New LBS dealing with WW Part 3

[Surfer]

Just keep a cool head that’s all you need to do for now. It’s as simple as that. Be you that’s it but always stay cool. Oh and don’t drink or come back after a drink. She will know your guard is down.

Just practical advice. Been there.

Surfer.

[Vanilla]

Yep you have a rager, frustrated because you aren't playing her game.

She is frustrated that her entitled ways are not being met. Like a child whose mother won't buy her a toy.

Oh and projection so, so much projection. Classic script as expected, a good L will set limits.

Smile, it's on cue, it's script and standard.

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According to her, I am going to contest the divorce in hopes of changing her mind, which is not something I discussed with my attorney.

That's because it's herself she is talking about. You have laid ground rules here and it's thwarted her happy ever after dream.

I told my attorney I need some more time to make a decision.

Your attorney will be keeping this confidential.
Hers will have told her that this is a negotiation and there are guidance, rules and processes. Probably she won't get what she wants and it will be slower than she thought.

Anyone who is mature and grounded needs time, the systems are often slowing the process too. You are the adult and behaving like one. How annoying of you.

She is now calling me selfish, manipulative, and pathetic. I'll never be the man she wants to love, etc. Now she is going to fight me for everything, blah blah blah.

Projection. You do know that you are actually the reverse of their description of you when they spew like this? It's a great compliment to be described this way.

Your stance has shook her.

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Goodness gracious. After that long rant detailing how she thinks I'm a pathetic sniveling loser, yada yada and explaining that all communication will go through our lawyers from now on...

Oh yes.

She has texted me several times. Sheesh.

Oh Yes!! She really 'means' what she says as this demonstrates. Afraid the new you will actually call her bluff and her little entitled dream is over. Reality bites. It's a bucket of cold water on her delusions.

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It's all game play on her behalf. Be strong, you are doing great. Resist the temptation to tell her to grow up. Just continue to demonstrate you are an adult and you are responsible for you and she is responsible for herself.

V

[Joe2017]

V, thank you again for another insightful post.

So after a very stressful situation that involved a WW getting extremely emotional and A LOT MORE that I don't want to mention...

She sat down and wanted to talk. OK. I decided I could control the conversation at that point. I did really well. Conversation wasn't more than 5, maybe 8 minutes because of my boundaries.

She started out by lamenting that I would not talk to her during my NC but "now I'll ever know" what she wanted to talk about. OK, that's a BS guilt trip trap. Done talking about that. Next.

She thinks I am delaying the D, because I pled not guilty. No logic there, because we are still in the divorce cooldown. Also, the next round of paperwork hasn't even been done by her lawyer yet. I spent 1 or 2 minutes explaining the process and dropped it. She's just mad because she wants it to be instant. Done talking about that. Next.

She said very clearly that she wants out and does not love me. I said I know that, nothing else to say about that. Next.

She said I was mad because she wants to be with someone else. I assured her IDGAF who she is with. Point blank. I DON'T CARE. So then she tells me I might not want to sleep in the MBR bed (hint hint). I said I don't care, and tucked myself into the sheets (I washed them yesterday). She said that's not the only place. And I replied again, I don't care. That's when she got up and stormed off.

Then she got on the phone with OM, laughing and talking sweet. It's pretty insulting. She was being very loud to the point the kids can hear, even though the point of it was to get me to listen.

A WW has no boundaries at all.

I think today I really did drop the damn rope. I really don't care. I didn't want a divorce but now? I think it is a good idea.

But it does stink and the kids had to hear her going crazy. But my heart isn't hurt or stinging from what she's said.

I'm done, everyone. It's been really good getting the support and help from all of you. You have helped me more than you'll ever know.

But right now, this ultimate disrespect she is showing me and our family is just disgusting and spiteful. I can't have my kid around this mess. I've got to go.

I did absolutely no pursuit behavior today. I think she interpreted her conversation with her attorney as me pursuing. Anyways. After today, my decision is to sign the D and be done.

I'm sure I'll be back here to get more solutions as this progresses, but I've made up my mind to get this done as quick as I can.

[Joe2017]

Oh and also, I am fully aware that the OM in the bed could 100% be a lie. And the phone call could have been completely staged.

It's the level of crazy that she got to today. That's what got me. Not her words or the phone call.

[neffer]

Oh man, that behavior is really disgusting. Take care of yourself and your kid. I am really sorry for the situación you are in.

[Vanilla]

Joe

It's pure manipulation to get you to a place where you leave the house and the MBR.

Might be bulls**t might not be.

It's time to suggest she leave I think, her behaviour is awful at this point and damaging your children. It's cold out there for an entitled WW.

If she does this again record it! Your L can make hay with it.

And the above post is good too as evidence.

You are doing well. Be aware that once you let go ano become done then the behaviour will get worse.

I am here to listen.

V

[Vanilla]

For those who haven't recognised it, the conversation post by Joe with his WW was a spellbreaker.

The point at which he truly saw and let go of the rope.

Handled by a master in detachment. Strong assured and manly.

Becoming a man only a fool would leave.

V

[Surfer]

Joe,

Apologies if this jumps around - I have been reading you back story so am responding to a few of your concerns (I hope).

You are now seeing her for what she is. She is WW not your W. She is all those things Sandi said and IMHO I doubt she will change back' - but she may (but don't work towards this - work towards being the best dad and version of you - "the most eligible man in town" as you quoted in an earlier post).

You have decided you don't want the WW and neither would I. I didn't and I filed.

Thoughts that may help (from exact experience):

- When you get angry and frustrated, as you have recently (which is 100% normal), you loose focus and wobble. Fully detaching is where she can not influence your moods through her actions. It is almost impossible to be 100% impervious but with practice you will improve. You will need this detachment as you move forward, in whatever way you do move forward, because you are parents together.

- When she tries to kick you out of bed. Stay put. My W tried to physically get me out (laughable now but, if I am honest, terrifying at the time). My W slept upstairs in the guest room for 2-3 years and attempted to start the D for no fault in house separation. I contested it - hoping we could R trying to DB. However, she was WW not WAS (I hoped for the former of course). However, I took control of the D which is important - as she was frankly using it as a tool to manipulate (i.e. delaying tactics etc).

- Once she was sleeping upstairs in another room she changed (looked seriously mentally unwell at times) she shifted from raging to raging level 10 - every night when the kids were in bed.

- Now the important bit. PROTECT your kids from her arguments/rages IMHO all children are vulnerable. They can all suffer from PTSD (as you can) if they see these fights even post D (should you go that way). If she tries to argue in front of kids, set the boundary - and if she does not halt, walk out. I know you are getting seriously good at doing this but you must never fail on this. She may try to follow you to pursue the argument. I have been pursued from room to room as I walked away and even locked myself in every bathroom we have had. Serious psycho behaviour and it looked really weak from my perspective - I could have left the house temporarily and did at times. As I loved her, I thought she could change. She could not and never will. She will have the same in her future R's I am 100% confident. Our R is now boundary city and she has much more respect for me as a result. For example, I have just put the phone down from an update on D's hospital visit and you would think we were still M. However, I am not going back there!!! Basically, my point is that your R will improve most likely but you will need to keep working on boundaries.

- Relevant for you now I guess, my WW offered this advice to me "Either you go, or I get somewhere else or move in with my parents". I said, "They sound like options for your to consider, not me". I had finances in lock down at this point. WW then accessed saving I had set aside in her name (a lot, stupidly) and the money and went. It cost a fortune in fairness but the point here is that I am still in MH and that is important from many perspectives. Particularly in terms of non-abandonment, child custody and finances.

- On the convenient baby sitter front. I had this, she went out lost weight (she has put it all, and more, back) started dressing sexy etc. Had wayward friends etc. If you can - don't do it. However, beware the WW becomes like a drug addict and will find a way. Therefore, expect repercussions and fireworks. The best thing to do is put the kids first, this is most important. Keep them from her harm - perhaps therefore take them away. Personally, I would take all the kids. I couldn't leave a step child to feel abandoned. Your call, but I think that would irk me (to say the least). The point is, she will go out anyway, no need to get involved. Just tell her she can do as she pleases why would you care - she is having an affair and you don't want a R with someone like that, you are too good for that.

- Exercise is your best friend Joe. It gives you time and space to clear that horrible mess that sometimes clouds your mind. It will all settle in time however.

Joe, this is the crappy bit (in house S). The really hard bit. You need to be the man you are now. You will need to control arguments by removing yourself from them, you will need to have NC as much as is possible and you will, most importantly need to stay really strong for your kids and you. I suffered the horrible cr@p you are suffering. However, I am now happy as much as the next man without this past.

You can do this and you will. Keep on doing what you are doing. You know what to do and how to do it. Just keep doing it. Yes you will have hard days, but just hit the gym or do what works.

Surfer.

[AnotherStander]

Great job with that convo Joe! You didn't allow yourself to get drawn into her argument traps. You kept your responses brief and to the point. Well done! I think you are right that she was probably lying about sex with OM in the MBR and wherever else, she was trying to force you out again.

But right now, this ultimate disrespect she is showing me and our family is just disgusting and spiteful. I can't have my kid around this mess. I've got to go.

I'm curious what you mean by this, are you thinking about leaving again? Didn't your lawyer advise you to stay?

[Joe2017]

V and Surfer: thank you for the support. It is so needed now that it's not even funny.

So here's the part that I did not want to mention: all of the pursuit stuff that surfer mentioned happened earlier in the night. Room to room, she followed me. Bathroom, everything. I eventually got in the bedroom and locked the door. She called a governmental third-party, hoping they would make me leave the house. She accused me of shoving her around and slamming the door on her. They didn't buy her story and nobody got forced out or detained.

The "spellbreaker" conversation I wrote about occurred after this incident with the third-party organization.

I am now tempted to leave the MH.

Thoughts and opinions are welcome. If I leave I know it's a sign of weakness and caving. She is trying everything to get me to move out of the MH. She just escalates more and more.