This is a fantastic resource and some threads have helped me immensely. I needed help on my current situation and get some insights into those who’ve gone through a MLC and those who were on the other side.
My wife didn’t really want a baby but we had one and she experienced post natal depression for over 2 years. During that time we fought a lot and I wasn’t the most supportive husband but I stuck with her. We started seeing a marriage counsellor and began working through our problems and got back to a really good place. But 6 months ago she started telling me she was going through a mid life crisis and didn’t believe in marriage, commitment and monogamy. It hit me like a tonne of bricks and I did all the wrong things (eg arguing, showing sad emotions, chasing and being really needy). She’s told me a few times that she’s shut me out and the reason is she had a baby out of love for me and that was a bad decision, and she can never let me in again. Our councillor thinks she’s afraid to commit again and this is how she is reacting.
So right now we are living together but I’ve told her that if she doesn’t want to stay monogamous and work on our issues then I will be moving on and getting a divorce, that sex outside our marriage is a boundary I won’t tolerate. I’m working on the DR steps and done a 180 and created emotional distance. I was mostly the initiator of intimacy in the past. Every time I bring up sex she shuts me down with it’s not natural to be with one person, I just need to have fun and I’ll come back and most recently, I don’t think we’re compatible. Would love to get an insight from others about what they did and how to keep working through this and what’s going through her mind
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks for all that info. I’ve read a few of the threads and they’ve been very enlightening. I guess what is hard to know is how real are these feelings she has? When will she act on them?
Detaching has been good but it feels like we’re drifting apart.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Hi Ric, welcome to our community. Sorry about your situation. What are the ages of you and W? How old is the child now?
If these "signs" did not show up until after giving birth, I would suggest she sees a hormone balancing therapist. When hormones are balanced, it solves a lot of issues.
Although you are currently in MC, she may need additional IC. If there is lingering resentment about having the baby, that could lead to all sorts of unhealthy issues.........not only for her, but for the child as well. Did she ever give a reason for not wanting children, and did she share those feelings before you M her?
Do both of you have full time jobs?
Did your W have to (or feels that she had to) give up something in her life, in order to be a mom?
You say you need to have fun. Have the two of you made an effort to have date nights and just go out for a fun weekend.....without the baby? It is easy for working couples to fall into a stale routine and focus on the baby so much they cease to spend time with just each other. If the W is depressed, and wasn't thrilled about having kids, then I would think time without the baby is important. Of course, if she doesn't want to be with you currently......that makes things very difficult. Does she go out with friends, while you stay home with the baby?
Does she have any close female friends who are in her age category (or even older) who have children? Women need to have another woman who she can talk to about her physical and emotional feelings..... and share advice about the kids, etc. Is she close to her own mother and do they talk often?
Does she have any new friends? Are they younger, divorced, or single? Have you noticed changes in her outward appearance? Does she seem to guard her phone.....and keep it glued to her? When she has a call, does she go to another room to talk? Sorry for so many questions, but your answers will really help. Has she started staying out later, or having overnight "girls night out"? Is there anything that stands out in your mind as feeling a bit odd about some of her excuses to be somewhere else?
I find it a little strange that your W is diagnosing herself as having a MLC. Did she give a specific reason she thought she was having a MLC.......other than she no longer believed in M? Until you share more with us, I encourage you to not label her with MLC. The symptoms may sound as if they "fit", but that may not be the real issue at all.
Can you tell us a little about how she was raised......her parents, childhood, etc. Did she experience a life changing trauma when she was growing up?
What about you? Would you say the two of you had similar backgrounds?
The more you can tell us, the better we can see the overall picture.
I encourage you to post often, and you will get more replies.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She was scared she didn’t have the natural desire to be a Mum and told me I was scared but we didn’t take about it in depth. She remembers that I kinda shrugged it off. She was also afraid of the lifelong commitment and loss of freedom.
She was working part time and I’m full time. She just started back full time
She feels like she gave up her life/freedom.
She said she just needs to have fun cause her life is so serious and I owe her that for having a kid. She goes out with her friends for dinner occasionally.
No new friends but one of her current friends is living with her partner but sees other men. She’s been so focused on her looks and being young again and a free spirit. She seemed a bit guarded on her laptop and phone and I called her out but she said it was nothing. Currently she leaves her phone around the house so doesn’t seem to be hiding something. No odd nighttime behaviour or staying out late or overnight.
She didn’t give a reason but always said around this time she would have an MLC. She used to say that years ago. She doesn’t give any other reason. She thinks I’m a great husband but then says M is crap and only benefits the man and she’s never been committed to going long term. 10 years is long enough.
She went through a war and was a sibling of a special needs kid. Both her parents emotionally neglected her and have her no boundaries.
We’ve had different family backgrounds but gone through similar difficulties and are deeply aligned on our morals and goals in life. Hope that gives so more insight.
One thing about your wife is that she is being direct and honest about her feelings, morals, and beliefs on commitment. Sadly, they are in complete opposition to yours. It would have been nice if you knew this before marriage though.
Regardless, you cant make here think a certain way. Just like she cant make you think a certain way.
My thought is that you might have to make painful decisions based on your boundaries and the type of marriage you want. But you cant try to reason or persuade another person. Sure it might be hormonal, or chemically influenced. But you did not sign up for a polyamorous relationship. This is what she wants and what she is going to do and your only option is to accept it, or end it.
"and are deeply aligned on our morals and goals in life. "
You might want to reassess this. I'm sorry but you stated sex outside of the marriage is something you can't tolerate. yet she is saying that marriage and monogamy is not natural. How is that aligned?
LBHs, myself included, have a difficult time giving up the ideal image of their WW. She is not the girl you married. That's the harsh reality. That girl is gone. You now have a WW in her place. You will never move forward healthily, with or without her, without facing that reality.
Do the homework. read the links Cadet sent. Implement 180s. Detach. You will make mistakes, just resolve to do better moving forward.
Good luck. And buckle in for a long bumpy ride.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/07/1804:35 AM. Reason: edit
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
