Your counselor is 100% correct. I would put money on that. In fact, that is the way you need it to be. If she comes back to you, it needs to be with conditions that you stipulate. She needs to be willing to do the work to regain your trust. If she can just waltz back in whenever she wants, she'll have no motivation to want to do that work, and you will need her to.
Acc
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ this. printing this one.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
"the shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction." That is the bottom line right there.
Also appreciate you clearly showing me hard evidence of her ability to change her feelings.
I'm doing a good job validating, zero pursuit. I think I'm getting temp checked already. Sometimes it's her wanting emotional support which is weird as I mean hey didn't you leave me? and then other times it's more "fight words" to try and provoke me. I'm keeping my emotions in check, not getting drawn by her words and I'm getting stronger/smarter each day that passes. Might be that she senses I'm getting that way and as she is not that's why I feel like I'm starting to get checked.
As always appreciate your comments! Clear straight logic that makes perfect sense to me!
So this will sound like a dumb question/request, but are there any tips/signs on recognizing when the "dance" of pursuit from WAS to LBS has started? I've been zero pursuit of my W for a month now, kinda thought nothing was happening with it, but today I've gotten both an unusually happy text from her and then several hours later a more random out of the blue, almost like she just wanted to chat with me text. They seemed so out of her ordinary way of operating that they stood out, but I was like "nah, that can't be her starting to poke around at me...can it?"
Acc...appreciate you trying to reply even though your posts got dropped. Would love to hear what you have to say!
Rough day...have to take my daughter back to my W. She never has to know the feeling of living on the clock so to speak and bringing our D back to me once time's up at the weekend. Feel so angry for the destruction of our lives as we knew as a family. Was it so completely terrible that you could just simply walk away. Do you feel the same pains of misery that I do over this? There's enough anger to me about this that I honestly find I don't give a SHOOT anymore. Maybe it is absolutely the best thing to just walk from you just as you walked from me. Forget us, end us, done, good riddance.
Venting as a I go. Accuray looking for your words brother they keep me grounded through my times like this.
So this will sound like a dumb question/request, but are there any tips/signs on recognizing when the "dance" of pursuit from WAS to LBS has started? I've been zero pursuit of my W for a month now, kinda thought nothing was happening with it, but today I've gotten both an unusually happy text from her and then several hours later a more random out of the blue, almost like she just wanted to chat with me text. They seemed so out of her ordinary way of operating that they stood out, but I was like "nah, that can't be her starting to poke around at me...can it?"
The problem is the LBS will interpret actions like this as pursuit when really its just temp checking and manipulation. When you start to detach well then you'll see that the WAS will not like the feeling of losing control. So they'll start to do these tactics to reattach the LBS.
The answer is that when the WAS is ready to come back and agree to stipulations and work they need to do abd remain consistent over an extended period of time, then you'll know. But not until.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve...appreciate the comment...yeah I mean I was barely even thinking this was anything much less pursuit, but they just weren't her normal. Was more asking so I have a clue about what MIGHT happen over time.
Dropping off my D though..honestly I see my caring to R going down all the time. To drive away and see D waving to me out the window...the pain of that alone is enough to make me say the H with this and just quit. I HATE her right now and we're only like 2 months apart. Even if someday she has this magic change of heart, probably won't even be much left of my feelings for her to care. I will never absolve myself from things I could have done better, but she LEFT not me. Took a vow, but at the first tough spot, just took off. She can own that entirely for the rest of her life.
Best part at least I can just keeping GAL and get stronger. If the pursuit comes...gonna have to be from her cuz I ain't doing a thing towards her. And to end this vent, I do love her so! Bad things happen to good people.
So I've been a doormat to my W throughout our M. Always doing what I could to please her, make her happy while at the same time losing her respect as a result. From being here I've learned the need to stand up for myself. Well last night we fought. She had asked me to bring a particular pair of tights for my D and I grabbed the wrong ones. She chatted back to give a completely different desc of what they were. I found them, but said the desc given was not accurate to which she replied "that caused you a problem huh?". Then she got mad when I simply told her what she said they looked like, was not actually the case. Then called me an A-whole. At that point I'd had enough, said I was not acting that way and that I was tired of her abuse when I'm just trying to be helpful. She chatted on a bit to say this stuff will all resolve over time. I did not reply further, just let it be.
I feel as though I HAD to step up, check her behavior and tell her that it was not acceptable. I've NEVER done that before and I know that staying a doormat just removes any chance of her maybe rebuilding respect and attraction for me in the future. BUT at the same time being a pleaser and having NGS, I'm so worried that with having angered her that I've destroyed any chance of R with her. After she gets off of her shift she will come by to pick them up and I REALLY need some guidance on how to handle it. Obviously I'll try to stay calm, collected, etc. REALLY would appreciate anyone's comments/thoughts on this.
I don't want to be a doormat anymore. But if not being a doormat means losing my marriage then I'll go back to being a doormat.
Which is it? I think you are right to stand up for yourself. Your W will respect you for it whether you stay together or not. you really need to shift your goal here. Your goal shouldn't be trying to do whatever it is that will save your M. In fact, having that goal likely will result in ultimate D.
Your goal should be to be the best, most healthy you that you can be. Your W might see that, respect that, and want to R. Or she might see that, respect that but still want to D. You have no control over her. However, I can guarantee you this: being a doormat got you to where you are at, and continuing to be one will cause you to continue down that path. This is where you 180, man up, DEMAND respect, and let the chips fall where they may.
Another guy I read, get emails from, and watch his videos makes the analogy of dealing with horses. Horses are interesting because they can sense fear and hesitation, and they will use that to their full advantage. If you command respect, project strength, then they will realize they can't get away with shenanigans. I've always thought it was perfect since WAWs/WWs can see through our efforts if our real goal is to manipulate them. So don't make that your goal.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
