Can I really do this #2

[SteveLW]

As far as the fee, I'd point out to her that the mediator is $100 from each of us for each hour. So she understands, you are on your own for your half.

[TBSakaJ9]

Do I point out these issues? or just blindly go in there (I am not blind and already know what I would/wouldn't agree to) with her?

JS - My EW and I split the cost of our D 50/50. We did not go to mediation and we hired 1 L to complete all the paperwork. It cost us about $250 to file with the County and we paid $750 to the L.

I say that to say this. Do what your comfortable with, there is no right or wrong answer and it strictly depends on the R between you and your W. If you are comfortable and are knowledgeable about your rights then proceed. If not, don't.

When my W told me she wanted to move forward with Divorce I agreed to meet with her at a time that was good for the both of us. She made the appointment with the L that was good for both of us. I did pull our financial documentation because I handled all of the bill and investments and I did proofread and make adjustments to our final Divorce decree.

In the end everything that my EW and I agreed upon was done so between us. No else advised on anything.

That made me feel extremely comfortable. My EW also agreed to not have the state auto deduct my child support payments from my check each month.

Don't be scared and do what is comfortable to you.

[Dtrmned]

Reading through other posts, I am just asking a question from those who have read through my sitch.

Am I dealing with a WW, WAW, MLC or a combination of these?

I just am looking to see from an outside perspective (knowing you don't live in my home and know everything) but by her actions, reactions, etc. what the overall opinion is.

Thank you!

[SteveLW]

Definitely WAW, maybe WW. MLC doesn't matter.

I said this yesterday. WWs are usually always also WAWs. WAWs are not necessarily WWs.

MLCs are a catalyst for 1 or both above. But the catalyst doesn't matter as it doesn't change how you approach your WW or WAW. WWs do require different handling, and sandi and arista can guide on that.

[Dtrmned]

Thanks Steve.
Just an update to get the thoughts out of my head.

S had his 6th grade graduation today. Both W and I went, rode together, and talked and mingled with other parents after like nothing was going on. Other than that, fairly chilly between us. I didn't volunteer any conversation and just responded (politely) when she did. After we got home she said that she was going to have a family dinner for him tonight. "ok" was my response.

After, I get the email from my W that usually takes a week after school ends to get. My D still has a half day tomorrow, but the gist of the email was "your kids are crazy and running around the house!" Knew she wasn't going to like her space infringed upon, but didn't think it was going to be this quick. In her email she said she was checking on dates to get in front of a mediator. I simply responded sure, just let me know and we can get a date. She sent back, well I guess this week is out, I will call and see if they have something next week. She is in a big hurry then puts it off! I kind of laughed to myself and just responded that they want some paperwork filled out prior to us going. She said "we pretty have it all filled out". We do not, we had a small conversation where we agreed on just a very few issues. So NO we have nothing filled and/or worked out. I didn't say this to her, just responded "ok".

Both kids out of school either now or by 11am tomorrow. Let's see how this goes! W is still having issues and is not sleeping. She was up at very early the last few days. I don't know if these are medical, mental (anxiety to our sitch) or what, but you can tell she is just drained. Kids didn't need lunch today, so I spent an extra 45 on the treadmill this morning. 8 miles in before 7 am, not a bad start to the day!

HAVE to find something to do with the kids this weekend especially since it is a holiday weekend. May go to a park or a canyon for a hike so as not to start a financial discussion and issues.

My S was awesome today! So proud of him! I hate that my kids are going through this. And that it is probably going to get worse before it gets better.

I will be the lighthouse and the rock.

[Dtrmned]

FUN update...

W calls and is upset that we are in a touch of a disagreement about how to deal with our D's grades. I voiced my opinion, she voiced hers. We discussed the united front situation. We talked, I listened, then she went into a rant about how she is positive I am seeing someone else (I'm not) since I am working out, looking better, more positive and happy. She said "everyone knows your attitude is fake and that it won't last". Responded that I didn't know what she meant by fake, I was just working on and am happier at the present time. She then went on to jab pretty hard. "You will be in a relationship within 2 months of me leaving. Men are weak and can't stand to be alone. All you want is just to get laid. " Wow, pretty harsh words followed by "you will find someone, sweep her off her feet, then destroy that marriage like you did ours". So 20 years of "faking" my way through, I'm pretty amazing and should head to hollywood!

She hung up. I called back and asked to speak to our D. She put her on the phone, I reiterated and backed up everything my W said and got off the phone. W calls back even more upset that. "how could you do this?" What, support you in what YOU thought was right?

Way off the rails today and its only the first day (D had her last half day today) of summer break.

I did threaten to go ahead and come home and talk to D directly and W asked "why, are you just trying to punish me by coming home?"

She then said I was dragging my feet in the D situation again by saying that anything regarding business I am straight on and would have it done. I asked "did the mediator you called get back to you yet?" She said no. Responded that I didn't know what else she wanted me to do. She said "I just want out of this house and done with you. I'm ready to just throw everything out the window just to get out."

This is going to get way harder as it progresses. Whether there is a chance to get better and recon or not, unsure.

[SteveLW]

JS, she is rebelling. Her words are and actions are very revealing. When a WAW says things like "You are seeing someone." "You will be with someone in 2 months." "Your changes are not real." They are rebelling against what they are seeing.

Likely she is having feelings she didn't want to have. Feelings of wanting to stay. Feelings of being reattracted to you. Feelings of questioning her previously state desire.

I've told my story before, but the last time my wife really rebelled against the MR we were waiting for a table at a marriage retreat. She was hearing a lot of things at the retreat that she didn't want to hear. Commitment. Sticking it out through tough times. Not fooling yourself that you "don't loving" your spouse anymore. A lot of things that were making her think. It was Chritian based too so it was really hitting home to her that this was all in line with her beliefs and faith no matter what she tried to say.

So we are at a restaurant at lunch waiting for a table. And I am going through news articles on my phone. She looks over and says "What are you doing, messaging girls online?" (Now remember, that was exactly her behavior that lead to BD, an online EA with another guy.) I just chuckle and shake my head. She then says: "I mean, it would be okay if you were."

This launched us into a huge R talk, throughout lunch. It stayed civil, though she did get frustrated a couple of times.

That afternoon, I put my arm around her at the retreat during one of the speakers and she put her hand on my knee. We went to dinner that night and while waiting for a table I put my arm around her and she laid her head on my shoulder. We shopped together. The next day on the way home she mentioned that she just needed to get her "head on straight", and realize that she was committed because that was what God wanted. We talked a little more about the R, but then we just had a good time on the rest of the drive. Sang, talked, laughed.

The point is JS that WWs often rebel against the fact that they are coming back to the marriage. After all they've already stated that they are done. And that is hard to change back from once it has been stated. People don't like to be wrong. Especially when it took a lot for them to verbalize their desire to end the marriage to begin with.

To me this is all good stuff from your W. It shows me that she is having that tug of war internally. That she wants to go, but now she is starting to want to stay. Remember, believe NOTHING they say. We often think of that in terms of them telling us good things to get what they want. But it goes the other way too. You can't believe them when they say they don't believe your changes, or that "everyone knows", like she could even know that. And then having you back her up on the D's grades, just starts to cement that you've changed, and it makes her angry because it is another tug of wanting to stay.

"I just want out of this house and done with you. I'm ready to just throw everything out the window just to get out."

More of the same! Big talk by someone that isn't even following through in her other pronouncements (paperwork for mediation, scheduling time with the mediator, etc).

So while it is hard and frustrating at times, this is a sign that DBing is working. All WWs are different, some are more stubborn than others. She may continue to rebel against these changing feelings for quite a while. But as someone that has been through it this is all pretty much according to script once they start seeing the 180s, the GAL, and a spouse they'd be foolish to leave!

[SteveLW]

Oh one other thing I failed to mention. On the drive home from the retreat, she even admitted that it was hard to give up on the dream of getting a job and getting her own place. This shows the thinking of the WW, where that dream or illusion or fog-induced ideal is hard to let go of. She was wanting to. She even felt she needed to. But it was difficult because for at least 2 months (and even longer since it started before BD) she had convinced herself that that was exactly what she wanted and needed to be happy.

[Dtrmned]

Thanks Steve! Great feedback and I appreciate it!

I will continue with my GAL and do what I am doing. She is on it today, texting me what day we can do the mediation appointment. Responded and we will see. She still has done zero on the paperwork side.

Her first place she called had June 12th open. She said she is going to look for one to get us in sooner. She is VERY pressed within herself presently and I agree with you she is struggling to get to where she has decided she wants to be despite her glancing/looking back. With the kids out for summer, it is going to be a little more difficult for her to have her space at home and the crowding will not allow her to escape into her fantasy world too well. I almost welcome the escalation as it means she still has very strong feeling. These feelings may be very bad at the moment, but strong.

I have read through your posts and appreciate the insight on your own situation. Your struggle is real and I am wishing all the best for you as you both are moving forward.

Just an fyi on my W. She is very anti religious. Her parents, F alcoholic abuser, M alcoholic enabler, but they shoved it down her throat so she rebelled very early. She is "spiritual" and believes in a higher power, she just turns off when it comes to Christianity and organized religion. A few of the books we used prior were Christian based and that really made her turn her head and kept her from focusing on our MR instead of the bad feelings about religion. Not giving up on that one, but that is a fight for another day down the road.

[SteveLW]

Thanks Steve! Great feedback and I appreciate it!

I will continue with my GAL and do what I am doing. She is on it today, texting me what day we can do the mediation appointment. Responded and we will see. She still has done zero on the paperwork side.

Her first place she called had June 12th open. She said she is going to look for one to get us in sooner. She is VERY pressed within herself presently and I agree with you she is struggling to get to where she has decided she wants to be despite her glancing/looking back. With the kids out for summer, it is going to be a little more difficult for her to have her space at home and the crowding will not allow her to escape into her fantasy world too well. I almost welcome the escalation as it means she still has very strong feeling. These feelings may be very bad at the moment, but strong.

I have read through your posts and appreciate the insight on your own situation. Your struggle is real and I am wishing all the best for you as you both are moving forward.

Just an fyi on my W. She is very anti religious. Her parents, F alcoholic abuser, M alcoholic enabler, but they shoved it down her throat so she rebelled very early. She is "spiritual" and believes in a higher power, she just turns off when it comes to Christianity and organized religion. A few of the books we used prior were Christian based and that really made her turn her head and kept her from focusing on our MR instead of the bad feelings about religion. Not giving up on that one, but that is a fight for another day down the road.

It always saddens me when someone takes things their parents or others did to them and blames Christ for it. Oh well, this is why we are warned to avoid being a stumbling block...........