New LBS dealing with WW Part 3

[Surfer]

A teenager not engaged.

[AnotherStander]

AS:
To be honest, I haven't much time left in this marriage. Am I rushing? I sort of just have to. She filed D a week after BD. Everything I've read here says to just sign the paperwork if it looks fair and my attorney agrees. I've already been served the initial paperwork.

So. Do I desire to recon? Yes. Do I desire to D? Yes. But I have no choice in the matter. I could drag it out, but what's the point in that?

I understand that, but my point was more about you and your state of mind than the M or D. You're talking about "being done" and "being indifferent about the D" and I'm just saying that based on your posts I don't think you are anywhere close to done, and I don't think you're being honest with yourself about your feelings. You can't stop the D but that doesn't mean you're mentally OK with it or don't care about it.

I had to end full NC and go limited NC under the same roof. I went back to my home. I love the TXHubby approach, and I am trying to go that route.

Just make sure that you're not trying it as one of many strategies (which I'm getting the impression is exactly what you're doing). If you keep changing strategies every couple of weeks it just sends her mixed signals and contributes to her anger and resentment. The very reason it worked for TXH is because it WASN'T a strategy. He was beyond done with his W and her cheating ways and her emotional abuse and cake-eating. He had an epiphany that he was in control of his life and that he had been fighting for a W that didn't exist anymore, she had been replaced by a lying cheater he didn't even want. If you feel the same about your W then by all means go for it, but if you're just trying this out to see what happens then it's likely not going to go well.

Basically she is super mad that I went NC and would not communicate AND she's upset about having to relinquish the MBR. She said I'm trying to control her now, and that the lack of communication from me justifies her decision to D. Blah blah.

That's a pretty predictable response from her.

OK, does NC backfire? In the sense that today she is so mad about my NC that she has a surprise for me today and it could have been avoided if I had only talked to her over the past couple weeks. Doesn't sound promising.

NC is not intended to restore marriages. It is for when a situation is so toxic that the LBS has to do it to keep from going crazy. I've got to say though, you are sending her huge mixed signals by going NC and then suddenly moving back home. But when it comes to this stuff nothing ever really "backfires" because most WAS's are so far gone that nothing but time will bring them back anyway. But, it is very common for WAS's to blame the LBS for the WAS's choices and actions- "you've forced my hand" kind of crap. Don't believe it, she's just trying to guilt-trip you.

[Joe2017]

Surfer:
Thanks for the support. She is having a temper tantrum. It's old hat at this point. I think she and a friend are scheming on a way to force me out of the home. She was very mad about MBR. I told her she can sleep anywhere but I'm sleeping in the bed. I don't care if she sleeps there but I'm not sleeping anywhere else. She slept in another room after calling me a control freak.

AS:
I had to move back to my home per my attorney. I tried to get out, but my lawyer told me definitely not.

I had went NC on text and phone a week prior to the two week break I took away from her. While I was away from home it was as close to 100% NC as possible. When I came back, I took the store clerk mentality.

All I said today was "hello", "oh ok" and I said that her texts during the break did not meet my rules. She said I needed to change my rules and I said "No. I don't." and left the conversation.

NC helped me a lot. Every conversation with her she turned into an argument, so I had to do something. I was able to sort out a lot of my feelings, and while my emotions are still raw, I was able to finally think without her bothering me all the time. I think NC helped deal with the "withdrawals" the LBS can have from their spouse basically disappearing.

Today I listened to a song on the radio that I haven't been able to listen to since BD. I don't even recognize my W anymore. She's a totally different person. I also have a different sitch than TXHubby because WW already filed for D. I think today I decided that all I really want to do until this is over is sleep in the MBR and be left alone by WW.

None of her insults or threats have any sting to them anymore. I just don't care. When it involves my kid, thats a totally different story.

[AnotherStander]

I had to move back to my home per my attorney. I tried to get out, but my lawyer told me definitely not.

Ah, I see your reasoning. Makes sense.

All I said today was "hello", "oh ok" and I said that her texts during the break did not meet my rules. She said I needed to change my rules and I said "No. I don't." and left the conversation.

Good!

NC helped me a lot. Every conversation with her she turned into an argument, so I had to do something.

Yeah, that's exactly when NC is needed.

I don't even recognize my W anymore. She's a totally different person. I also have a different sitch than TXHubby because WW already filed for D. I think today I decided that all I really want to do until this is over is sleep in the MBR and be left alone by WW.

Well it may be a little different, but I think there are a lot of parallels. His W was very angry/argumentative/confrontational like yours is, and had that same haughty attitude. It's amazing how she snapped out of it though, it really does go to show that even though WAS's often change into unrecognizable monsters they -can- change back again.

None of her insults or threats have any sting to them anymore. I just don't care.

That's kind of the point TXH got to as well. It sounds like maybe this isn't a "strategy" to you after all as I mentioned earlier, but rather your state of mind really is similar to his now. You've had enough and you're going to do your thing and leave her to her mess.

[Joe2017]

I understand that, but my point was more about you and your state of mind than the M or D. You're talking about "being done" and "being indifferent about the D" and I'm just saying that based on your posts I don't think you are anywhere close to done, and I don't think you're being honest with yourself about your feelings. You can't stop the D but that doesn't mean you're mentally OK with it or don't care about it.

Wow you are so right. I just had a little breakdown because I toured my new office at work. I worked so hard to get this new job and move up the ladder and I did it for my family and my wife. And I just wanted to make them proud. I wanted to bring my W to my job one day and say "Hey look, everything is going to work out and we're going to be great!" But now she literally hates me.

I know this falls under GAL for myself and nobody else. This job is now to build a better life for my one kid, not my has-been family.

I can't explain my emotional state anymore. I start counseling next week so I hope it helps me. I was very strong yesterday but today I'm back to being vulnerable and lonely.

Thank you everyone here. I don't think I'd be even halfway as stable as I am right now without you wonderful people.

[Joe2017]

That's kind of the point TXH got to as well. It sounds like maybe this isn't a "strategy" to you after all as I mentioned earlier, but rather your state of mind really is similar to his now. You've had enough and you're going to do your thing and leave her to her mess.

I am so tired of her BS that I just want her to leave me the F alone! She said she didn't want to be around me at all yesterday and she hates my guts, etc. I just said "OK, then leave" and I went back to my workout. It's maddening and I just want her to go away!!!!!

So tired of the mind games! Like, you CANNOT get mad at me for leaving you completely the F alone and then tell me in your next breath that you hate the sound of my voice. I mean, really!?

She is just unrecognizable, it is really sad. I didn't know the WAW/WW was a thing! But it is, and it's REAL! This woman is in a fog just like Sandi describes in her posts.

And the worst part is that I'm powerless to change it.

[Joe2017]

In reading TXHubby's threads he believes in exposing the A. I don't know how to do this tactfully. I found out that her employer is enabling her behavior by letting her work from home and giving her financial support. I wish I could expose her lies to the world.

[Vanilla]

Now let's be clear.

There is a difference between "exposure" and enabling.

The stance is I will not lie nor cover up your A. If asked I will tell the truth. I have the right to discuss my sitch with whomever I want, whenever I want.

That's the stance and it need not be articulated.

To do otherwise is enabling.

This is entirely different from telling the world, her boss, OM other half or announcing it on FB.

If asked you can say "we separated because WW is having an A with scumbag featured slime ball grot features. Yes and she is working from home gives her more scope for dropping her knickers"

Put together your story it will help you and cut short any manipulation on her side.

If she asks you simply say "I am not going to lie about why we are S"

Well done in getting back in your home and the MBR.

V

[Joe2017]

So apparently our attorneys have contacted each other and now WW is very mad.

According to her, I am going to contest the divorce in hopes of changing her mind, which is not something I discussed with my attorney. I told my attorney I need some more time to make a decision. She is now calling me selfish, manipulative, and pathetic. I'll never be the man she wants to love, etc. Now she is going to fight me for everything, blah blah blah.

Well, that's that I guess. This one is over and done. Lol

[Joe2017]

Goodness gracious. After that long rant detailing how she thinks I'm a pathetic sniveling loser, yada yada and explaining that all communication will go through our lawyers from now on...

She has texted me several times. Sheesh.