If you can't let it go, then play it out -- let's pretend that you snoop in her email and phone records and hire a private detective to follow her around and you discover that this IS an OM.
Now what?
What are you going to do or say?
How does that change your situation?
How is that going to make you feel?
How are you likely to react?
Why do you want to go there?
I 100% guarantee you that she did not leave you for another man. Sometimes women leave *and* there is another man, but on this board, 100% of the time an OM has been a symptom and a red herring, and not a cause.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Patience, letting go which for me is my faith in God's will is so so hard...
W's bday was last week. Sent her a happy bday nothing more and she thanked me. So weird/sad/surreal that I did not see her, do or get her anything on her day. Such an unnatural feeling, literally like our relationship has died as quickly and as certainly as flipping the switch on a light.
Went out with friends and had a great time yesterday. I noticed several attractive ladies and found myself thinking "if D happens I will find someone else" but then found myself being ashamed and dealing with some guilt for having had such thoughts. I really would love to be able to work with my W to make a new M we could both be happy and so having such thoughts...I know its crazy, but they made me feel like I was jinxing my chances. Appreciate that here I can at share.
Right now she seems to certain in her belief we'd be better as friends. Long time to go and I know this looking over my shoulder is wrong, but it's tough to believe that with my detaching she'll have a change of heart. Course I've never done what feels so completely counter intuitive before either. Just worry that with each day that passes she'll just forget me as a detach and don't push her.
One day at a time I guess. Keep my eye on me, be strong, have faith and hope.
ballast, you are still focusing too much on her. detachment would either bring her around or it will not. that is something you have no control over. Detaching is to get you ready for whatever she finally decides. Either way you'll be alright.
What you also need to remind yourself of is that not detaching hasn't kept her from getting to place she is at right now, has it? So your choice is doing what you've always done with bad results, or detach and give her the chance to work her way back.
Neither guarantees anything. But the latter gives you the best chance for the outcome you desire.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ballast, What Steve said is so true. I will add that you should check yourself for Control issues.
If you let her go she will forget you? Hmm?
I doubt it. If anything you might get her attention. Especially if this is the opposite of what has happened in the past. In my personal experience, it reduces the pressure for S. This in its self, changes the dynamic.
Either way, it will help you.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
it's tough to believe that with my detaching she'll have a change of heart. Course I've never done what feels so completely counter intuitive before either. Just worry that with each day that passes she'll just forget me as a detach and don't push her.
One day at a time I guess. Keep my eye on me, be strong, have faith and hope.
Is it tough to believe, or do you not *want* to believe it?
There's a significant difference there.
The biggest problem for most people in this scenario is the feeling that you've lost control over your life and your future.
For years you've lived by a certain set of rules -- that if you're a good husband, you can count on your wife supporting you.
Because you're married, your relationship is a source of stability in your life.
etc. etc.
When that's suddenly ripped away and you can't understand (a) what you did to make it fall apart so suddenly, (b) why the person who used to be your partner seems to have had a complete personality change and (c) why you can't seem to do anything to make it better, it is totally destabilizing.
Your brain doesn't like this instability, and it doesn't like the unavailability of a remedy at all! Its panic-inducing.
Because of this lack of control and the fear that comes with it, you desperately, desperately want to regain your feeling of control and stability.
Your brain convinces you that the quickest way to do that is to get your wayward spouse back. If you can do that, then all the old rules still apply and there was just a temporary blip on the radar.
As a result, your brain will *compel* you to want to pursue, and everything else is a justification to allow you to do what you want.
Step back and look at some of these situations -- a person's wife cheats on them for years with several OM's. If that comes to light, a rational person would say "this woman has issues" and head the other way right? But in reality, we see time and again that the LBS convinces themselves that this cheater is the best person in the world, and they want to have them back more than anything.
WHY? Because the loss of control is devastating. The loss of control is something our brains can't process or tolerate.
If you see this in yourself, that you have lost your feeling of control, then you can come to the conclusion that this is what you need to deal with, not what your wife does or doesn't do.
What can restore that sense of control?
1) Set goals for yourself and hit them. (Get in shape, do an improvement project around the house, learn to play an instrument)
2) Interact with others. Volunteer, join a club, a little positive validation from other humans will do wonders
3) Talk to a therapist or a DB coach. You have a lot of feelings to work through, keep walking the road.
The number one challenge people have on DB is that they WANT to pursue because they want their control back, so despite knowing they shouldn't, they invent viable excuses to justify it to themselves and then do it anyway.
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray...definitely appreciate your counsel. Loss control of life and future. Yep that, that gnawing, pending, jury is gonna be out a long while that uncertainty you carry from the time you wake up til you go to sleep. So I do accept the logic of it...I mean keep pursuing and beat my head into a wall...nope, done with that. She'll either want to try again or we'll divorce. Outwardly she's a firm woman once she makes up her mind. Ring came off soon after she left. Will me going the other way effect a woman like this, is there a chance in H she might feel differently alone with her feelings somewhere down the road. Guess time will tell.
She contacted me today. Stuff about our daughter, bills, the usual. I stayed calm, no R talk at all, had a laugh, no expectations. I felt it was great for us to maintain a sense of connection. I stress connection as I feel it must exist if there's ever a chance she comes back and asked about R. I guess every LBS feels the same way "ain't gonna work on my W". And I'm sure even the seemingly most resolute of WAS change their mind. For me it's just unused logic on a strongly opinionated woman. It will be interesting.
As for self-control already doing well at the gym, sleeping good as well as a result and have been getting IC for some time now. Counselor believes that if she does ever want to talk, I'll be so far recovered I may not want to consider R. Again time will tell.
Appreciate you hanging with me! Your words/logic/kicks in the A work on me and get me straight.
Will me going the other way effect a woman like this, is there a chance in H she might feel differently alone with her feelings somewhere down the road. Guess time will tell.
Going the other way is the *only* thing that may effect a woman like that.
I often tell people, the shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction.
The very best path is the minute your partner says they want out you smile, say "good luck with that", hand them a box of their stuff, and go live a kick-@ss life of your own.
In that case, they have to spend zero time focused on getting away with you and can right away shift into wondering where you've gone. That's what you want.
In terms of her feeling differently -- when you first met she didn't instantly want to marry you, then you got married and she didn't want to leave you, then at some point she did want to leave you. She was stubborn the whole time, made three decisions there and changed her feelings about the first two. That should prove to you that her feelings do change, and despite how she feels now, or what she says now, she may feel and do completely different things in the future. You have hard evidence of that.
Originally Posted By: ballast
Counselor believes that if she does ever want to talk, I'll be so far recovered I may not want to consider R
Your counselor is 100% correct. I would put money on that. In fact, that is the way you need it to be. If she comes back to you, it needs to be with conditions that you stipulate. She needs to be willing to do the work to regain your trust. If she can just waltz back in whenever she wants, she'll have no motivation to want to do that work, and you will need her to.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
