Slowly he is inching his way back into reality and staying sober. Take each day as it comes and keep your expectations at zero. The holidays are fast approaching and he may be popping out a bit more because of it.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I heard a great tip for obsessing, courtesy of Melody B__t_ie. Try to force yourself to obsess, when you aren't. You can tell the difference between healthy obsessing and toxic obsessing using this trick. If you are just feeling passion about an idea, project, vacation, whatever, you will be able to force yourself to obsess.
If it's unhealthy obsessing, then try switching over to something healthy. If I'm obsessing about Matt, force myself to think of a work project or house project I'm excited about--Use the energy for something constructive.
P.S. Kinda funny watching him interact with the girls. When he left, they were awkward, young, etc... Now, we have two Amazing Confident Women. If Dad says something stupid, he is called on it immediately. He made the mistake of calling us "hens." They were all over him like a monkey on a banana. Oldest: Dad, that's incredibly sexist and I'm not impressed.
He apologized.
One day atta time.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
It's been awhile since I've posted. Thought I'd check in :-)
SIX years since BD!
MY kids are AMAZING. I'm so proud of my girls. My oldest, who had such a hard time through these past five years or so, is on her own, seeing an awesome counselor, building a life, staying sober. I'm so proud.
Youngest just went to her first formal dance. Has some great friends and her own small biz babysitting dogs.
Most of all, they are happy and laugh a lot.
I've got these two strong young women, who are blowing me away. I was so worried with their ability to recover. But, we made it.
Matt is still clean. Going on five months. He took a job, where he is drug tested. He works a pretty insane schedule, alot of night shifts. He checks in with all of us daily. We have a group text. He gets particularly chatty on his all-nighters. Youngest loves it. She loves everyone talking as a family. Oldest comes as goes. There's no pressure. Both girls find him annoying, and he is. Trying really, really hard to fit into a really tight-knit group.
It's been very strange having nice Matt back. He's may be nicer than he was before? The support has been pretty weird. Last night, our youngest had a panic attack at the beginning of the dance--Aspergers reaction to noise and crowd. We all coached her through it, and she was able to get past it and have a good time. I think it meant a lot to him to be a part of an actual family situation again.
He's also been sending me money to help with things like our dog's recent cancer surgery. She's fine now, but paying off the surgery.
Anyway, taking it slowly. None of us ready to be together in person yet. Not sure if I want a relationship, as in a romantic relationship with him again. I'm not sure I can see him that way? He did a lot of terrible stuff.
I do, however, feel like we've reached a point, where it's okay to accept him in our lives again. I'm trusting my gut. Today, he feels safe. Today, I can accept that this is our family, no matter how weird it looks and no matter how different from what I hoped for. We have a connection to each other. And, the girls are perfectly capable of handling him now on their own. In fact, he's been really brave sticking it out through their gauntlet.
When I feel some resentments building up, or old anger, I have some close friends who are recovering addicts to remind me... One Day atta Time. His sobriety is the first priority right now. There's no possibility of anything else until he's sober at least a year.
Interesting Points for those earlier on in this journey:
-OW means nothing now. Not sure she ever did. He doesn't remember calling her his soulmate. "We have nothing in common. We did drugs together. She isn't the smartest and sorta annoying."
"I said a lot of stuff out of pain. I was hurting and trying to hurt everyone else."
-OW means nothing to ME. This has been HUGE for me. I was so obsessed about her. I feel nothing where she is concerned. Not threatened, not angry, NOTHING. She was a sad predator, who took advantage of someone who was really broken. He allowed her to invade our lives. But, today, she really means nothing.
-It wasn't all wine and roses. In fact, it wasn't ANYTHING like I imagined. He described his Thanksgiving. He had dinner alone for $10 at a buffet. Honestly, I think this has sorta been his life for the past several years. He describes a life of work, drugs, loneliness, isolation, sitting in this chair I let him take from the house and watching movies. I remember he talked a lot about movies early on after he left. I think watching movies alone played a big part of his down time. ALONE ALONE ALONE. What he describes, even with OW, is alone.
-Missed his family throughout, but didn't have the ability to fix all the damage he had done. He also described this deadness. He was like a zombie.
-I don't think he even knew where to start to make it back. He describes a fog, where he just put one foot in front of the other. He also describes being very easily led by OW and his family--all of whom were pushing him to "follow his heart." He has cut off his family from his life since he quit using.
-He appreciated my staying in touch. I would text him from time-to-time and ask how he was. Give him a little of what was going on with the girls. Not over the top, but just enough to let him know, "We are here. We care about you. Take care of yourself."
Not sure if this will last. Kinda have a feeling though, the partying isn't something he wants to return to. However, it's hard to know if the issues that caused all this could return. It's too early to predict. Okay with daily interaction. Love having nice Matt back. But, not sure I'd ever want to live with him again, and focused on my life and my business.
The girls have made it clear, that in order to come visit us, he needs some counseling in addition to getting clean. None of us are prepared to return to Crazytown.
I'm loving having a state line as a boundary from him and my family. It's made such a difference in our lives to be able to live in a place without the constant memories and threat of seeing someone who might stir up pain.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
What a lovely (and real) update. It is good to see that someone can take the time and do this right and when the time is right, the stars align. I think for most, there is some positive sign and it goes right back to rug sweeping and hoping for the best. You have resurrected boundaries for everyone's best interest and each of you is doing your part.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
He hit 6 months and signed a lease away from OW. He moves into his new place April Fools 😊
OW is not happy and still pursuing and trying to break his sobriety. She doesn't like his sober friends. He took personal items important to us as a couple out of his current apt. to protect them--like a painting we got on our honeymoon and some photos of us at 19 and 21. Just in case she goes cray cray. It's been nice having him back from the dead.
Still okay, not ready to spend time with him yet in person. He saved stuff from all of us as a family. Kept it close.
OW was very, very controlling and possessive. Learning bits and pieces. Not asking too much yet. Not sure I even care honestly. She really, really doesn't matter. Never thought I'd feel this way. His sobriety and my own sanity is priority. I need to stay clear-headed and keep building my business. Actually, really enjoying work. I'm certified in email marketing, inbound marketing and content marketing. Need to take better care of myself though. Still get resentful about juggling g everything alone. Yet, wouldn't want a newly-clean addict helping me--that wouldn't really be help.
Taking this one day Atta time.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
It's so wonderful to hear an update from you! Kudos to you on rebuilding your life and for being that rock for your girls.
It's important for those of us still in the muck to know things ease with time. Thanks for taking time to post as I think about you often!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
