New LBS dealing with WW Part 3

[Joe2017]

I feel so awful. I feel like I could have prevented all of this from happening if I had only listened to my wife. She told me what I wasn't doing enough of. She told me. I didn't listen. I was too busy doing other things or worse, nothing. I miss her so so much. She was my best friend. We were always there for each other. And now she's gone. I wasn't man enough to keep her. I loved her so so so damn much. I thought she loved me too. I thought we had it all.

I never stopped working to make a better life for my family. I went back to school to get a better job. I graduated and got that job! Yes, my workouts stopped. I didn't have time like I once did. Maybe I gained some weight. But my paychecks were way bigger. I was going to work at my body again, I just couldn't at the time. Did I get too ugly? Too fat? I did start working on it again, but at the end of our M. I'm down 30+ pounds now. But it doesn't even matter.

I couldn't be the man she wanted and she left me for a loser.

I wasn't good enough. I can't stop crying right now. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't believe I failed everyone in my life. I just didn't put in the work that she asked me to do. I let myself slide and paid the price.

I feel like this is all my fault. I know everyone (even me) says it's hers. But I know it's not. And now it's too late.

I think I changed her into WW and that hurts me so much. I miss my wife more than I knew I could miss anyone. I feel alone no matter who I am around or how many people are with me.

I feel so remarkably guilty for all of this. I never wanted this to be this way. My heart feels so empty all of the time. Even my kid doesn't bring me joy like he should.

NC and DB is so so so hard for me. It's 100% opposite of my true personality. I'm compassionate, I'm loving, I'm a great communicator. I'm loyal and respectful. It's so hard being the opposite of my nature to the woman I love every day. It's taking such a toll on me, but I know it's my only chance at recovery OR recon (as if that fantasy would EVER happen at this point).

What a lousy pity party I'm having right now. I just don't have ANYONE to talk to about this. Nobody understands what I am going through. I hardly even have any friends left from pre marriage, and all my post marriage friends are hands off now due to the D.

What did I do to screw my life up this bad? Why does God have this in His plan for my family?

I wish I could go back and fix all the problems I introduced. I wish I could have been a better man for my wife and my family.

I am just ranting now. Thank you for all of you kind words Surfer and Vanilla. I feel like the only people that understand me are here on this board.

I'm trying so hard to be strong. I am running out of strength. I haven't felt this bad since the first week after BD. I feel so broken and lost.

[Vanilla]

OK have a pity party. It's ok, we all do it!

In fact it's something you have to have, don't resist it.

Can I recommend you write it DOWN? Create a journal, put it all out in writing.

Every single crime you think you have done or believe you did

How exactly did you make your W go wayward?

How exactly did you turn your W into an abuser?

What magic powers do you have that did that?

-------------------------------

This is a phase in the Kubler Ross grief cycle, enjoy it! I am not joking as it's an important phase of recovery.

Walk into it it's bang on cue.

V

[Joe2017]

How did I make her wayward? Huh.

I didn't give her enough attention, even though I complimented her often. I should have given her more praise on SM.

I was too nice to her at times. I wasn't really a Mr. Nice Guy, but I was too accommodating. I would take charge of situations and she'd balk because of her control issues, and I would relent too often.

My attractiveness suffered. I went from tough guy to desk jockey. Traded a military uniform for a dress shirt and slacks. I gained 30+ pounds. I didn't eat healthy as much anymore.

I was not active enough with her social circles. I should have suggested more planned events, concerts, dates, nights on the town. I should have kept courting her.

I just got so wrapped up in my new job and she was busy with work too. We couldn't connect as much as we did before. I should have made time. I should have MADE more time!!!! Now it's all gone and she's a different person. Oh it hurts so bad!

[Surfer]

Joe

Imagine in decide I want to turn you into anything gross. A man that robs banks, a man that abuses the vulnerable a man that swindles the poor, elderly etc. A murderer - anything. Anything you are not.

That would take a very clever and manipulative plan on my part and you buying into that. What was your plan? When did you first decide to destroy your marriage or to turn your W into a wayward, someone that withheld love, affection and gave it to another. When did you plan to be abused?

Sometimes actions are chosen by others. You do not make anyone perform such actions. They choose them. So in short, you did not cause this. Her behaviour is hers.

Okay, the putting on weight thing. So? Would you have left her if she put a few pounds in but was working hard?

Pity party city. We all do it. You are grieving for loss and ‘feel’ to be to blame. YOU are not to blame for HER actions. Full stop.

Now the sadness is here know you will get through this. It is exactly the same as the death of a loved one. You are accepting what has happenend. Yes we all play a part in this, me, my W felt I did not listen and therefore didn’t care. The fact is I know it is true that she felt that or said she did. But I always listened I just got it the first time and look switched off as she told me the next 5 times. I know this was a ‘fault’ yet I also know that I am not patient and I am sufficiently smart to sort a solution within seconds of hearing the problem the first time. So I know I need to learn to not just listen but to hear until the person talking has exhausted their anxieties. My W was always talking about 1st world issues as if they were 3rd world issues. Something I struggle with. So as she became more and more like that, an emotional vampire, the less I wanted to listen. So in short, we were growing apart. This is all that has happenend to you but her abusive path is escalating and you need to recognise that she probably won’t change.

Grieve, feel sad. You must. Exercise was my solution. It may help you. Find what helps. Self help books etc are but know it is likely that you will never unravel what happenend much beyond what you already know. You will accept it thought and you will be happy.

I remember the times when I struggled to be happy around my kids. I am now happier and more confident around them and our relationship is 10 times better than it ever has been and i was always great. I was bedtime and bath time dad, tickles and fun. Now 10 x that.

Don’t let the kids see you sad. Find space to run, read or whatever. Seratonin is so good for you at these times. Also, go to counselling, hypnotherapy or mindfulness training. The latter you can do for free at any time.

I know it feels unbearable. It is horrid. But this will go, I promise. Keep doing what works.

You have got this better than I did. You may feel you are not coping. You are, you will.

Final point. Do you want to love someone that does not love you? No. Right now she is manipulating and gaslighting you in addition. It’s abuse. You must work on detaching.

You will get there.

Surfer

[TBSakaJ9]

J...I was in your shoes 7 months ago. The pain is real, I cried my eyes out for weeks straight wondering how I got to this point and why was it happening to me. I cried on the board while I was typing, I cried to my mom every morning and evening as i drove to and from work. I cried to my IC and I couldn't talk about it to anyone without crying. It is perfectly normal.

You probably will never know why your W made the choices that she did but please understand that this is more about her than it is about you and your failures as a husband/father.

We all make mistakes, we all wish we could have done things different in our MR's as we reflect on what we could have done to prevent our spouse from leaving. However in the end it is still an individual choice, right or wrong your W made a choice to leave based on how she was feeling, based on how she viewed/percieved things through her lens. Other W's would not have left and would have stayed and have stayed through worse MR's than we had. Ours did not and it hurts.

My neighbor and his W are in their early 30's and have 3 kids ranging from 7-2. She is a teacher and he is a mgmt consultant. He has had 5 jobs in the last 7 years, at 1 period he went a year without working, earned an income through playing fantasy sports. He is never outside with his kids, does not mow his yard, does not wash his cars, does not do household repairs, does not pay the family bills, every time I am at their house he is laying on the couch with a blanket, doesn't court his W, he is active in his church though and does lead bible study. When I look at him and then compare it to Sandi's list of ways a W loses respect for her husband he might be the poster child . I don't know what goes on in-side their house but from an outsiders view they appear to be happy.

My point is that he is probably a far worse husband than you or I however his W stayed/is staying and ours chose to leave. It still boils down to individual choices, individual people, their emotions, how people are wired, etc. It was really probably out of your control.

[Vanilla]

Final thoughts on NC and DB. Things I learned whilst 12 stepping in Gamanon.

This is going to sound counter intuitive to you but these are the most loving caring things you can do.

No one can cause another to be or do anything, sure we can influence them. They have free will. Similarly we can't change them back to a stable soul.

We can provide an environment in which that can happen, DB and NC (amoung others) are such loving environments. We do these out of love for ourselves and our children, to set boundaries to show how we are to be treated. To encourage a loving environment for change.

So, fear not, these behaviours create the best environment for you and WW AND that is loving and compassionate.

V

[Joe2017]

She is back in the house now. She addressed me cordially and spoke to me calmly. Not normally like we used to, but an improvement from earlier this week.

She got all dolled up then headed to the gym where she met OM. This is a huge trigger for me now. I did Sandi's store clerk roleplay. I was calm and collected. She told me she was going to work out. I said "OK." She asked me how I was doing and I said "I'm doing great. I'm sure you're doing great too." She just looked down. I told her that I hope her workout goes well and then made myself breakfast. She left.

I'm so glad there was no conflict. I was dreading it, but we'll see what happens when she returns. She is going to be spending the night somewhere else again. Looks like another night of unbearably painful healing for me. I can't explain all these emotional ups and downs. It's torture.

[Jim1234]

Your pity party, and thinking it's your fault are totally normal, and something we've all gone through. So are your feelings of aloneness. I don't know if it helps you to know this. I'm not trying to minimize you pain by saying we've all been thru it, but to show you you're not alone.

[Joe2017]

Surfer:
I've done a good job detaching. I was at the top of my game earlier this week. I don't know why the emotions are gripping me so tightly.

Last night, sleeping in my own bed alone in an empty house? That killed me. I mean my son was here but... Wow. All of my memories have started to flood back into my mind. All of the great things about my old life that I loved so dearly.

Gone. Forever.

[Surfer]

Joe,

Totally normal these horrible feelings of loss, abandonment and grief. You will blame yourself.

You have been detached at times. I have read that. But full detachment is that. I am really very detached now but even now I still get the odd wobble. It’s rare though. It was 18 months since she left.

I definiately would not have her back. 100%. At my stage it feels like the kind of loss you have for an ex girlfriend. But I rarely feel like that now - it’s just a bit sad if you know what I mean. But hen I am also happy with it. Perhaps in the not too distant future you might reflect on this and think. Wow, I am there too.

The bit you are going through is horrid. I can’t deny it and I feel for you matey. But the good memories are not gone. Your R is on hold. If she changes all good, but she may not. She looked down? Down sad or at the floor? One is sadness and one is shame. If she is asking after you she may still care but she might also be temp testing.

Don’t presume any outcome right now. Just look like the strong confident guy you have been. This hurt, struggling phase is temporary.

You need to convey a strong and happy front for you and the kids - if she sees that and responds you might consider it too late, but that’s you in the driving seat. Think more “OK, you seem to be intent on creating havoc in your life, not a life I want to opt for, for me and the kids thanks. By the way I am going to be the most eligible guy in town.”

There is often and balance of power shift in R’s in such situations. For example, I was always the one who was perhaps more attractive and eligible (sorry this sounds big headed but I can see it, however this was never a problem) yet when she became WW I became weak and perhaps even scared of her (stupid but I did). I kind of stopped the whole ‘you can pack this nonsense in approach” to her spews and was more “hurt by her spews and contright and apologetic” over the gaslighted faults she projected. In short she gaslighted me in to being weak comparatively and I no doubt was less attractive to her. Do I feel bad for this? Do I bo!!ocks, I had someone I loved. I didn’t see the red flags that she was and is a massive manipulator and abuser of my trust, our love and me. Do I hate her - absolutely not. Do I want her - absolutely not. I just think she is an idiot for throwing it all away. But it’s is her choice and I can’t force her so I accept she is a WW and will smile as she disappears in my rear view mirror.

There are two islands now. She has left your island, it is a ramshackle mess to her - but you definitely can cry and wait for her to come back or you can assert yourself and build a raft like an assertive man. Row out to another island that you are in charge of and built an amazing place for you and the kids. Once where dreams hope’s, memories and love will thrive. She will look on with intrigue at your new island and may ever want to visit. Up to you if you let her. She most likely will not want island 1 or you on it - so make island 2. Take control of the island. Eventually, she might have to drift back to island 1, she will find it much more baron than it was, as you will have left and be on the island 2.

Final point, divorce dates are high. There are very few good men out there. Particularly solvent ones that can scrub up well and have manners. You won’t be interested in this now, I appreciate, however, trust me, when you get our mojo back you will not feel lonely for long if you are at all. Granted it takes a few months after S before you get any such feelings. But just wanted to be clear!

Also, give yourself time. I have read that it takes on average 1 month for every year together to detach fully. I agree with that. 18 months in I am getting very close. We were together for circa 20 years.

Get yourself out scrubbed up well and just catch up with a friend or go out. Even if you go for a beer with a work colleague or cinema alone. It will do you good. It will also make her think. Are you getting out?

Keep on track chap.

Surfer.