In-house separation on path to D

[Verum]

My previous thread is Here Again

A new thread, a new recap.

I've been around since 2012. W was in MLC and doing some crazy stuff. I can say it is mostly behind us, but she is a different person -- some good changes, some that I would say are negative.

We failed at reconciliation. She was probably not fully invested in it, we didn't get outside help or counseling, and we didn't address some of the lingering issues. If there's another chance, I won't make that mistake again.

The last BD in November 2017 can be traced to unhappiness over the previous 12-24 months at least. W filed for D first week of January. We are living in the same house. W has even proposed to continue living together after D.

I have upped my GAL activities to keep busy, which does take my mind off of my MR problems. Some days I go through all the stages of grieving (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) together. Although, I imagine someone observing me might think I am firmly in denial.

I would like to stay married, but it is up to W, and I feel the likelihood is very low. If there's any hope, it is because she obviously values so much in our MR and would be willing to continue living together after BD. Others on this forum mention how the WAW can only see all the bad in the MR, and the LBS sees all the good. In these past months I can also see all the bad, which would have to change for us to stay in the MR. Otherwise, I would just be here again in a year or two.

I can say these travails have made me a better partner and person.

[Holding]

FC, if you can find a way to avoid the in-house separation, I HIGHLY recommend it. Talk to a L to see if you can move out without jeopardizing your parental rights. Or get your W to move out.

I endured 7 months of in-house sep, and it was H3LL! It wore me down in ways that are impossible to describe. I saw a side of my XW that was cruel and vindictive. As much I tried to DB and GAL, the in-house sep was emotionally draining.

Back before my XW filed, she said if I asked her to make a decision, it would be to move out. I was afraid that her leaving would doom the M. In retrospect I really should have told her to move right then and there. After she filed, my L advised me not to leave, so that's why I stayed. If anything, I think the in-house sep is what doomed the M.

[Verum]

Holding,

I hear you. Its the inability to separate emotionally because we're living together that is getting to me.

Just now, I get a text from my W that two other couples are coming over for dinner. I called her and told her that neither one of us speaks for the other as a couple anymore. She shouldn't be making plans for the two of us. Moreover, the house is joint so she should be telling me before anybody is invited over. She agreed to both. She asked if dinner was OK, and I said yes since you already invited them. I then said goodbye and hung up.

She called back immediately because she said she wasn't done talking. I honestly thought we were done. She started to explain why she invited them. I asked her if she agreed with what I said about not speaking for each other as a couple and invitations to the house. She does. We ended the telephone conversation.

I then called her back and said, "No, I do have a problem with it. I don't want to pretend like we're a happy couple in front of our friends."

She responded, "you don't have to"

I said, "Its my house too, and I'm not going to leave." I asked her to cancel the dinner. She said she would.

Someone please confirm this is crazy behavior on my W's part. Am I responding and acting in a smart way? I feel like my W is cherry-picking the good things from the MR and wants to keep them, but drop some other parts. I'm trying to make the idea of D a package deal.

[Jim1234]

this is one of the issues that makes an in house separation so hard. She has every right to invite friends over for dinner. And you have every right to not have friends over for dinner.

As to whether you should have cancelled dinner, I have no idea. On the one hand, I thought having enjoyable times together might make her rethink how miserable she was, and leave the path to reconciliation open. On the other hand, I don't think it changed anything.

Of course she is cherry picking. It's not crazy. She wants it all. Who wouldn't? My WAW tried to do that with the my niece's wedding and the holidays. It was a rude awakening to her that she wasn't welcome, but that didn't change anything either.

I think the bottom line is if you act in an honorable, respectful way, while still looking out for your interests, you'll be able to know you've done everything you could, to the best of your abilities, even if it doesn't work out in the end.

[Verum]

Of course she is cherry picking. It's not crazy. She wants it all. Who wouldn't? My WAW tried to do that with the my niece's wedding and the holidays. It was a rude awakening to her that she wasn't welcome, but that didn't change anything either.

I think the bottom line is if you act in an honorable, respectful way, while still looking out for your interests, you'll be able to know you've done everything you could, to the best of your abilities, even if it doesn't work out in the end.

Jim, I think this is one of the best responses I've received -- full of wisdom and I agree. My W is a major cake-eater and wants to keep all the good things about the MR and discard the bad (which at this point other than her telling me she no longer loves me, I'm not sure what was bad anymore).

In my case, and this particular instance, I think asking her to cancel was the right thing for me. I didn't want to play happy couple entertaining guests in front of our mutual friends. I also did not like her presumption that she could make plans for us as a couple. I told her we no longer speak for each other as a couple. I texted the four friends (two couples) who were going to come over that I was sorry and explained I just couldn't sit around the dinner table having a good time when earlier in the day I was with a lawyer about the D. The friends all understood.

When I got home I could tell my W was pissed. She didn't say anything about the dinner, but she asked if I would be available this week to go to the bank so she could take my name off the joint account. I told her I was available, but I wasn't going to do that. Something else for her to be angry about.

Later at crossfit, she was super enthusiastic, I think trying too hard to show she's happy. Afterwards, we ate with my girls as a family the dinner she planned to share with our friends. The conversation was mostly about school stuff with the kids, but I did say aloud how good the dinner was . I couldn't help myself. The W was not amused and didn't acknowledge the compliment. She went to bed early on the couch telling me the day didn't go well for her.

[Jim1234]

I didn't want to play happy couple entertaining guests in front of our mutual friends.

I understand completely how you feel. It's emotionally exhausting. It would probably have been awkward for your friends, too.

I know you know this, but she's going to be angry a lot of the time because you're not letting her eat her cake, and it's probably going to get worse.

If she's anything like my W, I think a lot of the enthusiasm she's going to show is to convince herself how happy she is. At least that's what I tell myself.

I don't see a lot of passive aggression in your posts, but commenting on the meal.... just don't turn it into a habit...

What kind of flying do you do? Getting your private, instrument, glider, helicopter.... and what do you fly?

[Verum]

What kind of flying do you do? Getting your private, instrument, glider, helicopter.... and what do you fly?

I have my private pilot license. I fly a Cessna 172. I've been putting in some hours to build my proficiency back up because I'm going to take my D17 to visit colleges in the spring. I'm also going to try to get the W to help pay for the flights since its to help D17 select a college to go to ...

[Jim1234]

Lol. Good luck getting her to pay for your hours. Good for you. It will be a good way for you and D17 to spend time together.

I would suggest working on getting your instrument ticket. It may not happen before the spring, but it will make it far more likely you actually get to your destinations. In California, it may not seem like there's much need for it, but it will also make you a far better and saver pilot.

[DonH]

Good advice from Jim. I got my private in September of 1991 and started instrument training in January of 1992 - all in a 172. While there is still going to be times where you are better off on the ground than in the air, it really increases your chances of getting there and for sure it will make you a better pilot. It's a great GAL as well. Sadly costs have really factored in. Even so, I'd never trade anything for all of the memories and all of the trips since I stared flying over 25 years and about 1,100 flying hours ago.

[Verum]

Jim and DonH, yes I think working on the instrument rating is a good idea. Flying has been a great GAL activity and oddly I probably wouldn't have accomplished it except for BD #1.