Yeah, trust me, I do not want to live next door...problem is finances. Not sure I can afford a different house. Prices have skyrocketed due to housing shortage. I will eat $30k on the rental house alone...plus whatever I spend extra per month on the new house...horrible financial losses. I can offer to move elsewhere if she pays the difference...
I offered to buy her out of the house....nothing doing. Even kids visitation schedule revolves around her school schedule. Alternate schedules have my kids with sitters half tge time with her...I cannot do that to my kids.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
As far as our odd interactions, I think it comes from me wanting to save our marriage and my wife checking out long ago and being used to faking the wife role...filing for divorce is no different a feeling for her.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
Come on man..... Everytime you write on here you say. I can't, because..........and then end with my W. You can't do it and the reason is always your W. Go back and read every time some person on here gives you advice, your excuse for why you can't involves your W.
Your W is her own number one priority. And she is also your number one priority. She's going to grad school and she send the kids to be with a baby sitter while she's studying. When are you going to make yourself a higher priority than you make your W.
I know the prices in Bexar county. I rented a home in Bexar county last year for 7 years and sold that home last year. You can rent out that home next to your W for way more than what the mortgage is. You can also find an apartment until you get on your feet to buy another house.
IMO you have an unhealthy attachment problem to your kids and W. We all love our kids on this board, and there have been a lot that have the same attachment as you but they have found ways to move on and separate themselves from their unhealthy Sitch. Look at MTB. He's still caring for his children and he has moved on from his W. He has not stopped loving her, but he has stop taking her disrespectful sh$t.
Every Sitch is different, but for some reason you have more excuses than others.
Start thinking about what does a person only a fool would leave, will look like from who you are and who your W is. And I can tell it wont be the ExH husband living next door, paying his W child support. Become a Alpha again.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
As far as our odd interactions, I think it comes from me wanting to save our marriage and my wife checking out long ago and being used to faking the wife role...filing for divorce is no different a feeling for her.
No. That's not it... Just about every man who comes here wants to save his marriage, and has a wife who has checked out... Most LBH may not require their WW to do the work (same as you... You all tend to make excuses for your WWs) but they at least start working on themselves at differing levels... You have yet to work on yourself...
You have gotten top-notch advice during all of your segments, (you have segments because you come here for a time, then disappear, then resurface with your situation being worse than before)... You have every excuse for why you can't take the advice (which could have saved your marriage, or at the very least, given you your manhood back)... But you keep doing what you do, make no real changes, and now your WW has filed... i told you she would... And again, your situation is worse, and you are still making excuses... Perhaps this hard-headedness is something your wife is turned off by? I don't know...
In any case, you are in a different place now, that has been forced on you... 180s that would have impressed your W in the beginning will not do it now... Going on weekends away with her and the kids... Too little, too late... You seem determined to stay ATTACHED... I can see that even if the D becomes final, and WW ends up with BIL, you will still somehow be attached... Don't fool yourself into thinking it won't happen because family won't accept it... WW and BIL won't care about that... Who knows, your sister may still invite them over for dinners and weekends...
My W is convinced that our divorce is our family exactly the same but us living in 2 houses...she actually said that.
Me likely living next door is not going to help this dillusion either. Nor is my sister still inviting my W to stuff...I asked my sister to stop, but she wants tge kids to still see each other...I suggested I am the only one to bring tge kids over
I don't get you, I don't get your wife and I don't get your sister... You say your sister is worried about all of this causing her marriage to fail... But she still invites your wife to her home? Both you and your sister have put the relationship between your kids (who are cousins) before what is best for your marriages... Which may very well result in your kids becoming step-siblings... Well, at least all the kids will be super connected to each other, which seems to be super important to you all... Insert Twilight Zone theme song here...
Ive left and resurfaced several times from this board mainly because I lacked tge time to keep rehashing my sutuation.
So, let me step back and see exactly what I need to do diffetently...Ill start with my schedule: Monday and Wednesday, wife in school, I take cate of the kids, wife comes home late, I have zero ibteraction with her. Tuesday and Thursdays, I go on trainibg bike rides with friends right after work, shower up and put kids to bed, no interaction with wife, go to bed. Fridays vary...usually hang out with the kids while wife does chores, no intetaction with wife. Saturdays, training ride and working outside until lunchtime or later, come in and hang out with kids, no interaction with wife. Sunday, church, them outing as family or hang with kids as wife does school work.
I spend zero time with my wife with exception of church and maybe a famiky outing. I GAL by training with friends, and I spend a lot of time just me with our kids.
When my wife goes out of town, I go about half the time with my family...more in rrcent history than historically. As mentioned, this was a 180 for me...spending more time as a family.
I stayed home this weekend and went out yesterday with a new friend and her kids...NOT a date. Next weekend, I am thriwing a birthday outing with friends and taking the kids out of town solo.
I have been married my entire adult lufe...so, I may not be good at doing tgings on my own...for me. But, how am I not detached?...I do nearly everything on my own or with my kids.
Im frustrated by comments on here as well...I followed advice of coaches after passing on advice from this forum to tge coaches. The comments are very generak, like get your balls back, detach, GAL...I really dont understand what to do differently.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
I hear what youre saying you are paying for the coaching so you should be taking their advice. The truth is where you are at now you shouldn't be spending money on coaching or MC only IC.
In my situation my wife is nice to me, sleeps in the same bed with me and we still have sex. She cleans my house (I am keeping it in the D) will do my laundry if needed etc.... but she still wants a D. It took me a long time to get where I am at but I just have to let her go.
I do not do a single thing to try to get her to change her mind. You know what? I feel at peace. I know I can look myself in the mirror and say that I gave it my best shot. That's all I need for the day my kids are older and want to talk about it.
You have to try to get to that place. Every decision you make should be in the best interest for you and your kids.
Looking at houses, making lists of assetts, going through the motions of divorce, but I still do not believe this is what my wife really wants.
I know what everyone is thinking...Tate is in denial.
Maybe, but hear me out. So my W asked me to get together to list assetts. I told her I have a list already. She asked me for thevlist to which I nicely suggested she make her own list so we can see the things we each forgot. She got mad and insisted I stop wasting her time making a list if I already have one. I again suggested she make a fresh list. Her response became something like...this is why we dont get along, if you are asking why I filed for D, this is why.
So, my W is upset, but more importantly, she is NOT indifferent. A wise friend of mine stated this today...the opposite of love is not hate...its indifference. My wife is not indifferent to me or us.
This got me thinking...my wife has never had a chance to miss me, us, or the kids. Would there be value in me delaying our mediation scheduled for next week, getting kicked out of the house via temporary orders just to force a separation? I dont really see a downside to doing this.
And to those who will respond, GAL, do it only for you, work on yourself...well, this would be a good way for me to continue doing this. As I mentioned, I went out with a new friend Saturday while my aw was out if town with the kids. I felt *awesome* the next day. In fact, after my family returned in the evening, I put on a headset, listened to good music, and made some new life playlists as I called them. Later tgat evening, my wife stopped me, looked at me strangely, and said, "youre acting strange." ...and I was for me...and I felt great.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
I'm trying to stay away, but your Sitch has me up at night. Aint that something.
Please, please, please, stop trying to do things to get a reaction out of your W. This has and is your problem. Every thing you do is to get a reaction out of your W. Let your W go. The faster you can catch on to this, the better chance you have of getting her back.
Please go back and read thru your thread, I know I mentioned your W hasn't had time to miss you. I'm glad you are now seeing this but, her missing you will only come from you detaching fully. You won't have any strings attach and you won't care if she stays or goes when you are fully detached.
Stop trying to control the Sitch and stop trying to mind read. If she is indifferent shouldn't matter to you at the moment. She is having an A. Im pretty sure she might be indifferent, but you staying attach will only keep her that way.
See what happened when you smiled and went about your life. She was confused. You are becoming a different person to her. Now it's time to become mysterious. Keep smiling, and keep moving forward. You are on your on track now. Stay on your track and stop worrying about what she is doing on hers.
I also know you want specifics, so stop doing things and then look back to see if your W is watching. She will let you know she is watching with her comments.
You were right to Tell her to make her own list. You didnt bail her out of her responsibility. She wants a D, let her do her own work. Her comment wasn't her being indifferent IMO, it was her being selfish and trying to guilt you into doing the work. She knows you don't want the D. So expect from now on, anytime she doesnt get what she wants, she will use the D as a way to try and get her way, a way to try and scare you and keep you attach. Your comment, to her when she brings up D should always be, "this is not what I want this is what you want". And leave it at that. Don't argue or try and plead your case, that simple comment will be enough. Then you keep on smiling, poking your chest and showing her the best Tate ever. The Tate only a fool would leave.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
She wants the D, she needs to do the work... Why should you help her? Your WIs selfish to the Nth degree... She needs to come up with her own list and anything else she needs for her D...
Honestly, next time she says something like,"This is why I am divorcing you," you should respond, "Let's be honest. We both know BIL is the reason you are divorcing me." And walk away...
