is just "taking a break" but doing it the hard (for me) way? Does it sound like she's maaaaaybe considering trying to R at some point?
I didn't ask her to R. I only mentioned MC to get to where we could talk without as much risk of fighting.
At least she seems to be willing to consider it, but not when I'm ready...but when she's ready.
"What I'm wondering is this...is it possible that as a WW she is just "taking a break" but doing it the hard (for me) way? Does it sound like she's maaaaaybe considering trying to R at some point?"
NO! And stop framing everything she says and does in terms of a potential R in the future, it will drive you to the brink of insanity.
First, go to the to appointment Monday. It is for your SON not for her. If she is uncomfortable she can leave. DO not let her dictate your role of being a father to her.
blackmac, you have to act as if she is already gone. Let her go. Everything you posted above is all pressure and pursuit. SHe doesn't want you at your S's psychology appointment but you think she was open to counseling with you?!?! Come on man. You are blowing this. You need to back off.
"At least she seems to be willing to consider it, but not when I'm ready...but when she's ready."
HUH?!? Believe NOTHING, NADA, ZIP that she says. Believe only half, if even that, of what she does!
WWs will lie, cheat, deny, make things up, and do whatever they need to in order to justify their actions, appease their LBHs, and try to make themselves feel better about what they are doing. Their feelings change from minute to minute. They will contradict themselves and reverse course in a moments notice.
You are still way tooooooo attached. Detach. What are you doing to GAL? I see nothing in your update around GAL. You are making your worst fear (D) come true.
On D, quit over analyzing her lack of moving forward or discussing D. WWs are NOTORIOUSLY lazy about D. They will wait their LBHs out until he gets tired of waiting and putting up with her crap, and then he goes and files for D himself. So yeah, she isn't mentioning it or moving forward because she wants you to do it for her.
Sorry for the 2x4s, but reread your last update in terms of the DBing links Cadet provides to all new posters and to MWD's DB/DR books. You are so afar from the DBing field it isn't even funny. You need to grow a pair and start acting like an alpha or you will be crying all the way to divorce court.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
First, go to the to appointment Monday. It is for your SON not for her. If she is uncomfortable she can leave. DO not let her dictate your role of being a father to her.
Well, the appointment is 1.5 hours away, and she kinda left me financially screwed, and then I got laid off from work. So the options are 1) carpool (specifically what she doesn't want to do) or 2) take separate cars (which still puts her sitting in the office with me).
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You are still way tooooooo attached. Detach. What are you doing to GAL? I see nothing in your update around GAL. You are making your worst fear (D) come true.
Yeah. I know. I have been trying. Honestly, the more I try to detach, the more I feel like I'm abandoning her...and I know that's not the actuality. Band hasn't had time to practice, and I don't have money to actually DO much of anything at all right now. I've made some new friends, and to be honest, I feel like hanging out with certain people (in particular, female friends) doesn't really stand up to the ethics test (me being angry about her and her dudes).
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On D, quit over analyzing her lack of moving forward or discussing D. WWs are NOTORIOUSLY lazy about D. They will wait their LBHs out until he gets tired of waiting and putting up with her crap, and then he goes and files for D himself. So yeah, she isn't mentioning it or moving forward because she wants you to do it for her.
That actually makes sense. I wondered if either she was being honest about it or if she was stalling until I've "moved on". I can't really tell which one is going on. I'm assuming the latter.
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Sorry for the 2x4s, but reread your last update in terms of the DBing links Cadet provides to all new posters and to MWD's DB/DR books. You are so afar from the DBing field it isn't even funny. You need to grow a pair and start acting like an alpha or you will be crying all the way to divorce court.
First, I appreciate the blunt honesty. I truly do.
Second, as someone with issues with working memory, emotional dysregulation, and time management, I'm literally using all of my energy JUST to keep from breaking down in tears.
That doesn't make me less "alpha". I have emotions, and I have a medical reason that they are more extreme.
I have been trying to steer things in more positive directions. To a point, they seem to have been working. Lately, less so. So now, I've got to get back on track.
Yes, I'm hoping for R. Yes, I want to be okay either way. Yes, I'm doing as much as I can to GAL. And yes, I need to get back on medication for my ADHD (all the stuff I mentioned are symptoms). But until I CAN do that, I have to wade through some seriously hard to swallow BS. I am still working out. I'm still trying to take care of myself. And yeah. It all still hurts.
So do you have any specifics of something I can use to help get this on track with all of this other stuff going on?
Are you working with an IC? It really sounds like you could use that sort of help. This is an extremely tough situation and it is clear how emotional you are, even through the filter of the internet.
Read the detachment thread. Print it out. Highlight what applies to you. It is the most important thing you can do for yourself right now.
Hang in there. This [censored]. We all know because we are living it or have lived it in the past. You can do it.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
You are trying to make sense of the senseless. You are trying to find logic in the illogical. You are trying find order in disorder. WWs can't even explain their actions. When I discovered my wife sending messages on a dating site to men 15-20 years her junior, and confronted her asking her why, her answer was in exasperation: "I don't know what I am doing!"
If you were to sit her down and get a straight answer that is likely what she would tell you: "I have no idea what I am doing!" She is running on feelings nothing more.
As to this question: "So do you have any specifics of something I can use to help get this on track with all of this other stuff going on?"
Look we all have our unique circumstances. The answer is that you just have to do it. You will always find reasons that it is too difficult, or excuses as to why you can't or won't try. Those are just that: excuses. So cut the excuses and get out there and stay busy. It doesn't cost anything to go on a walk or a run. It doesn't cost much to go visit friends or have friends over. And forget female friends right now, you need to surround yourself with male friends. Join a men's group if there are those in your area. Start going to church. Do all those things you have been meaning to but have put off because you were "too busy" (when you really weren't).
Dig down deep and figure it out, you are an intelligent person, I can tell from your writing, Use that intellect. Get out there and find another job. Be the best blackmac you can be not to try to R with a cheating wayward wife, but because it will be the best thing you can do for you and your son.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Are you working with an IC? It really sounds like you could use that sort of help. This is an extremely tough situation and it is clear how emotional you are, even through the filter of the internet.
I had one session. Bottom line is that I just can't afford it. Once I can, I plan to start up again.
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Be the best blackmac you can be not to try to R with a cheating wayward wife, but because it will be the best thing you can do for you and your son.
Thank you. I needed that reminder.
Sorry, everyone, I'm just not really in a good place right now.
I think sometimes I just need a place to vent. Okay...a lot. Heh.
Yes, you're right, I'm trying to make order out of chaos. That's how my mind works anyway. Heh. And yes...I'm digging through darkness looking for hope, because this is the worst thing I think I've ever been through (my first divorce was emotional, but not like this).
This weekend, I was supposed to keep my son. Her dad wanted to keep him, so she agreed to that...then contacted me to see if it was okay. There's no right response to that...either I'm a bad guy for keeping my own son, or I'm a bad guy for being okay with it.
Last weekend, they went to the beach. This weekend, he's going to her dad's out of town. Next weekend, he's supposed to be with me (even though it would be her weekend...unless she switches it around). The weekend after that? Father's day. He'll be with her mom out of town...except Sunday morning (she comes to town anyway and takes him to church)...so MAYBE after noon I'll get to spend a couple of hours with my son.
There's not a final decree...that's still a way off. So this whole "moms/dads weekend" isn't even really a thing (except I DO love spending time with him) but she expects me to pretty much stick with whatever pattern she wants.
Monday through Friday, he's at a sitter while she works. Then every weekend, he's with either me, her mom, or her dad. And she has the audacity to say he's with her 95% of the time?
Sorry. I'm venting. This is really hard to navigate for anyone, especially someone with my medical issues.
The bottom line is that I pretty much don't even have a support system here. It's only mutual friends who are truly neutral, or people that live hours away. So I hold on to a LOT of emotional stuff. I do plan to go to IC, but it's just going to take time for me to be able to do that.
Fun fact: I've ALMOST hit my deductible...but since I got laid off, that's pretty much done. Heh.
I appreciate all of the support, I truly do. Even if I sound like I'm arguing...I'm just trying to work all of this stuff out in my head.
Steve85, I think you're right...I'm not sure she really knows why. I think she has an assortment of reasons that she pulls out of her hat based on who she's talking to...because she has the story she told me, the one she told her mom, the one she told our mutual friends, and the one she tells her own friends. They're all different.
What [censored] is that I'm the one that has to suffer for her decisions. It's exhausting, to say the least.
There's not a final decree...that's still a way off. So this whole "moms/dads weekend" isn't even really a thing (except I DO love spending time with him) but she expects me to pretty much stick with whatever pattern she wants.
Same here man, even though we just got a temporary court ordered schedule WW was trying to get me to pickup on days she has work. They will always want a little more. Give an inch they take a mile. The expectation of subservience is ludicrous. Well if she didn't want a court ordered child schedule perhaps she should have kept her legs closed, eh?
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
My opinion is, ANY time you can be with your kid, take it. Who cares if it's Mom's day, Dad's day or fricken President's day. If your wife notices you'll always get the kid(s) when SHE wants you to....guess who else will eventually notice? Your kid. And they will know they can depend on you NO MATTER WHAT and that is worth anything.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
