J9 good luck on your journey as one door closes but I'm sure another one or two will open. Thank you for the input and guidance you have offered to me. I have enjoyed reading it and have felt it was true, accurate, and helpful so again, thank you.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
Thanks everyone for stopping by it means a lot. Two days left and it will be a done deal. I think I am more nervous about what my future holds and putting myself back out there in the dating scene than I am being divorced. Crazy!
Yesterday the W and I found a few things in the D decree that we had to ask the L to change. Nothng major but since it is the official document things we wanted to have in writing. I actually found them and told her she would probaly want these added for her behalf.
Then (I knew this was coming :)) she asked me if I would help her move from her apt to condo. She sent me an email asking if I would and that she would understand if this made in uncomfortable. I responded back to her and asked why I would be uncomfortable and to that she didn't have an answer.
So I thought about.........what it would mean if I say "no" and what it would mean if said "yes". Ultimately I told her I would and this is the reason why.
I didn't want to tell her no and give her the impression that I was mad, angry, upset, or whatever. I could have told her no because this is her journey, her choice and this is a part of D and you now have to fend for yourself. Then I thought what consequence is it of me? I am strong, confident, not pissed off, I know who I am so why would I not feel comfortable? So in the end I thought the stronger stance, a stronger show of my strength was to help. I don't help with any strings attached or any emotional attachment, I assist because she is the mother of my children and in my mind it was the right thing to do. I know my stance would be different if there was an OM and truthfully if there was she probably wouldn't be asking.
So I did respond back to her, telling her I would help, that I have no reason to feel uncomfortable and that I knew she would ask. I also gave her some suggestions on what type of truck to rent. I thought about going deeper into the conversation but chose not to, there are some cards that will reamin close to the vest. I still want to maintain the position of letting my actions speak louder than words.
Any way I know I will probably get some flack but I have been honest with the board from the start. I chose to do this from a position of strength not a position of weakness.
I am a silent follower. You have been an example of the perfect LBS. I know one in real life.
I do honestly worry that you are trying to come across as so perfect that you aren't quite honoring your feelings.
No matter however good terms you are on, you do actually have reason to feel uncomfortable moving her. That's a very emotional activity. It is also not a weakness, but a strength to say you don't feel right moving her.
Her even asking is inconsiderate in my opinion. I have seem WAW still treat their ex husbands like husbands, especially those who do not move on to another guy. In my opinion, I think it is very selfish to expect the person you left to still act as your spouse and to ask them for spouse like help.
I am not telling you to be an A hole, but to look at this for what it really is and give some honor to your own feelings regarding this. You can do this with strength and honor too. Choosing not to be her H while you are divorced is actually a great strength.
On the one hand, I totally get what you're saying J about why you responded 'yes' to her request. Working from a position of strength and letting your own values dictate your actions, rather than being reactive or succumbing to anger, resentment etc.
At the same time, I totally also see what Ginger is saying. Are you taking care of your feelings and honoring them? Not doing H type things is also a sign of strength and independence.
Btw, I picked up a bottle of Bourbon made in Kentucky. Don't know my Bourbon so asked a nice fella working in the store and he gave me a suggestion. I hope it's good.
Nonetheless, I am ready for the 12th bro. Got the bourbon ready and will have it in your honor.
On the one hand, I totally get what you're saying J about why you responded 'yes' to her request. Working from a position of strength and letting your own values dictate your actions, rather than being reactive or succumbing to anger, resentment etc.
I think what people don't realize is that there is a balance between the two.
If there is that much love, and you wanted to save the M, yes, then moving her should be an emotional thing and it would be uncomfortable. AND THAT IS OK.
Sometimes we are too scared to touch on those feelings in fear of feeling them. I get it. But it might come busting at the seems one day, so be sure to balance them and know it is a strong thing to not be a husband to your ex wife and it is a strong thing to say no and admit some discomfort.
I agree with Ginger. Saying "no" is not a sign of weakness unless you make it be. It simply does not matter how she interprets it, it is 100% a question of what YOU want. If you want to help her and you are sure it does not have a detrimental effect on your emotions, by all means help her. But saying "no" doesn't mean you are angry or you haven't changed, or that you are somehow giving her a lesson.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Sorry, been out of pocket for a few hours as I had to take my oldest to a Dr appt. this morning.
M - What bottle did you get? I my girls this week and my oldest has soccer practice on Thursday night so needless to say I can't go too wild however I will definitely be having myself a little night cap.
G - Where you the perfect LBS in real life? I understand what you are saying and I guess in a nutshell don't sacrifice my feelings in an attempt to be a perfect DBing LBS. Is that accurate?
When she asked me my initial thoughts were, "man I can read you like a book". Me moving her out at 3 weeks after BD was brutal so me helping this time feels like a pin prick (emotionally). I guess I also thought that it was something I didn't want to shy away from. There will probably be other awkward moments in the future with me meeting someone she is dating, seeing her parents again, my parents being around her, etc. that I thought I better get some practice at these uncomfortable or potentially uncomfortable situations.
I guess I have not thought about us being MR or even saving the MR in quite some time which is why I didn't feel the emotions. It's not because I don't love her but I don't allow myself to go there (maybe kind of to your point G). We have also been separated for close to a year and everything I have done has been for me and not for her so my focus on saving the MR hasn't been there either. When I pause for second though and really think about her leaving and not coming back my emotions are flat. Maybe that is acceptance, not sure. The things that stir my emotions are when I think about my D's and my role as the protector of the family. Those emotions are what made me agree to help her and ensure the place is set up for her and my D's. I guess there is a part of me that can't let that portion be turned over to someone else just yet. I think I will feel differently though once the D is final.
I do know that I don't want to be her Johnny Boy and I do think it is conversation that I am going to have with her once this move is complete and she gets to her permanent place. Once the D is final and she gets moved/settled and all the paperwork is complete there is no reason why she should initiate any conversation with me unless it is about our children. I am trying to be rude about it but at some point we need to move forward.
I guess I am just trying to find the balance like you indicated G, so I agree.
I think I have said this before too. You are without a doubt the model DBer here :-) ... Maybe you are almost too good? Or maybe you are mentally stronger than many of us here? I say this without any sarcasm BTW. You have not seemed bitter in any of your posts. Are you not at all? Have you allowed the hurt and anger to flow naturally, or do you always dial it back?
I am not entirely sure why, but I agree with Ginger, and I think you should say no. I don't think this has anything to do with being a good man (you are, no doubt) or about proving a point to her (I don't see you doing that). I think you say no because simply stated it's the right move. She on her own left you and the M, and so she gets to leave on her own. It is symbolic in a way.
I want to make sure you know that it's okay to take care of your own emotions first and foremost. Moving her out could be highly stressful and triggering; I don't want you to have to go through that. And if it's not having that affect on you, then I want you to explore why.
It can be easy to put others, especially our kids, first. You seem like an amazing dad. I want to see you put you first. Have you really let the hurt and anger flow? Are you ready for that? I think it is in there somewhere. I think it's okay to let it all out and process this in any way you need to. Perhaps you know all this. I just haven't seen it here. And I think moving her out, could cause some additional harm to you, even if you are unaware of it.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
