LH: Yeah, whatever fear that was there is completely gone. As for D, I still have time, but I know that the biggest fear that I had about it - that W would think her wanting a S was the right thing to do and I would come around to that thinking - is completely gone. I truly don't care at this point what she thinks. I'll do the D because it's for me.
J dawg: I have been a bit frustrated, but more about why I am doing what. I want things to have a purpose behind them and my stand about not wanting to be the one to file D was driven so much by emotion. I feel like not wanting a D for me just continues a path of devaluing myself - why should I keep standing for someone who has no interest in being with me or values me? I was trying to find the reasons that made sense to me. And none of them do. Just trying to come to a place of deep understanding about myself so that I can make informed decisions.
There is time – at least six months – for her to show me something different. If not, I will file. I don’t care if it makes her think she was right about whatever. The only real DB philosophy that I will continue is NC/staying dark and self-improvement. I am done with her, but as AS says, give it a few more months and see if you still feel that way. The hourglass has started.
I agree that if come six months from now you feel the same way, then you should file. You would have been physically separated for a year, and if the W is not making any indications toward Recon, and you have been able to grow and detach, then you'll be ready. I also don't want the D, but now that my W has filed, I must do everything possible for my kids and my best interests. Sometimes this causes me to do things that will anger my W or make it less likely we will ever recon, but that is the nature of the D process.
I felt like that standing for the MR and not being the one that files for D was the more superior position, and I got attracted to that 'superior' position rather than examining why I didn't want to file for D. When I did the examination, I couldn't think of a good reason. I don't care if it angers W or hurts some unknown factors for recon. If she wanted a different outcome, she's had every single day since the S to do something about it.
M....ok I get it now. I can tell you from my experience you are probably more ready to file than what you think you are and while I didn't initiate it I am happy and looking forward to being divorced.
I felt the same things you did towards the end, questioning why, how long, etc. IMO I don't think you can completely 100% detach while in limbo due to that ounce of hope you are holding on to. On the flip side while detachment is good for us (the LBS) I could feel my W gradually slipping away more and more each day as the separation continued and the distance grew.
It is a personal decision so I can't advise you on what to do other than to make sure you are at peace. I got to the point to where I was at peace with any outcome. If you are at peace then you have clarity.
I don't regret standing, I am thankful for the time my W gave me and I am thankful that she didn't rush into filing.
I know it's a hard decision but don't be scared. There is peace on the other side.
File for D because it is the best for you. And as your L advises.
In some sitches early filing is vital and in others in makes no difference.
To your future and those of your kids.
Cards, chest close any order.
You are no longer a couple, it's your interests that determine your future. A wayward like the G can play games with D filing, and you can lose control.
Extreme self care includes paying the bills and having money in retirement.
Just saying
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Yeah one of my biggest issues was with me being the one who initiated the D. But as I see it, I am basically living D without the formal paperwork. W and I don't talk beyond kids. I am completely NC/dark with her and vice versa.
She did send me a couple of random texts recently centered around the kids, but it was stuff that wasn't important. Kinda like, hey this happened and D is grumpy today. And I responded with something pleasant and chill and no response back. Weird, but don't care why she was doing that.
100% detachment is hard when there is this ambiguity, you're right. I've also felt that the situation has just been eroding over time.
I am at peace but I can't file for another 4 months is a bit annoying. But maybe I need the full 12 months to pass to have as much certainty as I would need.
I am with you about not regretting to stand. I think it was important to do that so that decisions aren't made purely out of emotion or impatience. But I am at a place where I feel a lot more stable and I am looking ahead. And I need a really good reason to continue to stand, which I don't have right now.
I also don't think I have it in the tank to go through piecing because I know that it has to include serious IC for W for a long time. That is something she will very likely not do. So, I know what my decision would be at that point. Because I know this I am thinking ahead.
I wish her the best, but I'm almost to the place of being done.
M....I agree and can tell you I felt everything that you are currently feeling. I think it made easier with no proof of OM to stand but in the end and even now when I see her there is nothing there for me emotionally.
I was prepared to stand for a year. It would have been hard to continue without any movement on her part. If the general rule is 1 mth for every year of MR then I would think you will know what to do after the year is over.
I wish nothing but the best for her, I hope she is happy and healthy. TBH the D process has been very easy so far. My W and I have agreed on everything. L costs will be very minimal so I am grateful that we have been able to maintain a respectful relationship for each other throughout the process.
J - when you see your W now, does she even look like her past self? I see my W and wonder what the hell happened? I see her and she's nothing like her past self.
There is no proof of OM, but I have a very hard time believing that there isn't one. But, it's not even worth my time to investigate that or let it occupy my mental space.
I am still angry. It's like she's completely erased the past and is someone new and different. When I see that, standing for the MR just looks so pathetic.
