Wife wont admit to affair, its driving me nuts! 2

[Vanilla]

Oh yes, having a sexual relationship with before D is adultery. That makes the other party an OW. What sort of person is OK with being an OW?

V

[Surfer]

Joe,

V is spot on with all of this.

One point, you keep going over and over if she has had an affair. I did and still do. She did, is, whatever....My W never admitted to anything and really struggled to admit to that which I could undeniably prove - some of that she still denies. When you have let go (detached etc), you will stop doing this. I think the best indication of this is when you are kind of 'yes, it's sad, but hey, I'm not I am happy and so are the kids'. I am 99% of the time at a place where I am very happy and just think she is a fool to have given up on us. I do feel sad for her (the kids mostly - they are totally happy though), but hey.

The lady company thing. You need to be in a better place first and ideally on the other side of a D. If filing and adamant etc and say a year or so after S then I can see that but otherwise, just be careful. There are so many reasons for this. It's not fair to her (she will be expecting someone without this baggage - sorry), you also might put your progress back (very far and very fast) if it does not work, you will create a position for your W to highlight and attack, your kids will be dragged into this - if W can do that (very damaging). You will become painted as the villain for definite and the kids may buy this! You don't want that.

Focus on you and the kids. That's it.

Keep going. Forget what she's up to. Don't rubberneck at her car crash, keep your eyes on the road in front.

Surfer.

[Morbo]

And...of course you both are totally right.

Focus on you and the kids. That's it.

Keep going. Forget what she's up to. Don't rubberneck at her car crash, keep your eyes on the road in front.

Acceptance is coming slowly, detaching is helping along with NC.
I had one slip up on sunday though when my W texted saying that she was coming over with the girls early after breakfast. She was supposed to be dropping them over later at 4(we were going to a superbowl party). I knew the reason, she was seeing OM. I gave her a hard time, a couple of hard hitting texts from me and she needed to know it was not cool to do that.
No regrets, myself, my parents and girls had a great day.

W is totally missing out. HER loss

[Morbo]

So, been mulling things over a few weeks.
I'm pretty happy in general, pretty much over W, doing decent NC.

Still feel in limbo because W is not interested in filing for D and is still unsure/whatever bout everything. I'm done with it anyway and not interested .
So I emailed her yesterday to say that I was finished, we should discuss filing for D and
that we should now be separated but to all intents, single. Short replies to and fro but no real agreement from her.

So, next day, I get an email from her saying she wants to go to counselling. This is the first time ever she has said this.
I replied non committaly and said I'd think about it, said we'd maybe talk when she comes back from her holiday at end of feb. She

Hmm, what to do? She seems genuine.

[Morbo]

She also wants to go for lunch and me to call to her next week to "talk" about stuff.

[Vanilla]

If it were me I would want to consider what stuff she wants to talk about.

And then I would discuss with an L before doing anything else.

V

[Morbo]

Yeah, so not much change.

We never went for lunch, just the barest minimum of contact regarding kids and stuff the last 2 months. She tried to make some contact with my parents while they were here but they were unimpressed.
She went to Costa Rica last week. I'm genuinely not interested in her life anymore so didnt contact her. She also spent $2k on a holiday and she owes me all that and more on old credit cards but she doesnt give a f**k. She's trying to find herself or something, LMFAO.

She's back now and obviously no talk of counselling. Fine by me, I've been completely detaching and GALing well.
I really dont think there's any hope at all for the marriage and she would have to really turn it around if she wanted us to work. Maybe I shouldnt have but I contacted her today to say that we were separated 10 months and that we were done.
I really meant it The next thing will be divorce. Someone had to say it, she's just been stringing me along and I need to get my life back. I feel better, no regrets at all.
Not going to change anything in the short term regarding family and custody stuff. I'm sure she's still lying and seeing OM but I will never know. He can have her.

Also, car woes today, $1k in repairs. Its a been a tough few days.

On positive side, hanging out with my kids watching Futurama.
Just gave them some music lessons(they play bass and piano), I'm so proud :-)

[enstar]

You may not have had a good wife but at least your kids are the good that came out of it. Hang in there, buddy. Have you tried the no contact rule, by the way? See how she would react.

[Morbo]

Hi Enstar, yeah I'm following the NC rule pretty closely.
Only time I make contact with her is regarding stuff with the kids and that is very to the point and polite. I only made contact yesterday because she had mentioned counselling after her trip and its obvious she doesnt want it, just wants to keep me dangling as PLan Z, lol. I've had enough of that crap..
I needed to take back the respect that I've lost and actually genuinely move on. In my mind, its over anyway and I'm in the acceptance phase I guess.

Busy GALing,joined a new gym, working on new projects and being Super dad, ha!

[Vanilla]

This is referred to as hybrid NC.

Admin on kids isn't true contact, you can use an online family wizard to regulate contact.

NC starts the healing process easily.


Good for you on the GAL. It is very tough I know and acceptance can be a roller coaster ride.

V