FC, Are you considering the granny suite as an option even with D? I know most on the board prefer separation from MH, but personally I think for someone who seems to not be too emotionally reactive, increased contact with W might be better for you. If the primary thing missing is intimacy and sex, who knows what might happen even after D.
It is not off the table as an option. My property is such that if we built a granny unit in the back, there is a separate driveway entrance and you would barely see it from the house. So there is a lot of privacy. I think the local ordinance limits the size to 600 sq. ft., but we lived in an apartment that size and it was fine.
The main motivation for the granny unit is preserving our standard of living, make joint custody easy -- hey kids, go visit your mom in the backyard . About the MR, frankly I'm starting to feel like I'm done.
Unusual for me not to have much to say, which is maybe a good thing. On Friday I had a work related dinner and went out to eat. I did text the W and D17 that I would be home later than usual. Came home at about 8pm and W was relaxing on the bed in the MBR. She eventually left to go to the couch.
On Saturday I left around 9am to do some of my GAL activities. Came back about 4pm and W was gone "to do errands" my D11 told me. I then received a series of 3 emails about reconciling our joint banking account. I guess she went to a Starbucks to try to calculate our finances. I spent an hour at a new opening at a golf course 5 minutes from my house. Had a glass of wine with a friend there. Came back and did pizza with my girls for dinner. The W came home about 9:30pm with home-made creme brulee that we all ate.
On Sunday, did crossfit in the morning, and spent most of the afternoon basking in the sun on the patio, reading, and drinking wine. While I was outside, my W was lying in D11's bed. Probably on her phone. I went again to another work related dinner. Came home about 7pm. The W and I then did our financial business of figuring out how to split the household bills. It was very business like. We both went to bed afterwards.
My W is usually the one making lots of social commitments and doing lots of activities. I notice these past two weeks that it seems like the opposite. My schedule is packed with activities, and she's been spending much more time at home.
I don't think DB-ing is going to change anything. We live side-by-side in the house together with little interaction. I may have actually seen her for only a few hours, no conversations other kids or household business. No touch. If fact, as time goes on, I'm less and less interesting in reconciling. I am projecting this feeling onto her since I assume the distance between us is also killing any feelings she may have for me.
I met with my L about my response to the D petition. I checked the box that I disagree with the reason for D, which is irreconcilable differences. I also wrote on the form, "We could have a good marriage, if, and only if, W works on it with me".
The L said it didn't matter what I put because only one side needs to want the D. She suggested I remove the note, but also said from a legal perspective it wouldn't effect anything. The court clerk would accept the form and file it.
I wrote the note because it's how I felt, and I thought I would let her know that the door is open for recon if she wants it. I didn't submit the form yet, and now I'm thinking I should just check the box that I agree with her and remove the note I wrote. I was thinking it is too much pursuit and she probably already realizes I would consider recon.
any thoughts?
BTW, there's a lot of other things I would want to write on the response, but the court would probably take a dim view of it
This is interesting because I was thinking about that as well. My H checked off those boxes as well but I want to contest it. But the reality is only one person has to want it. What did you ultimately decide to do?
I probably would not include the note but I without any doubt would not accept or attest to anything you do not agree with! I'm not sure W will see any of this or not but be true to yourself. Hell this is court where you must agree to tell the whole truth and nothing but. If it's not true or you don't believe it to be, don't agree to it. Just say, I don't agree that we have irreconcilable differences and leave it at that. She does not need to agree with you either.
Do not pursue but don't do anything to help her get the D completed and don't agree with anything you do not think is accurate.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
FC, I suspect it won't matter what you put. If it gives you satisfaction, put it down that way.
On an agreement we had so she could use marital money to buy her new house, her lawyer stuck some BS about what I was getting out of the agreement (which was absolutely NOTHING) in the document, and I crossed it out, and made sure it read, defendant is "doing this out of pure loving kindness". It didn't matter, but it made me feel better that she AND her lawyer had to sign it. And who knows? If it goes before a judge, maybe it will show that I'm not the a$$hole she wants to make me to be.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
It is what I think so I will keep the box checked that I disagree but I think I'll remove the note I wrote. I will submit the form the first week of February ( I get a month to respond).
Originally Posted By: Jim1234
FC, and I crossed it out, and made sure it read, defendant is "doing this out of pure loving kindness". It didn't matter, but it made me feel better that she AND her lawyer had to sign it. And who knows? If it goes before a judge, maybe it will show that I'm not the a$$hole she wants to make me to be.
We went as a family on what has become for us an annual ski trip. We drove up and did everything as if we were together. My W and I even slept in the same bed for the first time in two months.
When we got home there was an incident that led to a relationship talk with tears and hugs between the two of us. When we got home, after unloading the car, my W left to go somewhere. She was texting much of the way home. I hate clutter and started putting everything away, including her bag next to the guest room. She came home about an hour later and was dyeing her hair in the bathroom. She needed the shampoo which was in her bag. She asked D11 to get it, who couldn't find it and went back and forth a few times.
Later that night she came into my room and in a low, calm voice asked that I not move her things. This started a fight because of course both of us have pent up anger and resentment. I had accused her of doing things since our in-house separation started. She explained herself and I validated her perspective. She started crying and I hugged her and she hugged me back. We have mediation scheduled for next week, and I asked her if she has a plan. She says no. I asked her about her proposal to build a granny unit. We discussed it, but the proposal is dead now that she thought of it more.
I asked her why she keeps inviting me to things, and why she wants to be with me. She answered she doesn't want to be with me (ouch), but it is awkward for our friends.
During the conversation, I learned one thing that bothered her was she felt she had no space or privacy. I have done a 180 on this.
She told me that she was a push-over. Some of her D'd friends told her this. Why is she a push-over? Because she left the master bedroom and is sleeping on the couch. My moving her stuff upset her because she already feels homeless and put out.
I told her that my goal was to act honorably throughout because I wanted to look back on events without regret. I started to get emotional and she hugged me.
One issue in my MR is my W expects me to read her mind. I told her I cannot read her mind and she just has to tell me, especially now.
I don't know how we got on the subject, but I plan on taking my girls on a special vacation with me for my 50th b-day. My W asked if I bought tickets yet. She asked if I expected her to pay half. I said no, and she said maybe she will as a b-day gift to me.
The next day I texted my W about her availability to be served my response to the D papers. She responded about 3 hours later. When I got home we ate dinner as a family and my W and I talked about politics and Trump. I helped D11 with homework and D17 with signing up for the SAT. Afterwards, we talked briefly about our daughters and school.
I really feel that D is inevitable at this point. My W has bottled up resentment and unhappiness from our MR. What bothers me most is she didn't ever communicate it to me. I remember asking her once a couple of years ago what she thought a good marriage was, and she answered it just was.
I also have learned from my L and others to expect the D to take about a year.
I've been following your sitch. I'm going to say some things here, and I hope you'll listen:
1) You need to start detaching. Hard. GALing is not the same as detaching, btw. I think a lot of people get confused about that. GALing is a process used to detach, but they are not one and the same. Check out the detachment thread (I can't remember where it is, but someone will know. Sorry!)
2) Although your wife is not openly defiant and disrespectful to you, I would definitely classify her as WW.
Your journalling is leading me to believe that she is having either an EA and probably a PA with someone local.
The "cake eating" she is doing is what leads me to that opinion. "Awkward" for your friends? Really? The "mother-in-law" property is another prime example.
Also the amount of times you comment on her being one her phone, or looking at her phone is a very real symptom of someone else being in the picture.
I know you're buying it because the thought of infidelity is the last possible thing that you would expect; that's how I felt, and many others did too before the realization hit them like a ton of bricks.
3) I don't say this because it changes how you go about your process- you still need to continue to GAL- I say it because maybe this helps you to drop that rope and realize that there is someone else in the picture and that realization will help you to detach more quickly.
You cannot work on a M while someone else in in the picture. you can put the M on hold and come back to it when they are ready to work, but she will never be ready until there is no one else on her mind.
Personal Connection: When my W was wayward, she was seeing an OM from far away. During piecing and MC, she shared a lot of what she was thinking when she was in the fog. There were some very clear examples of eating cake, or how she thought she could keep "everything" once we were D'd
A WW's thought process comes up with really messed up ways to take good men and fathers and keep them in their lives so that they can do whatever they want on the side.
One of her thoughts was that I (me, the LBS) would "be just fine" moving to this new town hundreds of miles away from our current location so that we could still share custody of the kids and be "one big, happy, family." I was going to be "friends" with OM, etc. So she gets all the benefits of me in her and the boy's lives, while having OM be her "romantic interest." Talk about feeling worthless.
I gave her tons of space thinking she just needed to "figure things out." turns out she was using that "space" to drive to see OM. I was oblivious until I wasn't.
4) In no uncertain terms, you NEED to make her realize exactly what D looks like (i.e. you are not friends and you will not be there for her). There are real, lasting consequences to breaking up a marriage and that needs to be clearly outlined to her.
Right now, she feels like everyone is going to get along just fine. Make her realize what she's losing.
End.
If I'm way off base here, someone please tell me. I'm just seeing all of the "red flags" I ignored when I was trying to figure out what the heck I did to deserve getting bomb dropped so suddenly. Fast, you seem like a really decent guy who has a lot going for him and it looks to me like there's something else going on here. I could be wrong, but once you see the "script" and understand that the behavior is the same across a very wide spectrum, you have to call it like you see it.
. About the MR, frankly I'm starting to feel like I'm done.