WAW? Would Love Opinions. Part 14

[Ginger1]

Never date for the reason of "unfriendzoning" you wife.

Dating to make other's jealous IMHO is cruel to the other party involved.

Do what you want that doesn't involve someone else. not fair to those you might date.

Sure, you can date, but if your heart isn't in it and you TRULY haven't moved on from trying to make something happen, she will see it.

keep your responses to her brief and not-immediate. That's the best you can do right now. If you truly wish to keep it just to coparenting, then tell her just as much. If that is what you need to heal then you aren't being a d!ck. If you are playing games to unfriendzone yourself, well, that is a little d!cky to me.

Do what feels right to you.

[InFocus]

Try this, blow off her texts for a bit, say two or three weeks go no contact. Just don't respond to them. If she comes scrambling back, then you need to set some barriers there and make it harder. You have to make the contrast from married to divorce stark and definite. That's how you heal and that's how they can think about it.

[Vanilla]

Exactly as Ginger says.

This is just cruddy on several grounds, it misleads a date.

It looks terrible in every way and basically won't work. Totally transparent as a tactic.

It will make you feel awful in your own eyes.

I want to say grow up and be an adult. So I am going to say it.

Instead use LRT.

V

[Vanilla]

Try this, blow off her texts for a bit, say two or three weeks go no contact. Just don't respond to them. If she comes scrambling back, then you need to set some barriers there and make it harder. You have to make the contrast from married to divorce stark and definite. That's how you heal and that's how they can think about it.

Go NC not to punish but to protect yourself.

Not as a vindictive punishing measure but as a dignified tactic to get peace and space.

V

[Maika]

I think if dating is not on the cards for you at the moment because it doesn't feel authentic and you're worried you might end up using someone for other needs, then don't do it until you're ready.

But, I would most definitely pull back from what I see are just husband type activities. If you need to vocalize that, then LH gave a great script for you to start with and customize it based on what you feel is comfortable for you. I sometimes worry that you're so focused on being strong and grounded and you are doing things for W because it doesn't faze you, you might be cutting yourself at the knees to fully heal from this.

Hang back. She wants an opinion on something for her new place, she can go to Home Depot and talk to someone about her options.

[TBSakaJ9]

Thanks all, not ready to date yet and I agree with the general stance everyone has taken. I just used that as an example of what I could do to that would indicate I have moved on.

Once she gets settled in her Townhouse and all of the remaining financial and insurance is split there really should be no reason for us to have any additional communication outside of the kids.

I don't want to come across as being a D!ck so I will just pull back even more and keep my responses brief. I already feel that I am pretty dark as I never send her any pictures of me, reach out and just ask how she is doing or initiate anything other than stuff which is strictly business. She is the one that initiates more personal stuff or starts the joking around. I do play back with her though so I could probably stop that as well.

I don't think I need her to stop so I can heal but it doesn't help me move on completely when she tries to pull me back into her personal space whether it is intentional on her part or not. I think she does it out of habit as I have been her default for questions for 17 years.

I do agree I will have to say something if it just doesn't stop on it's own. Right after our D was final I did tell her that once she got into her Townhome and the girls were situated that I will not be the maintenance/question man as I will consider my mission accomplished and it is time for me to move forward. She just looked at me and didn't say a word.

[Vanilla]

J9

You know you are very special and I speak from experience in this, there is a phase which is just about to start which is called post traumatic growth.

Not all posters here experience this partly because they start to date or they piece. But I see all the markers that you will do so and I would like you to have that joy and shift.

When you are ready please Google post traumatic growth and look for youtube videos on Superbetter and Jane McGonigal (including the one on games which I watch almost every month). I joined the superbetter website (about recovery from trauma) and the experience I had in structuring my life and healing was phenomenal.


Personally, I sense you are ready to shift.

V

[AnotherStander]

I have noticed that I am still the first person she calls for a question or when she needs something. I don't know if that is enabling or part of keeping the light on. At times I feel that we are not D'd even though we are. At times I feel like we are still together in this weird sort of dynamic she has her own place and I have mine but I feel like she would want to hang out, date without the stigma/pressure of being married.

I could be totally off base and I have not shared these feelings with anyone else but the board. I mean we interact almost every single day and it just doesn't seem normal for a couple that just got D'd. That I can sit across the table from my EW and feel absolutely normal, be in the same room and toast her on the purchase of her new townhome is hard for me to process.

There's nothing like D to remove all pressure from the WAS, I think both because they feel like they're finally out of the cage but also because the LBS finally quits pursuit after D. So sometimes the WAS feels more comfortable around the LBS, they don't feel like they need their guard up all the time. But don't let this confuse you, it does NOT mean she wants to date you or has any interest in recon. It just means that as far as she's concerned the "war" is over and you're establishing a truce.

Then I think about "friend zone" and maybe that is where I am at. Not by choice but it just happened. Is that a bad thing? If at some point in the future a new R is possible is friend zone something that needs to happen?

I think you need time to heal before going in the friend zone with her. I agree with the others that maybe what is best for you right now is to pull back and create some space. I'm not saying be cold/ rude/ indifferent but right now you should see and communicate with her as little as possible. Eventually when you heal, then maybe you can explore the friend zone more. I will say my ex and I are pretty friendly, I see her once or twice a week and get a text from her almost every day, mostly about S15 (assignments due and such) but sometimes more "friendly" stuff. She asks me for favors (carrying stuff into her attic, cutting branches off trees, fixing her dryer, etc.) Sometimes we'll have dinner together with the kids if the girls are in town, and we still do the kids birthdays together. The key is I can do all of this without it impacting me emotionally. It doesn't make me pine away for the "good old days" or make me wonder if she wants to get back together, or want to go out on a date with her or anything of the sort. I think that's what you need to strive for, if you can be in the friend zone without it affecting you then go for it. I don't think you're there yet though, it'll probably take a few months of recovery before you're ready for that.

[TBSakaJ9]

V....I appreciate it, I will check them out tonight when I get home from work. I'll keep you posted.

AS...I just have to remember what you wrote, it doesn't mean a thing. She just called me 5 minutes ago to let me know she was buying a new cell phone and to ask if we should get a new ipad since they are $200 off. I didn't realize that this was a joint decision We hung up and she texted me 5 min later to tell me she was getting 25% off her data plan because of where she worked. Geez.....

I think your right AS......I thought my mind was right for it but I don't think I am. I feel like it's a sports injury and I tried to play too soon and I re-injured myself. I just have to remind myself if I am not ready don't do it and if she reaches out to remind myself it doesn't mean a thing. I will practice pulling back way more and if I have to I will just be really honest with her about me needing more time and space.

I can be in her presence and not be impacted emotionally but when you add the phone calls/text messages on top of it I will admit it makes my mind spin a little bit.

[rexgm]

J,

Next time you are together and alone and if she is close, you can just pull her close and see how she reacts to it, and if its good just plant one on her. If she rejects it dont take it personally, but it lets you know exactly where you stand. From my pov all the texts and calls seem like she wants to start something but wants you to make the first move. Not necessarily a relationship but just some lovin. You said that you were never able to find proof of another man, and if thats the case, that is a long time that she hasnt had any intimacy. Women love intimacy just as much as men. Important question is can you make the first move and not read too much into it...

Women always like a man who makes the first move.