Afraid of the dark PART 3

[Ste7e]

Jim I have been thinking the same thing
One cat is hers one is ours
For clarification going dark is actually great for me to get myself together but felt cheeseless in relation to W
But I need to stop viewing dark as a means to manipulate my wife

[Davide]

This process is all about you. Going dark helps you so you should keep doing it. Remember we are all trying to become the kind of men and women that anyone would be lucky to have as a spouse.

[Ste7e]

Saw W twice this weekend hung out for awhile yesterday while she did laundry at the house and it was pleasant
I am not as manic in person as I am on this board where I have been unloading my anxiety
I am generally good and doing a really good job of GAL and detachment except when W talks about D directly which triggers my anxiety
I think I am excused in not fully knowing if my W is a WW WAW or MLC as all this is confusing
After this weekend where I do believe that she is a WAW

[Vanilla]

My apologies I missed catching up with your thread. And I confused you with another poster!

Blonde moment.

Am preparing a different post for you.

V

[Ste7e]

Haha no prob V
Thanks again for your help

[Vanilla]

These are my thoughts and currently a work in progress so some of the ideas aren't yet fully evaluated.

The sweet spot is when several of the following fall together and a walkaway begins to evaluate their choice. I am NOT referring to waywards or abuse sitches. And whether or not the walkaway decides to reconnect (I will make that a separate post). This can take an minimum of 18 months you to 8 years. It means a new R.

The premise is that if this doesn't work out we'll just get divorced and all will be ok. Divorce is moving into the unknown, emotionally destructive and physically demanding. It means restructuring life after having joint plans with your spouse.

There is forgiveness, compromise and extreme care. You have to keep going for yourself and those around you. I went to bed for 6 weeks in a pletjora of confusion and hurt. I was the walkaway in a severly abuse sitch.

It is the toughest you ever have it in life and it wrecks fins, health, disrupts social life, friendships, you lose one half of you. For women who really value their social structure it is doubly hard. Most walkaways don't do this easily. And there is love to consider, valuing loving yourself first.

When the hubris settles and some semblance of new stability emerges (a minimum of 18 months after D, longer if there are house sales etc). Not fast.

These are some realisations I have identified that contribute

1. Divorce is physically tough and tiring particularly for W

Sharing househouse duties and being the primary parent (which more W are than guys) is hard work, the move, renting, dealing with transport, schooling, etc occupy a lot of time. H has to let the walkaway feel the effects of walking, let her take all this on board, not obstructive but not enabling. If things are for the kids or W is in danger (broken down in a dark wood with 10 convicts on the loose) or house is on fire.

If H didn't contribute in the M, then to W there is no change, in fact if H has some custody then W life might be better if they are D.

So expect this to be a factor if H has never stepped up to the plate with his kids and doesn't have to afterwards. He will pay custody though and this should be reasonable. If H compare to then W may say 'why didn't he do this in the M? And he will get fed up with comparenting. H learns the skills he needs to be single, like ironing, nutrition etc (doesn't feed the kids McDonald's or packaged mac not cheese) etc

When H is a great dad it does give great pause to W especially if she realises that H change isn't temporary.

Classic poster on this was Edz who was jealous of his son but turned it around completely. With humour he reconciled but it took 2.5 years, W wasn't wayward.

2. H did not date W, perhaps didn't even know how

there was no going out, dressing up, romancing, holidays without the kids. H goes out in his own and W occasionally goes out.

Once H changes his attitude on this, road home smooth etc. ATM I am trying to persuade it hurts that this strategy the picnic at the lighthouse is worth pursuing.

For goodness sake, go date W during the M, learn how, DB isn't temporary it's a permanent change.

W sees H going out having an interesting life being a man only a fool would leave. She has to know it's permanent not temporary and the old dynamic won't return.

That means if the door reopens H must date with fun and interest.

There was a poster in piecing here who stopped dating his W (she was wayward but returned to her M), he had to have his arm twisted to go out and have fun with his W. Even in piecing. Not a clue.

Use this time to develop those skills, and no I don't mean dating another, I meaning learning GAL and seeing how to make it GAL for two. Dating is really GAL for two. Also validating skills.

3. Intamacy,

It's harder than you think to find a new partner if you have kids, standards and overload.

Yes, easy if you are wayward! Go to surviving the D forum here and you will read how hard it is. The LBS and walkaway have much higher standards than waywards, who will always go down to the next partner.

You are introducing a new peep in your child's life and really no point in getting out of an R to get into another different one.

Intamacy takes time and effort, in short supply.

Occasionally there is a 'friend' waiting to predate and in my case a guy who has been 'waiting' for 20 years... no, REALLY.

So this takes time too, and after dating and or seeing the offerings on Tinder, a jaded W sees H in a new light.

This takes at least 2 years. H in the meanwhile has learned validation skills, is prepared to have humour, is looking after himself and has shifted to an interesting life. Oh and the road home is smooth?

4. W AND H had very messy fin on D

In this case there is debt, fin wasn't discussed ever in the M but is bare and raw in the D. The couple don't know how to negotiate they never have. These are issues that are key life skills.

H has stuck out for joint custody and his fin stability in the after math is moving forward. He is fair to both on D, not acquiesced to W unreasonable demands and looking after his own future. For the sake of his own health and wealth.

He learns that looking after money is a key skills, living within budget and saving is important. Doing that whilst balancing the life budget and not putting his work first at all times. Discusses these balances with W and his work/life balance.

He learns these, gets on with his life fin wise whilst looking after his kids. Becomes debt free with savings, has goals for his future, plans and others.

Minimise L fees by agreeing reasonable terms but don't be too forgiving. Negotiate hard but fair and carry that into other areas of life.

W is looking at a new R with H, a new stable grown up H. Sees her own part in fin destruction. Alternatively if H has always been on top of this game, he hasn't used fin to punish, but W has a reduced lifestyle and misses the relief a good life can have. Lady Chatterley gardener can't keep her in the life to which she is accustomed. W may like V be fin independent, in which case H respects this and unlike The G doesn't try to rip her off to punish sometimes.

The H may not see that with a walkaway the way he behaves during the D process may shut the door forever, he is angry and destructive or a doormat (proving his ability to look out for his family interest is at fault.

This dynamic can bite the WAW very quickly, but H showing real change takes a couple of years and shows he can work as a team on fins. Have shared goals.

5. That sex thing

Being with someone who doesn't take care of their health is tough. Grooming is poor, H is a beer swirling couch potato who belches and has a beer gut and bad breath. Gets out of breath walking for the takeaway. Hates his kids, grumps.

Who wants to have sex and get turned on with that H. Incidentally I am describing the G who also played golf using a buggy to get about, that's exercise right? Who told V she was 'fat, ugly and oversexed'.

Really?

So sex has to be scheduled and planned sometimes, to add spice too. Whatever rocks a couples boat, none of anyone's business. If W wants dress play (aka, Ross and Rachel in friends) then go do it, play strangers, flirt, dress up to the theatre. Go for it.

Aged pa and ma had nookie until aged pa was nearly 90. It's connection and intamacy.

WAW already has attraction for H, she M, made babies etc. She has connected love, history etc. At some stage after D herror juices will start to flow, it's not easy to find another connection. Sex yes, for W easy to find, good sex not so much and an R yuk!

It's hard work. Remember W isn't wayward and won't want a fast lifestyle. Kids will limit that too. Many WAW I know are leaving dating until the kids are gone, could take years.

In the meanwhile H has time to become his sexy self, learn to dress and understand connection.

6. The post retirement D

Often W has waited a long time to escape from her M. H has neglected his M, perhaps putting work first, now it's golf or something else.

In the world I am and age group, these are the most determined W to escape and often they don't want lovers but their own life.

H has it harder than W in this group. I am still thinking this through and as I am studying law at the moment I need time to finish my research.

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I do have more but it isn't fully formed. One of those is goals, where a H has no direction for himself how can he have this for his family? We also have GAL for W anD H together and seperately.

So the sweet spot may vary with each sitch and each WAW.

Once you see it then you know. Once you know you will never unknow! OK.....

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Hope that helps

V

[Vanilla]

The above are from my study notes and don't flow very well. I will refine in time, if that's OK.

Following my red faced goof I wanted you to have them. I am planning a thread on the difference between a walkaway and a wayward for the board. But in essence I can't really improve on DB or DR other than to introduce some elements to a post or two.

So once again my apologies.

Are we good?

V

[LoneWlf]

Thank you Vanilla or sharing some very insightful information!

[Ste7e]

The above are from my study notes and don't flow very well. I will refine in time, if that's OK.

Following my red faced goof I wanted you to have them. I am planning a thread on the difference between a walkaway and a wayward for the board. But in essence I can't really improve on DB or DR other than to introduce some elements to a post or two.

So once again my apologies.

Are we good?

V

V thanks for posting this. I look forward to your post about WW vs WAW mostly interested in the difference of how the LBS should act in relation to the WAW (right now from what I understand Sandi's rules are the approach for a WAW). I am fearful that I don't use WW techniques which will actually make matters worse.
W and I are currently on slightly better terms we have been communicating everyday over the last 8 days, besides my stupid phone call and an email today she has initiated contact. And I have been the first to go everytime. I did send an email today on advice of my IC that all D discussion should be handled via email as it triggers my anxiety in person. W was understanding of this approach.
I am planning to take an extended trip and hope that my time away will help me better GAL.

I do have to admit that the idea of the only way back for WAW is at least 18 months following a D. That really dashes any hope of Rec. I might of had. And the idea of the inevitable D is a bummer. That all said my spirits have been really high all week, I have cried a few times when emotions have hit (I nee dto not suppress them according to IC) but bounced back immediately. And especially in relation to how bad I felt on Thurs and Fri around the stupid call I made I feel great and that bottoming out didn't stick around halleljuah!

[Vanilla]

Sandi rules are absolutely on point!

As is picnic at the lighthouse.

V