New Year, new thinking..

[devvo]

Coly, mindreading is indeed a crazy game, especially when the subject of your mindreading attempts is not at all rational. In this case though, I think what *you* think is reasonable is the issue here.

Assuming that H's friend told him what you'd said, do you think that second-hand information about you confiding your doubts that he liked ML with you to a girlfriend is a good enough reason to fire you from your job as wife? Really?

IMHO, whilst a once-off or very occasional discussion of personal matters with somebody else could make a marriage partner very embarrassed and angry, it's quite a long bow to draw to say it gives them good reason to separate. If anything it highlights a couple of things that might have needed looking at, but to say it left you deserving of divorce is simply not reasonable.

[Coly23]

Hello All! Thanks for your posts. I know I am probably being irrational but it's the not knowing that makes me go out of my mind. At least if I knew exactly why he left, even if it is painful to hear, I can start the process of dealing with it and healing. Maybe he doesn't know himself but it just makes it harder to move on.

Devvo, your post really did make me think I am probably being irrational but my H is behaving in a very immature manner so I still think this might be something that he would do. I just don't trust him anymore.

Journaling: I eventually bought something to help with my insomnia. It's herbal and worked the first night I took it. The second night I didn't need it but last night I took the tablets and they did nothing for me. In fact I felt very emotional last night and cried a bit but even that didn't help me to sleep!

Yesterday, my parent's came over and helped me with a few jobs around the house. The did a lot of work in my bedroom and showed me that things aren't as bad as I thought they were so now I feel a little more confident to start redecorating (thanks also for the plastering tips AP!). They were also excited to hear of my plans to maybe sell the house and have a fresh start. It's great that they are so supportive.

No word from H on when he can come and help to sort out the loft. He is still controlling the situation by saying he will let me know when he is free to come over. Should I contact him and suggest a date of just leave it for him to contact me? I just feel like I am doing all the arranging and chasing him down when he is the one who want's out. I know he would do anything to abpvoid doing any work in the house. He has always hated it! I am starting to see that he forced himself a lot if the time ti behave like a husband and father when all he would rather do is have fun in his spare time. Wouldn't we all! I don't think he realised that having a home and a family meant that sometimes you had to do the rubbishy jobs but that's just part of life. Right now I think he is very happy to be living in rented accommodation with no responsibilities at all!

Anyway, happy Sunday everyone!!

[job]

Coly,

Breathe! You may not ever know why he left or why he's acting the way that he is. That's his problem. You know you had a good marriage until one day the switch was flipped. Keep the focus on you and your daughter. This is his issue to figure out and worrying about something like this will drive you bonkers.

I'm glad your parents came over and helped you out. You have wonderful, supportive parents who are there to help you. Don't be afraid to ask them....

As for h, give him two weeks. If he doesn't come over within the two weeks, send him one more text message and state "if you do not arrange a time to pick up your belongings by February 17th, I will arrange for a local charity (your choice Coly) to pick them up." Do not haggle with him on the dates, stand firm and if he truly wants the stuff, he'll come. He knows that he can play you and he thinks that you will not carry through on anything concerning the stuff...but it's time to make this house your home and if you are thinking of selling, then this stuff needs to be gone.

I know what my xh did and I had to give him a set date and time and let me tell you...he came and got the stuff in two trips. He knew that I wasn't playing when I said that I would contact a local charity and donate the stuff.

Stay firm on what you want done and do not waffle. Set a date after two weeks and document your messages to him about picking his belongings up. It's time to make your home yours.

[Coly23]

Thanks Job, I've decided to put the clearing out of the loft in the back burners whilst I decorate my bedroom. I think as this is something that is necessary to my wellbeing as well the house.

My parents came over again today and my Dad had a plan set out so we can get it done quickly. I am very excited!! It's been a long time coming!

[job]

I can't wait to hear about your redecorating of your bedroom. What colors are you planning to use?

I'm very happy to read that your parents came back over and your dad has a plan. You will definitely enjoy the change in your bedroom. It won't take long to redo it w/your dad helping you.

[Pax_luv]

Good luck with the decorating, Coly! That is a great step in making it your own domain.... Who knows, it may help with the sleeping as well!

[Coly23]

Hi everyone! Just stopping by to do an update and the is to everyone for their support.

My bedroom is all done and I am sooo happy! My parent’s literally did the whole lot! It’s mainly white with one grey feature wall and a lighter shade of grey curtains and accessories. I said to my Mum that I only need 48 more shades of grey... :0)

H organised to come over on Sunday to sort the loft out. I dont know if he is just clueless or is playing at being clueless but he asked me what exactly I wanted him to do in the loft! He asked if it was just sorting out what stays up there and what gets thrown away! I just went back and said that I basically I wanted him to remove his stuff from the house/loft and garage as he said he is never coming back. Two days later he responded that he would make a start on Sunday. Unfortunately me and D were out all day so he had to do it on his own. He texted after to say that he removed everything that he could see was his but that there were a lot of boxes to sort through so he is coming back this Sunday so we can both go through them.

I thought I was okay with it. I mean I am okay with him taking his stuff,I guess it’s just knowing that things are no better between us. I am worried that I will get upset and say something stupid. I wish he had just taken it all at the beginning so I don’t have to go through this now.

Just need some encouraging words from my DB friends..,

[AndrewP]

((Coly23)) - Congrats on the redecorating and making the house into more of a home for you.

I would suggest that your H is indeed just clueless and doesn't comprehend that your reality is different than his.

I'd like to suggest though that you perhaps have your dad or someone else you trust be there and go through the stuff with him rather than doing it yourself if you do the division that way.

My ex is seeing another man and has made it clear that she prefers him to me, but even seeing her out the window last night when she dropped off S23 gave me a pang. I don't think I could cope even now with being in the same room dividing up stuff. I did struggle a bit yesterday because when cleaning the kitchen I noticed on the bottom of the paper-towel holder that it was marked as a gift her from her mother who died last week. I haven't decided yet what to do with it. She's been through the house about 4 times, and this item was still left. In fact she still had her house key until the last visit when she gave it to S23. Was she having difficulty letting go? Was she just thoughtless? I'll never know.

My own opinion, is that our former partners chose to leave and have both been gone for about the same amount of time albeit under slightly different circumstances. If the objects they left behind were important to them, they would have come for them. I boxed up things for my ex and made the choices about what would go / stay. Since it was in boxes she had little choice in what she took and in the note I sent her I told her that the boxes contained "things I didn't want in a life without her". As part of the separation agreement, and much to the surprise I believe of my ex and the lawyers, I suggested she have one last supervised trip through the house to take things I might not have boxed. She took very little and it was mostly items that I was going to donate to a charity.

I would suggest you do something similar, make the choices about what stays / goes independently. If it mattered to him, he would have gotten the items a year ago.

Just my thoughts - you'll need to walk your own path on this, but try to make sure that it's a path that you feel strong enough to be on.

[job]

Coly,

Congratulations on your redecorating of your bedroom. The color combo sounds beautiful, soft and relaxing. I'm sure you are thrilled with the redo and now...you'll be thinking of doing other rooms in the future. I'm very happy that you did this.

I like Andrew's suggestion on having your dad, mom or a friend be there when he comes over to continue to sort stuff. You may even want to go through the boxes w/your daughter before he comes over and take what you want to keep and repack it new boxes and label them as yours. That way, you do not need to be around him when he sorts what he wants and or doesn't want.

BTW, yes, your h is very clueless. He doesn't understand why you would want him to sort stuff and remove his belongings. I also agree w/Andrew that if things had any real meaning for him, he would have taken them or come back for them along the way...so, yeah, it's time to take all of that stuff and I would venture to guess that it will remain boxed up at his place until he moves and then he may very well toss or donate the stuff. It's all part of his past, a past that he really doesn't want to be bothered w/while in crisis.

I think you handled this situation beautifully!

[Coly23]

AP and Job, thank you both so much for your posts.

I am not sure I want anyone, either family or friends with me. It almost seems like such an intimate thing, going through all the things that represented our marriage, it will just feel awkward. However, I haven't ruled it out yet.

AP, I am sure there is a lot of stuff he doesn't need however do you remember how he left the majority of his clothes and 95% of his suits in the wardrobe for nearly a year until I asked him to collect them. He now wears all the clothes he couldn't bring himself to pick up before.

Something else that is bugging me a bit is that he is very matter of fact about everything. His texts are chatty and friendly, asking me how I am, how my weekend is, how the decorating is going, blag, blah, blah... I know I should be grateful he doesnt spew at me like some but on the other hand his niceness grates on me. I have got into the habit of not responding to his niceties anymore because to me it all sounds so insincere. I do not want to be his friend!

In other news. Myself and D have had some e-mail contact with my ex-H, her Dad. We have now found out he has been married for about 7 years! D was upset. Not because he is married but because he didn't tell her for all that time. I told him I was happy for him and apologised for my part in the breakdown of our marriage. He in turn apologised for his part and we agreed that we will communicate for anything to do with D. I am hoping that their relationship will grow. They have a lot of catching up to do!

At least I have a whole week to build up the courage and strength to go through with Sunday. I just need lots of pep talks from you all to keep me on track!!