Okay, here it is a new thread. I've been here so long that my original posts are not longer even viable. Now to be fair about it all, I took like 8 or 9 years off in there before coming back a few years ago.
Some people like to pick song titles or sayings for their subjects. I'm more matter of fact and to the point - which for this time around, is because later this year I'll be divorced for 12 years - about the same amount of time I knew, dated and was with my exW. Wow 12 years. That's like a child going through grade school and hitting their high school graduation. Why is it that my D seems like only a few years ago but going through grade and high school seems like it took five times longer - at least?
Anyhow, I had laid out some thoughts about why I don't date more when my last thread got full. Those who have been waiting to post - and I just know some of you have just been chomping at the bit, waiting for me to open a knew threat, LOL - here it is. If you need a refresher, click the link above.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
1. I am beyond comfortable being by myself - in fact I often prefer it. Now I love to be with people as well. So it's not like I'm a recluse trying to avoid the world or anything but I really, truly am great with being alone. So that right there doesn't push me.
You like being on your own better than being with others.
2. Just in life in general I'm rather picky. I think I've said before how about half the people I meet I have zero interest in even having a conversation with. I just don't. Another 40% is okay to do things with and I have fun with some of them but it's only the last 10% who I really, truly connect with. I have a large diversity of friends from all walks of life but only 10% do I really click with. It's the same with attraction for dating - frankly, most people I meet I'm just not interested in.
No woman in the world will ever be good enough.
3. I don't think I come off as open. That's something I've been working more on. I just think though that if you asked people who know me, they would not think I'm open to a GF or an R.
You aren't looking and everyone knows that.
4. I just really deep down don't want a full on R. Now, that said, if I met the right person that would likely change. But the "right person" would be more like me - just looking for something to do things with. Someone looking for their soulmate (at my age) or looking to get married - nope just not me anymore.
There is no point anyway.
5. The times at least recently that I have been interested, either the other person is not, she lives too far away or I find out, sometimes rather quickly, she's not for me. I can't tell you how many I've asked out in the last 5 years not only do not want to date me - they have not dated ANYONE.
The only women I approach aren't interested either.
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So quit. You don't have to date.
V
Last edited by job; 04/18/1803:09 PM. Reason: edited a word
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Just got off the phone with a friend of mine. I've spoken here about her before. We've known each other for over 30 years. She's hell bent on finding me a GF, but in a good, sane, tempered way. She just doesn't listen all that well and thinks I want for me what she wants for me. She even told me how she was talking to another mutual friend about how Don really wants a relationship. And I'm like whoa, whoa, whoa girl, YOU may want that for me. I'm more just looking for someone to do things with and if it grows from there, that's fine.
Anyhow, now that she's been sort of keeping her eye out for a few years now, and has introduced me to several friends, she's now seeing what I've been trying to tell her about how hard dating at this age is. She even told her husband how she is so glad she is married because she would not at all want to be out there and dating.
She first informed me of one of the cruise list girls. We both knew this lady had been struggling in her life for a while years ago. I was concerned right away (as I often am) while she was hopeful she had changed. Thing is, people rarely change. They are who they are. They will alter a bit but who this gal was when I last knew her well, 25 years ago, is who she apparently still is. Anyhow said girl's mother even commented to this friend that I should stay clear or at least be careful. "Don is way too nice and way too normal for [daughter]." And that's from HER MOTHER! I guess family has even given up on her love life. There is more to it but I won't air her dirty laundry. Sad.
Friend then moves on to tell me about her cousin who has been D'd for a few years. She ran into her and asked her if she is ready to date yet. The women says that she actually is. Friend says, well what are you looking for, I may know someone to introduce you to. What came out shocked my friend but seems to have really turned on the light bulb for her. Among her cousin's list was 1) Tall, 2) must love cats, 3) has to like Oreo cookies. At this point, she stopped her and said Oreo cookies, HUH? What about personality, believes, interests. Oh that is important too but liking country music and certain types of food (beyond Oreos) evidently was higher on her list. "She's nuts" says my friend so I won't even bother.
Not a lot of response to my last posts - which really is okay. I did want to at least comment for those who did: V - I'm not sure if that was a Bull [censored] translator or a black and white translation. The world is just not black and white. Maika, that's the thing, I'm ANYTHING but depressed. I at least think I went through depression about 10 years ago - in fact I'm pretty confident I did and this is not even close. I'm very happy with my life. I really am. If I was not, I'd change things. I get up everyday and go to bed every night really happy. I exhibit none or close to none of the depression warning signs. I'm confident I'm not depressed. Have I given up on finding a normal woman that I'm also interested in and is interested in me - yes I very well may have, but that doesn't make me depressed, that I'm sure of. I've not even totally given up, but I have certainly partially given up and am very less hopeful - in that you are correct.
Other than that, I had a great weekend with lots of fun and lots of people. Starting to get into a busier music time now with lots of things planned including a few dates. My now and then FWB appears to have broken up with her BF so, um, well do with that what you will but it's usually good news for me.
And I updated here after only 3 weeks. That's pretty good for me as well. I'm going to have a snack now. I bought some Oreos when I went shopping early today [sarcasm]
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Must Like Oreos - lolol! What a criterion. But perhaps what she means is - must like junk food and not complain about my unhealthy eating habits.
I took a peek online the other night but decided to shut my profile down again - I'm just to busy right now to engage in the whole process required. Maybe at the end of summer when I come back from a brief East Coast tour with my friend's band.
But I did notice a few things. It had been five years since I'd been active so my profile was pretty out of date - had to update it. And change my age ranges to comport with the change in my own age. And that definitely cut down on the guys available.
I'd love to meet eligible men more organically but there's nothing about my life right now that is conducive to that - in fact, I've only met one date that way since my divorce, and that was the guy who picked me up when I was shopping in Big Lots. So I guess when I am really ready I'll have to dive back into the online dating world.
As for your Friend With Benefits - is there some reason why SHE isn't girlfriend material, now that she's single again? Or at least take-on-the-cruise material?
Wow! Look at this... I actually have something worth posting about!!!
This will likely make more sense to those of you who have some prior knowledge of me, my life and my threads here. D'd for 12 years and have not really had much luck dating. Gave up with On Line Dating (OLD) a few years ago and while I've met and dated like a half dozen ladies in the last year and perhaps a dozen in the last two years, there really has only been one who I hit it off with, who checked many of my boxes and who I really had interest in. Of course, life had other plans as she lives 10 hours away and more recently has moved to Florida - I'm in Wisconsin. Everyone else I meet, I just don't feel much of anything. In fact, I was texting with someone on Friday as I was heading out for a weekend event and band gig. We may get together for a third try but I just don't feel it with her.
Anyhow, so, I've nearly just figured I won't get "that feeling" most people. I don't even know why. I don't try NOT to, I just feel how I feel. So enter someone I met a year ago, at this same event. I've known her aunt for many years and in the last year have gotten to know her parents. She and I have texted now and then but it just never took off. So, Friday evening I see her parents and with their teen (15 and 17) granddaughters, who ended up to be her daughters. I went over and asked where she was and was told she'd be there on Saturday. I have no doubt mom quickly texted or called her saying I was looking for her. Evidently, mom and dad just love me. It's hard to explain. I'm no "star" by anymeans, but I am known locally for my muscial talents with a variety of bands. I don't get it as I'm just me, but to some of the people that come to hear us, it's a bigger deal.
So let me try to cut to the chase here, she shows up on Saturday but I'm on stage so I really don't get too much of a chance to chat. We were done in the afternoon and I had the evening to hang out and what happens but they disappear. I'm like C'mon, really? So I text her and she quickly invites me to join them at the pizza place they are at. So I proceed to have a first date with her, her two daughters, her parents, her brother, her sister-in-law, and her best friend since kindergarten. SERIOUSLY! Okay, I mean it wasn't really a "date" but it makes for a better story that way.
She's fun, I still don't know her too well, but I don't think she checks my boxes like others, yet, I really, have a great feeling. Now, not for the future, not for like anything other than today. It amazes me how this happens. If I get a text, I'm all smiles. That doesn't happen with many of the others. Last night we were talking on the phone after everyone went to bed - they are all still out camping on a family extended weekend. The call later turned to text and then all of a sudden radio silence. I'm like Huh?????? I figured she fell asleep but even so, this AM, I'm like, did I say something? Overthinking - ALREADY.
Am I pulling all of this together that it makes sense? I hope so, because I'm still in control of myself here but it's amazing how simple it is to give others here advice but to follow it myself... that gets tougher. I was just telling Ginger this offline (since she saw pictures of her and I from the weekend on Facebook). She's in the same boat with a brand new guy. So I like it but at the same time, I really don't like it! Does that make any sense? I have a sense she went through some abuse with her ex - she's divorced for 9 years. I get a feeling she has some issues. She's not typical of someone I'd go for in many ways but still, I feel sooooooo comfortable.
Life is soooooooo weird. I really hope I portrayed this like it's in my head as I think it's such an interesting case study in life. Why do things fit with one person but not another? Why can I date 5 women and not really be excited to hear from them or excited for the next date, yet with someone else, it's all there. I guess that's why they call it chemistry! I can say, I'm much happier being able to give everyone a report like this than the same, old, same old, I just have no interest in anyone or as V put it, no one is good enough, I'd rather be on my own, etc. Of course, the real challenge is going to come after a date or two/ Let's see if I can sustain these feelings through that. At least I don't have to worry about meeting her parents. On the other hand, I'm betting she's been asked several times today already, "Have you heard from Don?"
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Haha, great update, you did pull it all together. It's a great feeling, I also don't understand it, but I do enjoy it for what it is... Sometimes it's just nice to feel like a teenager in lust
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Now about those boxes - are the ones she doesn't check deal breakers? Or just minor wishes? As long as she's not a trainwreck (some of you guys can't resist a hot mess) then go for it - but don't push too hard too soon, it's off putting.
I'll post about that now on my thread in follow up to my wine date with caterpillar mustache man.
I know caution is in order kml but we are encouraging Andrew to let go and have these lusty feelings. It's shift for Andrew as he hasn't been skittish.
I think it's great and a corner turned. Yeah, Andrew has passion for a lady he likes. As I said to the wonderful GreenGrass you only need one who likes you back.
This seems mutual to me. Cutie clearly likes Andrew too.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
