Gordie #16: walking away from from MLC W

[Gordie]

Ownit—it was triggered by a notice we got from the court because she continues to miss deadlines. So we had to discuss if she was going to sign the agreement or not. It’s been almost a year since she filed. Every time I think we’ve agreed something else comes up to renegotiate.

[OwnIt]

Ah yes, potential DWOP. This is why I hate it when people know a suit has been filed but are ok sitting on it when the other side doesn’t serve. The dates keep running.

Do you want the D at this point? There is a good chance she won’t follow through and will get a dismissal. I hate to remind you where I am on my contract.

[AndrewP]

My own opinion FWIW is that it is best to continue on the plan as it is. If the divorce is postponed she'll continue to spin around and try to get lots of cake knowing that Gordie is still her puppet on a string.

In a hypothetical future where she does come around and is indeed willing to do the hard work that would be necessary for her to be trusted again, having gone through the divorce also provides a solid basis for a post-nup. I'm too cynical perhaps but I've read too many stories where they come back and everything is peachy for a couple of years and then they go off to play with the fairies again.

Again - only my - somewhat biased viewpoint.

[OwnIt]

True Andrew, but there are some cost savings to proceeding now if that is relevant and she may be under the gun and more willing to be reasonable now, rather than later. As they harden their positions they tend to become less reasonable. Lots of things to think about (including your own stance on that piece of paper).

[Gordie]

Own and Andrew,

Thank you. Yes, lots to think about. I can’t control her. I can only control me. If she signs then I will sign. If she drops it then I won’t fight that either. I am not willing to negotiate further so she can sign this, drop it or we can go to court. I am sobered by own’s non D and cali’s 3 year long saga. You have no idea how helpful it has been to compare notes on this process and knowing I’m not the only one in this slow-mo situation.

Is it just a piece of paper? Yes and no. It will give me financial clarity. It will protect my parenting rights. It will affect me emotionally. It will help me detach further. It will not hurt my chances at R and may even improve them. For some the D is the last straw, but I guess it’s not for me. Concurrent with moving out, this will also be the talk of the town whether I like it or not but I’ve decided I’m not talking. My closest friends know and everyone else I’ll just say that I’d prefer not to discuss it, thank you very much.

Another thought I’ll share for those in the bleachers. For some of you, b d was in the beginning of MLC. For me, it came about five years after my stbx started making all of her physical and social and religious changes. That’s not good or bad, just an observation as I compare my situation to others.

[OwnIt]

I like that, my non-D. I think what alarms me about it is that he has been with OW2 for at least 10 months now. At what point is that "safe" enough for him to move forward. Instead I just see the destruction of it coming and another turn on the wheel.

I saw the first signs 5 years before the BD (weight loss, working out, fear of death talk, hair loss prevention products, pulling away from me and kids), but I got the ILB speech about 3 years before BD (when the hidden affair with OW1 began). I assumed it was depression and midlife transition and he would work through it. I tolerated numerous job changes, house changes, and hobby changes to appease him.

You are a classy guy, but I think keeping quiet is essential, mostly for personal integrity. I have done NOTHING to out him in any way to anyone except for the people who absolutely knew he was gone.

Moving out will hurt like a mother at first, but quickly you will feel much better. Just have things planned for the times you don't have the kids. I've never had that part of it, but in the few times they've both been gone it is a little hard.

[DnJ]

Hi Gordie. I agree with your resolve for no further negotiating and letting her drop it, sign it, or go to court. For me I am separated and W owns that. I am not pushing for D, she can own that too. I will accept her choice, no pressure.

Best of luck. I’m thinking of you.

[bttrfly]

Hi Gordie I'm catching up .. when do you move out? Have you set a date for it? I think you're handling this as well as anyone could hope, given the situation.

What prize should I get? A lovely wooden stand for my crystal ball?

I wish I wasn't right about things, but I'm very glad it helped you cope a little easier. Good grief.

Yeah, I didn't like the questions about "how long" - made me wonder just what she was going to say to OM2 ... would she string both of you along while she continued to "make up her mind" aka cake eat? Best to leave her to it and focus on you, the children and your move.

I think the best thing is to say nothing. Most people won't ask and your response is perfect for those who would.

Nope I wouldn't talk some sense into her - no one can. She needs this to come from within and she's not there yet.

Well done on staying out of it btw D1 and stbx. I know that was really hard to do.

One last thing: when the children aren't with you is a tricky time in my experience. You'll have to find what works best for you. As you know, for me it's volunteering on that first day which has made the difference. You will figure it all out. xoxoxo

[CaliGuy]

Gordie
Reading along .... I typed up a bit yesterday but nuked it as I sometimes am torn on what to say, what to share and there are times I know what I have to say is not necessarily 'standing for your marriage' but more standing for yourself and there are some lines I cross in my mind when thinking about what I should and should not share .... that given my respect for the site usually wins out my beliefs on M and saving one.

That said there are some topics I do want to chime in on, I agree with bttrfly and at this point almost forgot how hard it was separating out, when you have the kids its awkward without the spouse but you focus on the kids so its not to bad ... the tough stuff comes when its just you in that new place and you find yourself on the couch staring up at the ceiling trying to answer the "How the heck did I get here" question. My advice there is open up the GAL book and start knocking stuff out but even then this transition is a difficult one at best so just know that going in its tough .. all the emotions one can feel you will cycle through.

As far as the D goes ... I typed it out yesterday and nuked it .. but I do feel sometimes its best ... not that I am saying hey everyone rush on out to get divorced because I do not believe that. In my case I truly believe she needed it to move on and heal ... I also think after everything I actually needed it more. In my sitch I was already 'divorced' I just did not have it officially documented by the courts. Did it change anything, not really .. I still do what I have been doing for the past 2 years .. focus on my son and myself and try to improve every day. I will say that when it finalized I had a weight lift off me but that was more due to the court system and the unknown more than anything to do with her at that point. But even now I work on issues and triggers created by the crisis, however I do not look at these as things that happened to me I view them more as wonderful opportunities to become someone much stronger, wiser and generally better than the man I was before.


I think some MLCrs have to be divorced to close that door on "what can I do to make me happy" .... as sexist as this may sound I think the ladies need this more than the men who view the OP more as a physical outlet where the ladies seem to transfer the feelings/love from the LBH to the OM and its a real true 'relationship' to them, one that has an affair cloud over it all and they think that's whats holding them back from euphoria so if they were truly divorced then it will feel more natural and dare I say 'right' ... after that doesn't work it makes them realize 'nope that wasn't it either' and its on to the next thing they think they need to be happy or maybe just maybe the start doing some self reflection and work themselves out of the tunnels. (Just my observation there) Regardless there is a difference in the sexes when it comes to this.

So that being said D is not the end all ... even if you are where I am 4 years later you heal and get to a place that you hope they come out of the crisis not to save your marriage, but for them to be a better person for them, for the children and maybe even a better co-parent (hate that word still) to deal with. If the rock bottom and realize what they did and try to fix the damages then its in your court what you want to do ... no different than if she wanted to do that next month or next year its still up to you and what you want at this point. The advantage is all yours as you will know if she has done the work.

[Irish M]

I agree 100% with Cali

Mine said she felt guilty being married. As if she was cheating on me.
But when I asked my lawyer to change the divorce reason to adultery she said no way. It Never happened.. she said. This of course when she was living with the guy. I guess sleeping on the couch.

As For the divorce, to do or not to do? It’s up to you. That relationship is dead. If there is a new one later on well it’s a new one.

You are an amazing dad Gordie and Strong person. I’d love to read more about GAL. Gordie time.

Take care
Irish