BH - Things are peaceful and calm.....not much going on. I had the girls last week so the week was filled with the school routine and evening soccer practices, Saturday we had games in the morning and then a birthday party to attend in the afternoon, yesterday was church, a math assessment for my oldest, soccer practice and then the girls had choir at night. The EW picked them up around 6:30 last night.
My youngest has soccer try outs tonight for a new team so I am going to attend, Wed night meeting my neighbor out after work, Thursday night my oldest has soccer practice and I am not sure what I am doing this weekend.
Tuesday night my oldest turns 9 so we are having a family birthday party at a local Italian restaurant. Some close family friends, me and the EW and our youngest.
Other than that I got nothing else.....still hitting the gym 6 days a week but haven't started dating yet. Part of me is interested but there is also a part of me that is not. So I am just doing my thing and just taking care of myself. Still heavily involved with my girls even on my off weeks as well (assistant coach on my oldests soccer team) so I keep myself pretty busy.
EW closes on her townhome tomorrow. I got a letter in the mail on Saturday indicating that my QDRO was accepted so the 401k split will begin and the EW still does not have her insurance set up yet with her employer so that is still in the works. My first new mortgage payment kicks in tomorrow and I have not yet started paying child support. EW has indicated that she is fine waiting until all the other financial stuff gets squared away.
We are very cordial and polite to one another. All conversation is surface level type stuff, finance related or coordinating stuff with the kids. Part of me is still trying to feel out how this whole co-parenting R is going to work so that part is a work in progress. She jokes around with me, will make references to jokes that we made with each other while MR. Sometimes I get the feeling she is trying to figure me out and determine what she can and can't say or do? It's hard to describe. I will joke back with her and in a weird sort of way at times it feels like she is building the attraction back. Sometimes I just think it's weird and I get this unspoken attraction vibe, mostly in the emails she sends. Again, hard to describe and I could be totally off base. Then other times she is very clear that we are not together any more. Not in a disrespectful manner just in general...for example, my D's birthday and presents coming from mommy and presents from daddy.
Anyway, with all that said. I just keep moving forward and fight off any urges I have to take the bait and inquire deeper when I get these vibes or feelings. I mean we are D'd you know??? I know I am not mentally out of the woods yet and I have still felt periods of sadness and loss. I know everyone said I was a perfect Dber but I am not a machine . I am not concerned about myself, my life, finding happiness again, etc. There have been periods on anger as well but I process those and move on.
I guess to summarize I am doing great but still find myself processing the emotions of my D. The feelings are not overwhelming feelings just every now and then something will pop up if that makes sense.
Thank you J9 I for one look forward to your updates. I really admire your strength throughout this ordeal. I hope soon you find the happiness we are all looking for...
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
Thanks guys.....BH I am glad my updates are helpful and useful to you. Nef....the light is on.
So a bit of journaling.....hopefully it doesn't turn into rambling
We had my oldests birthday party last night and it was a really good time. Sat across the table from my EW and everything felt absolutely normal. She closed on her new townhome yesterday so I told her "congratulations" and I toasted the table. I poured her a glass of wine, we chatted, joked around essentially like nothing had changed. At one point she asked me if I wanted extra tomatoes on my salad (I hate tomatoes) and I laughed and said "come on, you know better than that". These are the types of jokes she makes. You also made some smart ass remark about something I said as well and I quickly shot her a look and looked at me and said "sorry".
Fast forward to this morning and she texts me at 6:30 am asking me a question about a gift that we got my D got. I was at the gym and didn't respond until 30 minutes later. She then called and asked if she could come by the house and pick up the ladder. I told her no problem, that I had just got out of the shower and I would throw a pair of shorts on and meet her in the garage.
So shirtless J9 helped her load up the ladder and would stood in the driveway for 10 minutes or so chatting about the party. We stood fairly close to each other and she didn't seem to be in a hurry to leave. She also didn't make a move or suggest anything and I wasn't about to break rank. She "Thanked me" for suggesting that she take the day of today so she could move some stuff in her new place. She never commented about how I looked, I didn't expect her to but I can tell you on the inside I felt very confident, strong and when she left I just thought to myself this is what you left, you are such a fool.
I have noticed that I am still the first person she calls for a question or when she needs something. I don't know if that is enabling or part of keeping the light on. At times I feel that we are not D'd even though we are. At times I feel like we are still together in this weird sort of dynamic she has her own place and I have mine but I feel like she would want to hang out, date without the stigma/pressure of being married.
I could be totally off base and I have not shared these feelings with anyone else but the board. I mean we interact almost every single day and it just doesn't seem normal for a couple that just got D'd. That I can sit across the table from my EW and feel absolutely normal, be in the same room and toast her on the purchase of her new townhome is hard for me to process.
Then I think about "friend zone" and maybe that is where I am at. Not by choice but it just happened. Is that a bad thing? If at some point in the future a new R is possible is friend zone something that needs to happen?
I know the majority of this is about my EW just please don't get the impression that I sit around and stew about this all day. I am happy, fully functioning, doing my thing and taking care of myself (physically, emotionally and spiritually) but I have noticed these thoughts creeping into my mind.
I just find it hard being the light house but yet keeping your distance and your guard up to not get sucked back in emotionally. It is definitely a dance that I am learning.
I think the only thing that I would differ on doing is less interaction and not doing toasts and socializing with her. And i don't mean this out of spite, but just to get your own life really really separate from her.
I know you're doing this out of strength and this isn't some underhanded way of clinging to her, but I just wouldn't spend much time with her. I would still be upbeat and positive, and shirtless when possible lol.
You're doing amazing and if you're in the friend zone or not, at this point it doesn't matter.
In the last few days I've come to a place where I've honestly felt okay about dating. I don't think I am in a place to actually do it, but I don't feel icky about it. I think you're ahead of me and you should maybe dip your foot and see what happens. I think it's the last level in your personal journey.
I hope Acc and some others come by for this journal update. I'd like to know what they think.
I assume dating someone would make a pretty good impression. Outside of that I could pull way back on responding to her when she initiates texts or asks me questions. Just delaying my responses more than I have been. I guess I could also not let her borrow stuff, use the SUV so she can move some stuff, etc. Maybe that is being to accommodating which gives her the impression I am still around. I just didn't want to come across as being a jerk for no reason. Maybe I should have shown her more anger IDK. It's a similar situation your in with your W asking if she could stay longer in the house. I find myself making a lot of those type of decisions not to the same magnitude but smaller in nature.
For example, 15 minutes ago she sent me 5 pictures of the front of her townhome and asked me a question about replacing the light fixture. I responded and told her it looks nice and answered the question she asked but didn't make any other small talk. I get stuff like that a lot. Like this morning texting me at 6:30 with a question about a present we got our D. Her default is reaching out to me and I respond but have never told her to stop. Maybe I should.
We have a lot of discussion about the kids and informing one another about their events/coordinating shuttling them around. I have helped her during her weeks and she has done the same for me so I didn't think that was a big deal.
I still don't ask her any questions who, what, where, when why questions.....never anything about her personal life. If she is running late to a game or something she will text me to let me know but I never ask the reasons why.
Dating would definitely change it. "W out of respect for the new woman I am dating please do not contact me unless it involves the children".
Even now. "W your constant contact with me is not allowing me to heal and move on from our failed marriage. Please do not contact me unless it involves the children".
. I am not concerned about myself, my life, finding happiness again, etc. There have been periods on anger as well but I process those and move on.