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Good for you M .... I would imagine dude is wondering wtf is going on as his applecart was just flipped after 4 years of sitting there with no movement.

I think in sitches like this the LBS knows when its time and in your case its time. There was just nothing moving but the moss growing on his north side and I honestly think you would be doing this till your son had his degree if nothing happened.

Cheers to your new year!


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Hey Mleigh, just popping in to see how you are doing.

You have been at this for a long time and have fought a good fight. It's hard to fight for something with someone who is stuck in one place. The sentence he keeps repeating about things will be the same if you reconcile is getting pretty old. If he wants things to change then he needs to be the change. He is looking to you to fix everything with your magic wand!

Hugs (((Mleigh)))

Last edited by job; 01/10/18 10:13 AM. Reason: edited a word for poster

Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Not having a history on your sitch, I just wanted to chime in and say that you sound like you're at peace with your decision and it's a full yes. I hope this new year brings you the future you deserve.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Hey everyone, thank you so much for your presence and support. Cali, I burst out laughing at your Apple cart description, just so true!

I am still reeling from catching up on HaWho!

Ok, Well this week continued to be busy for me. I am on H USAA car insurance policy. I found out, as his spouse, I am a member for life after divorce, and split off into my own insurance policy! I was so worried about losing their great rates and benefits, another weight off my shoulder. I can't describe the joy in separating myself from him one step at a time.

Had a heart to heart with MIL! So her H went on a month long road trip. They are taking the break to decide what to do about their marriage. She is pretty sure they will divorce and is getting her ducks in a row. I took this opportunity to let her know I am going to file myself. I was very careful about anything I said, and let her know I was respectful of her being H mom in this situation. I did tell her though,that I resented the fact that I had to be the one to make the decision and will now be doing the work. Right away she said I should insist that H do this, since he is the one refusing to work on the marriage. I just laughed, told her I have several times and nothing happens. She was very confused by that, said she doesn't understand, is he happy living in limbo?? I told her, I believe he is happy being on his own, that I don't think it's about another person (which she agreed, said she always looks for a sign in his home and has seen nothing) and I don't think he is trying to be cruel, that I think he just simply isn't capable of handling the emotional and physical steps to make this happen. She apologized! She actually apologized, said she was sorry for her son's behavior and never raised him to be this way. I told her I appreciated that, but at this point, you really can't blame the parents as H is a grown 45 year old man and is making his own choices.

She suggested that she would tell S that he should be the one to do this. I told her no, at this point, I am ready and willing to handle this. I didnt share this with her, but between us here, I actually WANT to be the one to do this, for me, for a step towards my freedom from him. I feel empowered now by doing this step. Again, fear is gone. Now it's just about me and taking care of this. MIL also compared where she was at in D with H dad, and D now. She confessed that she had so many regrets with H dad, and wished she had handled things differently instead of rushing the divorce. She said this time, she has given it time and thought, and is going into it with peace. I told her, I know exactly how you feel. We hugged, with a toast to our new year and new lives. I have to chuckle, we have come far in our relationship.

H and I both attended an award ceremony for S on Friday morning. I had meant to bring H a bear claw from work and forgot, so he followed me to my office to get one! Our sitch is so strange, isn't it? I have to laugh, but hope this peace and friendship stays throughout the divorce.

I gave H all the divorce info and have gotten crickets, which was expected. I have chosen who I will work with, so next step is consult appt. Now I need advise. ..wait until after our snow trip in Feb? Or maybe consult but don't file until after snow trip? Just seems it may make it awkward....

Everything going smooth here, now back to catching up. Wishing us all a nice night.
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Mleigh - I so understand you feeling the need to take the power back after so many years of patience. Funny thing is that I feel my power has been given back to me by my h filing. Being Catholic it takes the decision out of my hands and leave me no choice but to go forward. Gosh, if he slows down this process though, yikes ...

As for when to do it, do it like my h is doing it: text him 24/7 insisting he do the next step RIGHT NOW! Then send him nasty messages when he does not comply.

I understand the peace you feel. I am right there with you. I am very sad for my kids, but I loved your line that this is not what I wanted but we'll get through it as a family. So very dignified. I may steal that one.

Your h is not well. What a phenomenal waste of four years. It's quite frustrating to watch. So must wasted time.

I wish you continued peace and happiness in 2018.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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If I were in your shoes, I would do the consult before the trip and then filing upon your return. It's going to take a wile for all of the paper work to be completed and you would like to have some idea what will transpire.

You handled your meet up w/our MIL very well. Hopefully she won't say anything to your h about him doing the work. I understand your thoughts on doing it yourself and you will handle the process w/dignity and grace because that's the person you are.

As for the insurance, another positive for you and I'm sure you are happy to be able to keep the USAA insurance. They are a great company.


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Hi everyone,

HW, I have to say, I don't feel like the 4 years were a waste. Maybe they were for H, but for me, It gave me and S time to adjust to living the divorced life. It also gave me the time to get grounded, stronger and more emotionally ready for the next steps. I can look back with no regrets, no what if's. H being stuck was a gift for me, he on the other hand seems a bit off balance by the current changes.

Job, all my instincts say to wait until after the trip to file, but there are more changes now.....

I have an appt with a paralegal on Monday. It's a consult to see what the process would be. I was thinking this would be the easiest and cheapest way, since H and I seem to be in agreement about things, until we chatted today...

I let H know about the appt. He said he would take care of this if I want. (His mom must have said something) Sorry, but I laughed and said I want to make sure this just gets done. I also asked his opinion, do we file before or after the snow trip? H said it would probably be something hanging over us if we file before, but if I need to do this now, to do what I need to do. It turned into a conversation about assets, custody and child support. He feels what he pays each month, 1/2 the mortgage only, is good enough, since he is letting me live in the house. If I want support, then he would rather have more custody. And he doesn't feel like he should reimburse me for new carpet and landscaping I paid on my own because he doesn't get to live at home and enjoy it. Looks like things are sinking in and the truth is coming out! It wasn't a fight, we kept the conversation light, but it was an eye opener for me. Neither of us know much about our rights and we need guidance.

I will still meet with the paralegal for the consult and information, but I am now thinking mediation would be a better way to go. The downfalls are it's more expensive and there is nothing less than 40 minutes from home. The positive is that he will have to participate in this, it won't all be on me, that we will get clarification and guidance, and have someone with experience helping us through this. I want him to deal with every single step of this with me. No more taking the load, which I tend to do, to myself. I also tend to give in to avoid conflict, and I need to make sure I protect myself.

I drove away from his house feeling this huge weight on my shoulder, but mediation should take it all off my hands. I realize it makes much more sense. So I will keep appt with paralegal for myself. Then have H and I consult with mediator. Then go from there, whichever feels right.

The anxiety is back, upset stomach, some fear....I just keep telling myself, it will be ok. I can do this. And I definitely prefer this over another year in H la la land.

The stress is different now than BD. Back then, I turned to friends for distraction, wine for escape....now I am craving space for thinking and exercise for clarity. I just want to keep my mind clear and alert. It's a very different place for me, seems healthier.

So on a strange note, S brought home an essay from school. It talked about his winter vacation. He outlined that he spent part of it staying at his dad's house on certain days, and he put in parenthesis, no, his parents are not divorced. My stomach just sank when I read that. Then guilt....but then I wondered, does he even know what divorce is or what it means? I took the opportunity to talk with him about it. I let him know divorce means different things for different families. I told him, in our situation, nothing much would change, that it wouldn't be much different then now, just that mommy and daddy would no longer be married to each other. My goal was to assure him that things would be the same as they are now. I also explained that me and daddy are friends, and plan to stay that way no matter what happens. I didn't tell him it is happening, but I did tell him that daddy and I are talking to decide what to do, as marriage should not be like this. He said he understood. I also gave H a heads up about the talk.

Last Monday, I got a text from FIL asking if we were still on for that night. Apparently H planned on us getting together at my home with his dad to exchange Christmas gifts, but he forgot to tell me. His mind amazes me. The night went well, but H was extremely distracted. He was on his phone the entire time and oblivious of conversation. I couldn't believe his dad ignored his behavior, he said nothing. At one point, H went outside to load presents. After about 5 minutes of the front door being left open in 50 degree weather, I went out to check on H and he jumped and almost dropped his phone trying to shove it away. Suspicious?? Very. God what I would do to know what is really going on in his world. But better yet to just cut myself out of it. I can never be married to a man who hides things.

The next morning he messaged asking if his wallet was here, he lost it. Didn't surprise me, he was way scattered. Not sure if he ever found it, I never asked.

I have a Dr appt this week for a check up. My body is doing strange things. Not sure if it's stress, but want to rule out anything medical.

I also have a concert Friday night, and a massage tomorrow. Some fun and relaxation should help me to unwind.

Thanks for reading, your support helped me through some very tough times and I believe there are more to come. Wishing you all a good weekend.
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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For those of you who know me, things sink in and I come back to post more!

I just want to add something that keeps coming back to me in my conversation with H today. When he was stating why he shouldn't have to pay child support, he said he is already losing so much time with S, that he rarely gets to see him, and he doesn't get to live in the house he owns....he said he is already losing so much, and now I want more money? He said why should he be the one to lose in every way?

I did tell him all of that is his choice, not mine. He started in again, said I am blaming him...So I stopped it there. I said let's not go here once again, I want more for my life and I deserve better than this.

I am trying to process this. Is he still not owning up to his choices? Is he still playing victim? Or is he starting to realize the reality of what has happened and what is happening? He is throwing me off with these pity party moments....I agree with him, he has lost everything, but isn't this what he wanted in exchange for his freedom??


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Hey mleigh thanks for the update.

I am sorry to hear that you are having some health issues. I realise this is a different kind of stress to BD bur it still can't be much fun. Maybe there is something in getting everything over and done with straight away so not to prolong the agony but as you say these last four years have helped you grow and live as a divorced family so you are now ready to take the next step.

Your H's behaviour makes me wonder if he wants everything to stay just as it is because it is working for him? There was an old poster, I can't remember her name who lived on a farm and her H would come by every day to work on the farm. He had an OW who he would see every now and again but was very cold and dinstant towards his W. She off course was very in love with him and desperately wanted to reconcile but he refused. Then after a couple of years she started to get attention from a friend and decided to go through with the D. Well you could have knocked her down with a feather! Her H was shocked and begged and pleaded with her not to go through with it because he thought they could continue to carry on the way they were because it was working for HIM! Needless to say she had enough and continued with the D. I think you are right, your H is starting to realise his much he will lose in this divorce...

(((mleigh)))


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Hi Mleigh, sorry to hear about your medical symptoms. Hopefully a consultation will bring some clarity and reassurance for you. It is a stressful time - even if a different kind of stress - and can upset our equilibrium.

In my situation, I found there was a disconnect between how my XH thought things would be divided in our D and how the law said they should be divided. It seemed to help having his L in the mix, because I think she gave him a reality check on how this would actually work. I wouldn't expect your H to be with you every step on the way in this. The most I would aim for is reasonable cooperation, with you (and you both if he chooses so) being supported by legal advisors.

Yes, maybe your H is casually seeing someone or maybe dabbling with OLD - who knows? But certainly suspicious behaviour from what you describe. I think the scattered thinking is common from what I read on the forums. My XH would sail past junctions he regularly took, just because he was 'elsewhere' in his mind.

I would just try and maintain a 'bigger picture' perspective here. You want to D, and maintain a reasonable relationship for your S's sake. You also want to achieve a fair division of marital assets and agree suitable financial arrangements going forwards.

I agree, that it is unlikely to be plain sailing, given that you already have differing views on how this should work. But if you aim for grace during the process yourself - even whilst standing up for what is fair - that is what I would go for...

Take care and I hope you feel better soon xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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