Can I really do this #2

[Dtrmned]

I agree. I grew up in church as well and very fond memories and great times. I think my W more associates the very, very bad times with her parents and the hypocrisy that went along with it so every time it is mentioned, she just shuts down. We have been to some churches over the years, even found a two that we liked along the way, we just never stuck with it.

So BIG night last night. She blew up on the phone yesterday at me very much as I mentioned. I got home, went on my run, things settled down and she came up to me looking to talk. She said that she wasn't taking anything she said back, but she was sorry that it was a very long thyroid rage filled tirade. That she was very emotional and just ready to get things moving forward. She the presented her left hand to me and said "I just wanted you to know that I took my wedding ring off today. I just think it was time. I need to detach and this was symbolic for me to do this." I was hurt as I did figure this was coming some day, just didn't think it would be then. I flinched for a moment, made a jab or two, then re-focused and realized that (at least I think) this is her VERY much trying to solidify her position in her mind. She is struggling with her decision. She is hard pressed to stick to it. Yesterday was a hard day for her and this was her way of standing up and doing all she could to move it forward. Thoughts on this???
After her confusing non apology, I just said "ok".

When she said the ring thing, like I said, I did make a jab or two. She is totally convinced that I am seeing someone due to the fact that I am taking care of myself, happier, healthier, and not pestering her any longer. I asked her if she thought I was that kind of a man. She responded "I never would have before, but now I just don't know". I responded "I am still the same man I have always been. There were the few years of anger due to the financial crisis that was not a happy time for any of us. But, I am done with that and am moving on. I am happier with what I am doing and I know who I am. I have never in our time together been unfaithful to you."
I know this was kind of a temp check from her as she also said that I could take my ring off if I wanted to as well. I didn't respond. I will keep my ring on. IF I ever get to the point that we are D, then I will entertain those thoughts.

Weird ending though. After, we just watched a show as our D was at a party that my W had dropped her off at. She stayed a little longer and it was dark outside. I had told both my W and D that my W was taking her and coming to get her. D called and said she was ready. I got up and did some things around the house thinking it was a no brainer on this since everything was all set up. W eventually gets up and says "I guess I have to go all the way across town and get her, in the dark, and I have no idea where I am going." A lot of drama there. I just let that go. First, she dropped her off, 2nd the place is 10 minutes from our home, not across town, and if she couldn't drive at night, why didn't she just pick her up earlier? or ask me to go get her?

Should be a fun holiday weekend. Weather will be good, so looking forward to getting out by myself and with my kids!

[SteveLW]

So BIG night last night. She blew up on the phone yesterday at me very much as I mentioned. I got home, went on my run, things settled down and she came up to me looking to talk. She said that she wasn't taking anything she said back, but she was sorry that it was a very long thyroid rage filled tirade. That she was very emotional and just ready to get things moving forward. She the presented her left hand to me and said "I just wanted you to know that I took my wedding ring off today. I just think it was time. I need to detach and this was symbolic for me to do this." I was hurt as I did figure this was coming some day, just didn't think it would be then. I flinched for a moment, made a jab or two, then re-focused and realized that (at least I think) this is her VERY much trying to solidify her position in her mind. She is struggling with her decision. She is hard pressed to stick to it. Yesterday was a hard day for her and this was her way of standing up and doing all she could to move it forward. Thoughts on this???
After her confusing non apology, I just said "ok".

Yes this is exactly what you think it could be. She is rebelling against her feelings of starting to want to change. Even the accusing you of seeing someone is her trying to keep justifying in her mind her decision to D. As I think it was you I told yesterday, this is all good even though it hard to go through. Her accusing you, her removing her ring, IMHO, is her obviously questioning her decision and therefore trying to muster up reasons and actions to stay the original course she had set her mind on.

JS, you are doing well. You are handling things well. The jab or two was a mistake. Cool, loving detachment with validation should have been your reaction. "I am sorry you feel that way, however I feel that since we are married we should still wear our rings." You validate her feelings, but stated yours.

And yes, it is easier to think of what to say or should have said after the fact. So I think you handled it pretty well considering you got blindsided with the ring thing. This is why if you were expecting it it helps to have your reaction and response ready to go. Again, easy to say afterward, harder to do in practice since your hope is you never have to do it.

[Dtrmned]

Not an easy weekend, but not a bad one either.
I did cancel our joint credit card on Friday. Unfortunately, my W didn't call me back when I did until after she tried to use it. Funny how things work, she hadn't used it in awhile, so it was just very coincidental and of course dramatizing how it unfolded. She accused me of retaliating for her taking off the ring. I stated I had just researched it a few weeks ago and it was time. No reason to leave a large credit account out there for either of us to exploit and be accused of anything. She said "but that was for emergencies". I stated yes, it was. We will have to find other ways to handle those. I VERY much validated her feelings and apologized for how it unfolded as I did not mean to put her in that situation. I had called to let her know and the timing just blew. But I owned the issue, validated her feelings, and again apologized for the position she ended up in. I did not apologize for taking care of the outstanding possible blow up issue.
W and I stayed away from each other for the most part except for dinners with the kids.
W did have one confrontation where she accused me again of seeing someone. She, of course, added the "if you are, I don't care, just tell me" line. I validated her feelings an said that this is very hard for both of us as we have said we are going to respect each other in this way while we are living in the same home. If you don't care, why does it matter?
She again commented " Well, with all the changes, you taking care of yourself way better, not angry, and not pestering me, SOMETHING has to have changed". I just told her that I was through being angry and was working on myself and enjoying the children. Again, validated her feelings, did not get drawn in. I think I said something else like, As we are headed through this process that you want us to go through, it is going to be very different. We used to talk about everything, now we rarely speak and it is just about finances or the kids, so yes, I can see how your mind may wander here and there. I do the same.

I did end the conversation quickly and then ran an couple of errands. I am still very perplexed about her swearing I am seeing someone else. As I said, other than my hikes and runs which are all during the day, all I do is go to work and back. We have no money for extracurricular activities, nor do I want alcohol involved if I were just to go hang with some friends for a few hours. I feel this is counter intuitive to the GAL part, but I do not know how to handle and justify this any other way.
Her rage issue is still going on. No sleep, pain, rage so she was very cold this weekend and again we stayed away from each other. I don't think she liked the fact I wasn't following her like a puppy dog and did my own thing. Think this caused her to do some more research on the D/Mediation thing as she spent a bunch of time upstairs with her computer making notes.
Today is another day!
Don't now what it will hold. I did ask how her job search was going as some help paying the bills would be appreciated and she said she hasn't started it yet. Maybe that was the research she was doing.

[Dtrmned]

One other comment.
I am perplexed about a situation.

W wants a D and to be gone.

I have been looking for a good opportunity for almost 2.5 years now. Funny how things go, but this opportunity (with ownership stake) just came up a month ago. Discussions are moving along, but I can't do anything with this MR issue as I wouldn't want to give her any rights, nor would I put my partner at risk getting involved in this.

This would require a relocation. W has always said she wanted to move back to where the relocation would be anyway, so I don't think that is an issue. My problem is, that if I want to get my careers back on track, I may to push the D quicker to get it settled in the window for this opportunity. Do I do this and hope that along the way she realizes and changes her mind? Do I just grab the reins, push forward and make the D happen? Or do I just sit, practice DB and wait?

Financially, this could open the door back to where my kids and myself would be in a way better place.

Weird how life is.

[SteveLW]

JS, as is often said here, D usually happens when the LBS has had enough and files for it themselves. Filing for D is always within your rights, so yes if you this something you want to do D, for whatever reason, then do it.

Sometimes the LBS filing for D is the wakeup call the WAS needs. Until then they may have been using threat of D as a way to try and control the LBS. When the LBS files that is the ultimate show of detachment and sometimes the WAS will panic and want to R.

It is a dangerous time for the LBS. The WAS might just be stalling until Plan A comes together, therefore they don't want to give up Plan B yet. So it is important for you to think about what you'd need her to do in order to prove that she is ready to really R, or if it is just bluster to try and regain control.

I know in my sitch, my contacting a lawyer really sobered up my W that D was more than just a threat. Within a few weeks of me telling her I had spoken to a lawyer, she started to come back to the MR. She started to not only say but to show she was willing to embrace my positive changes and work on the MR. The big change was she began to engage in the homework we got from the MC. Up until that I think she was in MC just to say that "we tried". Once I dropped the lawyer bomb on her she was suddenly all for doing the homework.

So don't use D as a manipulation but realize if you do file for D she might want back into the MR. You just have to make sure she really wants to R and isn't just holding on to Plan B in a panic.

[Dtrmned]

Thanks Steve.
It is a rough, rough choice.
I have to think on this today a lot.

[Davide]

I understand the dilemma. For my own career going forward it would probably be better to relocate but that would require selling the house and foreclosing any possibility of R with the W. I know that I am not there yet but you seem much further along in your journey. I wish you the best!

[Dtrmned]

My W would welcome the relocation.
She wants us to be in the same town, just not the same house, and not the city we are in now.
Weird!
She thinks a "fresh start" will benefit her, the kids and everyone.
She forgets the shock on the kids with their parents breaking apart, moving cities, leaving friends behind, schools behind, etc. Not to mention that we would have separate households and we can't afford something like we are in now, so no back yard means the big dog has to go. Who is going to tell them that?
Not to mention that moving is expensive. She has no money for deposit, rent, utilities, car, let alone who is going to move her stuff? AND, she doesn't have a job.

Davide, I am definitely not any further along in this journey. fortunately or not, life sends you curves and the path and timeline fluctuates. I am still committed to my MR and my family. BUT, how can I ignore a chance to provide better for my family (as unsure as I am as to who those members are at this moment)

[AnotherStander]

I have been looking for a good opportunity for almost 2.5 years now. Funny how things go, but this opportunity (with ownership stake) just came up a month ago. Discussions are moving along, but I can't do anything with this MR issue as I wouldn't want to give her any rights, nor would I put my partner at risk getting involved in this.

I faced the same situation, I was offered a partnership in my firm. It is EXACTLY why I pushed the D through. I can't tell you what to do, but I can say that personally when faced with the same situation divorce was the only reasonable answer.

Do I do this and hope that along the way she realizes and changes her mind?

No, if you do it then do it because it's what's right for YOU. It likely will not bring her back.

Do I just grab the reins, push forward and make the D happen? Or do I just sit, practice DB and wait?

Financially, this could open the door back to where my kids and myself would be in a way better place.

I think you already answered your question. Your W is out of the picture, so what is best for YOU and your KIDS?

[Dtrmned]

I dislike this very much anotherstander but I also agree.
I'm sure something is coming on her end. I can just feel her tension rising and her mounting frustration to get something moving, although she will do nothing (like get a job or move out) to move this thing along.

Interesting days ahead.

Validate, don't over react, don't react much at all if possible!