My New Scenario

[Newly20]

Just bumming out these past 48hrs, thinking what could have been done differently> Is DB done for me? What else is there to do. I know it's not over until the ink is dry but I'm so lost right now.

When W initially left she said divorce meant nothing to her and that she would wait a year to decide if that's what she truly wanted. Wondering why the sudden change from her? I cant think of what i could have done on my part to push her over the edge per say.

I still have not confirmed OM but given the way my sitch has unfolded it seems highly likely. Does this change anything? If so, what approach should i take? Should i look into it further to see if i find anything.

At first i did say that if there was OM involved i would be done with this, but as time progressed i had a change of heart. When my D3 asks why we aren't together or when i will come over to stay at her new house it totally breaks me.

When i speak of my sitch to people IRL they give me advice to move on, still young and that i can find someone else. All this is soooo easy to say, but i cannot fathom it. This feeling of being an LBS is one of the saddest things one can go through. Still, its a fresh wound and I don't see the other side yet, hoping that with time this will begin to heal and i can be the best ME again.

[Newly20]

[Newly20]

[AnotherStander]

I told her i did not believe that D was the solution to our problems but i would not stand in the way of her happiness.

Good. That's the best approach, you don't want to act like you approve of it but you want to make it clear that it is her choice and you will go along with her choice regardless. Because the reality is it only takes one to divorce anyway. So in not standing in the way you are removing pressure, and if she doesn't feel pressure she won't feel the need to hurry it through.

Some days i bum out thinking on how this is my fault, but in reality it was a joint effort, our marriage got to this point because of US, not ME.

Correct. But only you are here. Remember Michele's chapter "It Takes One to Tango".

At this point hope has extremely diminished. Now to continue moving forward with myself only, being the best father i can be and let the pieces of the puzzle fall into place as they need to.

Hope is 100% yours. You can choose to have it or not have it. Hope is not controlled by anyone else's actions.

Just bumming out these past 48hrs, thinking what could have been done differently> Is DB done for me? What else is there to do. I know it's not over until the ink is dry but I'm so lost right now.

25 posts a statistic sometimes about divorces filed in CA. If I remember right 50% of them never follow through. We don't know if they recon or what as there's no statistics on it, but the point is filing is just one of many steps towards D.

When W initially left she said divorce meant nothing to her and that she would wait a year to decide if that's what she truly wanted. Wondering why the sudden change from her? I cant think of what i could have done on my part to push her over the edge per say.

I can't help wonder if your argument with her about D had something to do with it. You can't keep W from taking D to the in-laws, nor should you try and it just makes you look controlling.

When i speak of my sitch to people IRL they give me advice to move on, still young and that i can find someone else. All this is soooo easy to say, but i cannot fathom it.

Read the first chapter of DB. Michele explains why people do this, and why it's wrong.

This feeling of being an LBS is one of the saddest things one can go through. Still, its a fresh wound and I don't see the other side yet, hoping that with time this will begin to heal and i can be the best ME again.

Yeah it is terrible to go through and it is impossible to see the other side when you're in the middle of it. Just take a day at a time! Don't borrow worries from tomorrow!

[Newly20]

AS, yeah maybe the fact that I didn t agree to let my daughter go To in laws when she asked on Wednesday led her to file out of anger on Thursday..I won t ever know but it is a possibility. But as per Db I cant read into what she is thinking.

I validated when she told me she had already filed, and although you say I should not help the process it s a rather easy split. When we separated she took half the finances and she is only asking for a car to be put in her name. I don t know what I could do to possibly delay this divorce, in our state it will only take 6 months to finalize.

I have seen 25 post the statistic somewhere else, but again, at this point what could be done to change the outcome. How can this be prolonged, what can be done for W to want to drop the case.

[Newly20]

AS

Even though i validated on the divorce situation, you mentioned that she will not feel pressured and wont feel like she needs to push it through. At this point, she has already filed so its only a matter of time, 6 months to be exact. Is there anything i should try to be doing to slow it down??

I have read the stats posted by 25 somewhere on these forums but going back to the same thing, what's there to do for her to get out of the fog.

At times i myself wonder if me not letting D3 go to the inlaws caused anger in W which pushed her to file, but again this is just speculation and according to Db its a big no no.

At this point i still plan on being as dark/NC as possible, I don't think i will change anything as far as trying to interact with her. I don't know if this is the correct thing to do or not, but i fear that if i start being extra friendly now she will see it as a big change only because I was served with D papers.

I'd appreciate any insight from you guys on how to move forward with this.

[RR17]

Newly, I have just seen your thread for the first time an hope to offer some insight. I am by no means a vet but know how important feedback can be.

I continually hear you waffling on persuing W. Don't do it. When things a strained (I know that seems like an understatement at this point) and thing chased is going to run. Pull away and eventually you will be pursued.

Something to think about is working on yourself. Taking care of your self. Not working on your R. Not reading 5LL at this time. Becoming okay with being single. No this doesn't mean you're are accepting that it will never get any better.
You are preparing yourself for whatever may happen and you are showing W that you are moving on with or without her.

Most Ws notice. Some take a long time.

Use the D handoff to demonstrate this. That you are going to be just fine.

Be prepared at some point W may temp-take. Read up on this. You don't want to fall for it.
Trust me I moved past one EA without proper reconciliation only to find myself here.

I know it hurts. I know as men we want to do something to fix it.

You are doing something. You are regaining autonomy and becoming a better you.

[Newly20]

RR, i appreciate your response. I dont feel as if i have been pursuing her, i did have the 2 slip ups I mentioned and that was it. Perhaps me talking to MIL to see if there was anything had been said by W is a huge form of pursuit...and now that i sit back and think about it its a very desperate attempt. Big downer on my part. Oh well i need to learn from this one.

I feel as if the text conversation we had was a form of temp-checking. She said a lot about what she felt i was doing wrong per say, i feel in an attempt for me to wag my tail and make her think otherwise. Or at least for her to feel power over me. Next time i will keep responses short, i have read over and over in others situations and yet i still fell for the bait and poured my heart out basically.

[AnotherStander]

Is there anything i should try to be doing to slow it down??

The advice on this is not to try to impede the process. Don't help it either, let the WAS take care of it. If she asks you for information then provide it, but don't do the legwork yourself.

I understand the prospect of D is very upsetting, but it's not a watershed moment that means you've crossed into the "we will never reconcile" zone. I personally know several couples that reconciled after long periods of separation and even two couple that remarried after being divorced for years. It doesn't close the door on anything.

The process varies from state-to-state, I assume the 6 months you mentioned is your state's cooling off period? Have you already filed a response to the D? Do you agree on all the terms?

I have read the stats posted by 25 somewhere on these forums but going back to the same thing, what's there to do for her to get out of the fog.

I know it's frustrating because you WANT to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING! But the best thing you can do right now is give her time and space. She's on her own journey and will come out of the fog on her schedule. I used to tell people it's like she's starting a marathon and you want to drive up next to her and throw the door open and tell her to hop in so you can take her to the finish line. But if you did that, it would completely defeat the reason for her running the marathon to begin with.

At this point i still plan on being as dark/NC as possible, I don't think i will change anything as far as trying to interact with her. I don't know if this is the correct thing to do or not, but i fear that if i start being extra friendly now she will see it as a big change only because I was served with D papers.

Yeah I think staying dim or dark is the best course of action. That doesn't mean to be cold/ rude/ indifferent, it just means focus on you and leave her alone. No pursuit.

[RR17]

I agree with everything Anotherstander has said above. Stay dim. Use your limited interaction to show her that you aren't just surviving, you are doing just fine. Maybe even better than ever.

You can't shake the fog intentional and have it stick. But you can do things for your own mental well being that might just shake thing up a bit. Don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed. Much of this is beyond your control.

That said you can handle your end in the best way possible. BTW, we all slip or screw up. Just move on and don't do it again. Do not pursue her through her parents.