Newcomer wondering what's happening #3

[petri]

W just texted that their flight to Finland is delayed at least 13 hours. She seemed pretty pi$$ed and telling how she misses the kids and finnish food. I tried to validate as much as I could. But all I was thinking...karma is a b****. Sorry for that.

[Verum]

If her kids call at the wrong time, she can be cold and say hurtful things b/c she does not want to deal with kids at that moment.

She replied "I don't want to deal with these on my own time". And she rarely talks to kids when they call her. It's always a bad time...

With the kids it is difficult, and I don't think you can control or compensate for your W and how she interacts with the kids. You could talk to your W in as non-confrontational way possible about the kids. I realize you might just get anger, but then you can just drop it and focus on your relationship with the kids.

[petri]

Fc. Thankfully now we can talk in a friendly way. Hopefully it will continue.

[petri]

Texts from W today.

"Here now overtired it felt really hard coming back to this house. B/c everythings is so messed up and I don't know what's missing etc etc. Can't really hold my thoughts together very good.
So it would of been easier if we had our own homes. Wouldn't be out as a snowman(finnish idiom, to have no idea what's happening) and anxious.

I did missed alot(probably means kids) but really hard to get anything reasonable done. Like I'm going on a circle and don't know where to start.
Sure I managed to buy food but that went wandering at the store.
But my fatique has just been so bad.
S11 needs help with math and I don't f-ing understand them at all. Really.
And that made me feel miserable that mom doesn't know f-ing math.
And we need to decide about the dogs too.
I probably can't take care of (yonger dog) by myself. I strongly feel she has to go somewhere too.
Those dogs have also always been an eater of my resources(assets?). And now even less I have the time or energy and piece by piece I'm trying to get rid of any overload, things that just make me feel guilty that I have no time or energy for anymore."


Seems like her dogs are consumables. Are the kids next in line? She seems very confused, cold and heartless even...

[petri]

What is was thinking here...if a loss/losses can snap her, how can it happen when she wants to get rid of everything herself...

[petri]

I've mentioned before that I work in the field of mental health. I'm studying cognitive therapy at the moment. Today we studied about selfreflection of thoughts and emotions. There were couple of particular things I'd like to share. If any of this resonates with anyone please let me know.

First off thought distortions...
The basic false assumption and mind reading. But this next one is usually said to be the one that REALLY tells if you're right or wrong: emotional inference. You think something is true b/c it "feels right". You leave facts unchecked if they don't support you "emotion".

[petri]

Then the vicious circle. This wpuld be better if drawn as a picture.

Inner/outer stimulus(the seed is planted)
I.e. "I'm not happy"

Interpretation of threat
I.e. "I'm trapped/I'll never be happy here"

This causes agitation and anxiety which leads to

Physical and psychological symptoms(circle begins)
I.e. Pressure in chest, anxiety, depression

Misinterpretation
I.e. "M/R is causing this, H/W is causing this"

Avoidance and safety precautions(circle ends and begins again)
I.e. Denial, withdrawl, alcohol, nagging etc.



Does this make any sense to anyone?

[Btrow]

Petri,

I hope one of the MLC vets stumble across your thread and chime in. Some of the things you describe in her, makes me think MLC. (just to clarify, I have no expertise in that area but have read a lot of threads on the MLC forum, and this look like something I have seen before). The disconnecting from kids, pets and the home, also the mental state she is in appears to be depression, doesn't it?

[petri]

Btrow. I have thought of MLC. I've read a lot on the subject and lot of it does ring lots of bells. And yes! Depression type of state is where she is. I actually thought in late summer/early autumn that she has clinical depression. She could of had diagnosed according to depression criteria.

[petri]

But the depression type state is only showing to me. W doesn't want to show herself as weak. But I already saw it before separation so she doesn't have to pretend to me. But this type of behavior is typical to WW also if I've gotten it right. But what I need to do doesn't really change if I've understood things right.