This was the first time I caught my W lying in 15 years...
Not sure if you saw this blurb I posted to you yesterday:
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It really is. A lot of them will engage in all kinds of nefarious behavior but then act all hurt and disappointed that you would actually think they are engaging in it. It's crazy but often the spouses we thought we knew so well turn into lying cheaters that barely even resemble who we knew. They will look you in the eye and pour out lies and turn it around to make YOU feel guilty for accusing them. It's amazing.
She is not the person you used to know. She has transformed from your loving wife into a lying cheater. This is your new reality sorry to say. Expect a LOT more lying in the future. She will lie about all things great and small. She will lie about stuff that matters and stuff that doesn't.
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LH19, out of curiosity, what is the book you mentioned here (if ok to share)?
That was my quote rather than LH19, the book that is from is the "Married Man Sex Life Primer". We don't talk about it a lot here because it doesn't dovetail with DB so much. It's more of a look into alpha versus beta behavior and how to strike a balance on that in your romantic relationships.
Yesterday I found out my W had PA with a guy from the hobby she started 3 months ago. They apparently started to chat over FB at Dec and at Jan it went physical. They have been together even longer periods and done all “couple” things as movies and dates. Not to mention about sex, where they also used these toys (my W bought them) we never did together. I did not sleep at all last night, since every time I closed my eyes, I saw them together there doing nasty things. Devastating. If someone has good tips how to come over these visions, I´m glad to receive a hint...
When I confronted W, I was very calm - no shouting or anything. I explained that she has offended me in worst possible way and even if she probably wanted to save me from pain by not being honest, she caused me more pain doing things behind my back. I needed to say this, but I tried not to be weak, but demonstrate good leadership in expressing my opinion clearly. I also expressed that the special insult was that I have starved without sex (well, we had sex once in 2-8 weeks), and there comes a guy she knows for 2 months and is ready to be very pro-active and go so much further in creativity and passion than even once with me. This seems to be hardest for me in the A. You know - I felt SO much desire to say to my wife, that I WANT to do the same thing to you what OM did sexually right now, but I managed to keep this inside me. I know it was my ego talking...
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What are your boundaries?
I did some soul searching and said like this - You need to decide what you want and you have these options: 1. Choose me 2. Choose someone else If you choose someone else, go, I will not be a wingman, I will be a captain. If you choose me, I am committed to work our way towards forgiveness. But if you choose me, I have these boundaries: -You have to prove that you are committed to the R, and this means I will not contact you for any other matter than kids&finance. We can schedule time to talk us if initiative comes from you. I need to see that she WANTS to find the way for us to build something new. Further, we continue to live separate and I want you to do following things with OM: -Take the responsibility of A -Cut all connection with OM -Send a written statement to OM saying along the lines of: "I will not be in any contact with you anymore and I ask you to respect that as well being not in any contact with me" -Never go physically near OM, so quit hobby where OM attends and find another place -Also I said that she needs to be 100% transparent with her mobile phone
My W seemed to be remorseful, but you never (I see) know what she truly feels. I am personally satisfied with boundaries and am committed to work with them. Her concern was that will I ever be able to forgive her and does she need to spend rest of her life in hostile R if she chooses me. I said that I want to forgive her if I see her working towards the M.
I gave her couple of days to think what she wants.
So what was the response? W called couple hours later and said that is it possible to think two weeks, and the reasoning was this: W said that I (me) am probably in shock due to her affair and maybe I will change my time bit later. I said that I have made my decision and do not need two weeks, but if she needs it, I go dark and we get back in 2 weeks. You know, I´m 99% certain, that the 2 weeks were not about me, they were about the OM. I´m quite sure she wants to buy more time to spend time with him, and find out if they could have something together... She probably is so thrilled about A, that she wants to keep me as an option if it does not work out with OM. Then she can also hope, that I would change my mind and she wouldn´t need to deliver the bad news of their future plans... I might be pessimistic, but I´m not surprised anymore when it comes to WW (I would not have thought it this way just few day ago).
But if this is the case, then be it. I know I will be happy again (even I´m VERY low and fragile now, feeling SOOOO much pain)and I will be loved again and hopefully able to love back. This will leave scars, but what I now do is focus to DETACHING. Hopefully I get those disturbing visions of my W & OM having sex with their fu¤%&ing toys. Really, please give advise on this if you have any!
Even if I´m very pessimistic that W would choose me in 2 weeks, I am ready to try if she is. I am so much better man now that if it works, it might be better what we even thought. Otherwise I continue with my life without her and hope she will be happy (actually ATM I hope that the potential relationship with OM is burning her). sorry...
My priority now is my beautiful and pure hearted kids who need all the love and feel of security they can get.
Want to add, that I do not say I will reject her right away if she burns with OM and I´m available. I will not have ANY hope to find someone new feeling this much hurt, but when I feel ready I hope I dare to open my heart...
She is not the person you used to know. She has transformed from your loving wife into a lying cheater. This is your new reality sorry to say. Expect a LOT more lying in the future. She will lie about all things great and small. She will lie about stuff that matters and stuff that doesn't.
Unfortulately this I have learned to understand through the heaviest path...
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the book that is from is the "Married Man Sex Life Primer"
Thanks for this! Do you remember any reason they found to explain why some women go to "50 shades of gray" directly after sex starved marriage even if they have been the ones keeping it quiet themselves and wanted safety and EC in ML?
I did not sleep at all last night, since every time I closed my eyes, I saw them together there doing nasty things. Devastating. If someone has good tips how to come over these visions, I´m glad to receive a hint...
Would you watch a really bad movie over and over again? Of course not. So why do this to yourself? When you start to picture it, picture a big red STOP sign in your mind and turn the channel. Sounds silly but it works.
As for the two weeks - you're right, she's trying to buy a little more time with OM. Spend the next two weeks going out with friends and doing fun new things. All the better if she "happens" to find out you were at a concert last night or out at trivia night at a local bar with some friends. Note: I'm not suggesting you date - don't do that - but it's okay to give her a little taste of what it might be like to wonder about you being out there where other women might hit on you. (Unless of course you had problems with being unfaithful yourself in the marriage,in which case this is not a good idea. )
I´m quite sure she wants to buy more time to spend time with him, and find out if they could have something together... She probably is so thrilled about A, that she wants to keep me as an option if it does not work out with OM.
Yes^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
G,
I was afraid you were go to set a boundary that you couldn't enforce. I wished you would have check with the board first.
Can I have 2 weeks to try this other guy out before I make a decision? WTF? Come on man! No, you either decide to work together on the marriage or I help you pack your $hit and your sex toys and you can go live with OM.
I said ok I have no contact until she either ends the affair and decides she wants to work on the marriage, or until we reach 2 weeks when its over from my side if A is not ended. At first I felt this was pretty reasonable and actually just realized after agreeing that potential OM scenario. Also thought at first I don’t want decision so that is ‘pushed’, but definitely not OM around either... think changing boundaries is even weaker or what do y think?
). sorry...