I need some guidance

[Cadet]

Hi everyone,I am newbie here.

Welcome

I suggest you start your own thread, with your own story!

[Ste7e]

Well that was a weird post above?
Anyway I would love if some other members could chime in on what I am going through. All the support right now would be very helpful.

[Maika]

Getting a new haircut and wardrobe is a start. It's important to not be a slob - take care of your physical appearance, grooming, and hygiene. First things women notice. You will also feel better when you look fresh and clean, so it's good for your mental pick-me-up. Just that change started to make me feel like a million bucks, and then the rest slowly followed because internal work is hard and you need to be persistent at it.

Going dark while she is Mexico is great. Now fill that time with a complete focus on YOU. Keep GAL, find areas that you need to improve to be a better person, and start making goals.

Nothing is going to turn around fast. So, even if you've had some good texts, that stuff is really superficial. Don't analyze it. Don't stress over it. Just let it roll off your shoulders.

Good to hang on to some hope, but it's best that you come to a place of acceptance that this is over. Is there a new MR in the cards in the future? Maybe. But, if you can't get yourself correct, you won't have a shot at recon that will be meaningful.

Don't hang out with her girlfriends and bfs. They are a straight pipeline to your W. Find your own group of social friends and stay out of her social network. She needs to see you strong and empowered and confident. Get working on that!

[SteveLW]

Ste7e, all I can say is hang in there. Keep DBing. She will either stay or go, but all you can control is you.

So keep detaching. It is a long, hard process. Keep GAL. Keep being the best you that you can be.

It may save your MR, it may not, but doing what you did before didn't work. So keep finding ways to 180, and be consistent.

[Ste7e]

Awesome response maika just the kind of reinforcement I need.
It is really hard to find my own life as our MR life was completely intermingled.
But I can see how creating my own keeps me out of the fray.
I am moving towards acceptance of the end but not quite there yet.
As a lot of others on here I fear that if I accept it over I fear that I will lose hope. It seems like balancing the two are in opposition to one another.

[Maika]

It is really hard to find my own life as our MR life was completely intermingled.

Yes, and that is not a healthy sign. I was there too. It's complete co-dependency if things are super intermingled. Where is your identity and you as a person? Now is the perfect time to figure that out and see where it goes. After BD, I had 2 people in my social network in my town. I started new GAL activities and started meeting people. And now I am slowly building my own network that is completely outside of W. Look at Meetups. You can do it, no problem.

I am moving towards acceptance of the end but not quite there yet.

Don't fret over that. Acceptance and detachment take time. Take the time to grieve the end of your relationship and accept that it is truly over. But don't stay there forever, and make sure you're doing positive things so that you're pulled out of your grief. Now start building yourself up.

As a lot of others on here I fear that if I accept it over I fear that I will lose hope. It seems like balancing the two are in opposition to one another.

It is perfectly fine to have a small piece of hope tucked away in your heart. But, that hope has to be centered around you being a full and happy person. And that hope has to be about finding the person that will enrich your life - maybe it's your W, or maybe it's someone else.

What are some things your W has done that contributed to the demise of your MR? Where did she fail you as a partner? Dig deep and find answers to those questions, and then think of what you need in a partner. When you find out what you need in a partner, add that to your cup of hope. Now your hope is about positivity, happiness, and flourishing in life.

I know this isn't easy. trust me I know. But, I can guarantee you that the other side of the tunnel isn't scary and that this internal work will make you hella attractive to others.

[Olya]

But I do have to admit I really do not like going dark because I donenjou her company. Just wish that she enjoyed mine.

Sorry you're here, man. Here's the thing - nobody likes going dark. It is incredibly hard in the beginning. But you have to remember that in the end this is about you. Do you enjoy your own company? You should. If you don't enjoy being with you, then who will? Split your time between social events and solitary activities - you are an interesting person with a lot to offer and you enjoy the company of others without needing their constant presence for validation. If your wife disagrees, then it is HER loss.

So back to monitoring I cant tell if going out today gave me a result positive or negative? Was she waiting on me to return, perhaps curious how long I was out (note ahe never asked me where I was going) or did my absence push her away that she wants to take the pet?

I struggled with this too, and in the end was all more the fool for it. Stop over-analyzing. You SHOULD monitor results, but when it comes to you getting out and having a life, she does not get the right to have a negative reaction. That is simply the consequence of her choosing to leave. If she does not want you to move on, it is on her to say something. Unless you are sleeping around, she cannot complain.

[Ste7e]

I am definately not sleeping around...and never have in this relationship.
Also I have been 100% honest the whole time which all makes this the harder to understand?

[Olya]

I am definately not sleeping around...and never have in this relationship.
Also I have been 100% honest the whole time which all makes this the harder to understand?

See! Then what right has she to be upset with you living a little? Your world no longer revolves around her. She made that choice when she walked out.

[Ste7e]