New LBS dealing with WW Part 3

[Joe2017]

.Why do you care what she is wearing? Why are you following her on SM? How does this help you detach and move on? Is this benefiting you?

To be clear, I am not following her on SM. I'm going by what she was wearing when she came home from a party. I haven't seen her nor had any voice communication in 2 weeks. I have not checked on her whereabouts, her SM, or anything else during this time. This reaction about her clothes is just a result of me being insulted by her behavior.

I took the MBR back around week 2 into this process, but I have been away from home for a couple weeks now so I am taking it back when I return. She is well aware of this and has mentioned her disdain for it but she can't do anything about it either.

What a pain. I'm going to start the hardcore IDGAF because I can't care anymore. I have to focus ALL of the good emotions I have left on myself and my kid.

[Parkema]

Joe,

First DON’T GIVE UP HOPE.

I see this so much: Quite new LBS’s will get to a point where the going gets tough and you see no future with your WS, statistically speaking A’s don’t have that great a chance of evolving into a long term relationship. I think I read less than 10% and those that do leave their long term partner for their AP/LO and re-marry only 3% remain married after 5-years.

What I do suggest though is FORGET ABOUT HER, realise you have no control over her and if RC is what you want then you’re on her timeline. What is the point of putting a lot of focus on the what’s where’s and why’s which is hurting you mentally?

You need to understand to a degree she can’t help what she’s doing, she should never have crossed the line but now that she has she’s hooked/infatuated FOR THE TIME BEING! As with everything in nature with time deterioration has to happen, habitual hibernation will eventually kick in and the dopamine will subside, now she might stay and live a lesser life with her AP/LO once this all happens BUT with you DR’ing for your future life without realising it the attraction this creates could draw her back.

Yes realise the MR is dead but also have one eye on MR 2.0, the sooner you understand you have no control over her A the better.

With every day that passes the more common their relationship becomes…

Hope this helps.

Mark.

Oh by the way usually many BS who do achieve RC no longer feel the need to post on here so take what you see with a pinch of salt.

[petri]

Joe: My W moved out Sep. 1. Before that she shut down totally. I was a total mess, had to use sleeping pills etc. Early on I decided to get therapy and went to MC by myself. But not after I started reading posts here it came clear to me. I was clinging to the thought that I can fix her, save our M by myself, defending her actions to others, trying to figure out what is "wrong" with her etc. I understood I need to stop that. Everyone close to me tried to tell me the same, EVEN MY W!!!. "Let her go" But when it came from the "outside" from an objective source it really hit me. Everyone was right. This is the hardest thing you will ever do. Me losing my brother almost at the same time with a couple of BDs didn't help. But now I now that will have the resilience of a tank. It's going to take alot to bring me down in the future. Take day by day. Don't give alot to what she looks like, what she wears. In part she does it to get to you. Just let it pass. And throw her out of the MBR!
Best wishes lad! You'll make it. We all do eventually.

[joejoe1]

Joe,

Slow down, take a breath and breath. Please go for a walk or long car drive. Remember this is not a sprint it's a marathon. There will be days when you want to throw in the towel, but you did the right thing by coming to the board first.

I called a lawyer after about three weeks of DB to ask about D, and the lawyer told me to explain my situation, and she told me I wasn't ready to D, she also said my W wasn't ready, even after I explained all that was going on. She told me that she has dealt with a lot of M and D and we haven't gotten to that point of D yet.

Most LBS have been where you at, I was spinning for weeks, but you have to find a way to let the old M go and work on yourself, make yourself on a person a fool would leave. The only way to do that, is not worry or care about what your W is doing. Now it's time for you to start to get better. I talked to GOD and found my grace. Once I felt GOD's grace, I was able to slow myself down and react and act in the moments I needed to around my W and for myself.

This is the hardest thing you will ever do, it will come with mistakes, wanting to give up on the M and your W. It will also come with you wanting to show your W a attractive, confident, positive, and masculine Joe2018, not Joe2017. Let's go Joe2018. A new and better you.

[petri]

Joejoe: I read an article just today about being ready to D. I don't think we're ready either. At least according to the article. It's funny when the other half is so keen on pushing it forward but they really are not ready. Not understanding what it really means to divorce.

[TBSakaJ9]

To be clear, I am not following her on SM

Good!

I'm going by what she was wearing when she came home from a party. I haven't seen her nor had any voice communication in 2 weeks. I have not checked on her whereabouts, her SM, or anything else during this time. This reaction about her clothes is just a result of me being insulted by her behavior.

Good! Just don't let her know or show her you are insulted by her behavior. Keep your feelings close to your vest. Poker right?

I took the MBR back around week 2 into this process, but I have been away from home for a couple weeks now so I am taking it back when I return. She is well aware of this and has mentioned her disdain for it but she can't do anything about it either.

Good.....she is cheating and you don't share your bed with a cheater. She made a choice and their are consequences to her decision.

What a pain. I'm going to start the hardcore IDGAF because I can't care anymore. I have to focus ALL of the good emotions I have left on myself and my kid.

Good! our kid should be priority number 1! Just remember in your IDGAF attitude to not come across as cold, punitive or vindictive. Some people confuse detaching with coming across as angry or cold. IF it seems that way to you then you will need to tweak. Make sense?

[AnotherStander]

I think what's getting to me the most is the deep sense of loneliness I'm experiencing. Despite being surrounded by family, co-workers, and friends I always feel so alone. I'm a man and I feel like I need a woman. And I'm denied that because I'm still married and I don't believe in cheating. I'm trying not to harbor resentment for WW, but that's a daily struggle that I've been having.

I can't remember if this was in Michele's books or another book I read, but somewhere I read about "need" versus "want" and it has really stuck with me. It's OK to "want" someone, but when you "need" someone then there is something wrong within you, a void you're trying to fill with someone else. One of the most critical steps in recovering from the loss of your spouse is learning to be happy BY YOURSELF. If you don't love yourself then you are ill-equipped to love someone else. After BD we feel defeated and worthless, so recovering requires building back up our self-esteem and confidence. And that is exactly what DB'ing is all about. Get out. GAL. Work on yourself. Become the spouse only a fool would leave. Get back to a healthy place in your life (physically and emotionally), and then you will be ready to start a new R with your W or someone else. It takes time, personally I think anyone who starts dating less than a year after BD is rushing things.

I hope that starting DB 3 weeks after BD wasn't too late.

Meaning you still want to save your M? Then why say this in the next breath:

I am getting close to being indifferent about the D.

I don't think you're being honest with yourself. Your emotions are clearly still all over the place. And that is perfectly fine, these things take time and it is totally normal to have crazy emotions for the first few months. If you tell me in a year that you are indifferent about the D then I'll believe you. But right now? It's still too raw for you to know that. Don't try to convince yourself you're done, you've got a long road ahead of you before you can come to that conclusion.

I really hate this but I didn't choose this path, she did.

I read this sentiment a lot on these boards, especially right after BD. The thing is, if you ask her then she will say YOU are the reason this happened. There's a reason that most states have gone to no-fault divorce, the courts have given up and thrown their hands in the air in trying to figure out whose fault D is. You say she dropped the bomb, she says you neglected her for years. Who is right? Here's the truth of the matter- we all put our M's on autopilot and they withered away while we weren't looking. I firmly believe that BOTH spouses are to blame when a M fails. Own your part in it and quit trying to assign blame. Blame leads to resentment, resentment to anger and hatred.

After an entire night of tossing and turning, I've begun to seriously let go of the idea of recon. I haven't had any real sleep and reading post after post I realized that the majority of LBS do not get a chance at R.

After 6 weeks? Here's what I think is going on, you want the pain to end. You're thinking that if you give up hope, get a D and start a new R with someone else then that'll make all the pain go away. But it won't. You can't rush your recovery, you've got to be patient.

By the way most LBS's do get a chance at recon. But not on the timeline they want. Usually it's years later, and by then they've moved on and are no longer interested.

I'm closer to being done with this than I ever have been before.

I really don't think you're in the state of mind right now to know that. Like we say, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Take a deep breath. Recenter yourself. Get out and GAL and keep yourself busy and don't worry about whether your M is dead or not, that's for you to figure out much, much later. Ask yourself, why would you want to throw all your W's stuff out of the MBR and lock the door? Is that coming from a place of love and forgiveness or anger and resentment? What are your goals? Does that action get you closer to your goals or farther away?

[Joe2017]

EVERY ONE OF YOU IS RIGHT.

I'm all over the place emotionally. But I decided to do it here instead of at home. In front of WW I have to be cool and calm. I can't flip flop there. I can do it here and thank God for you all who can slap me back into reality.

Do I want recon? Man I wish it was that easy. Don't we all? I know I wasn't perfect in our marriage, and I did contribute to her resentment. And vice versa! Probably even more!

Yes I want the pain to end. I couldn't get the image of her out living the GGW single life out of my mind. I know I have to give up on the M. It's over. Obviously. What we had will never come back. There is only the future.

Throwing her stuff out of the MBR is honestly me wanting to show more dominance and more evidence that I'm dumping her. If I could toss her out of the house I would. "Go live your life and stop dragging me down."

I am tired. I'm sleepy. I'm exhausted. I'm at the end of my rope. I no longer care what she says to me anymore. Her lies and insults don't bother me anymore. I outright expect her to be nuts now. I have no connection to this new "wife". I'm holding onto what she once WAS, not what she is NOW.

This is tough. Thanks for everyone's help. Really.

[joejoe1]

Joe,

Don't hold on to what she was. Hope for what she can become. Because the people you and her were is why you are here. She has as much work to do as you if you'll recon.

Let go of that okd M and W. They are long gone, never to return.

Keep you head up. Onward and forward.

[Joe2017]

I don't know what she can become. She has the heart of a WW right now and that is a scary thing to deal with. She will constantly try to play mind games and blame me for everything. It is not going to be a good time returning to the home.

She is in the rebellion phase. Blaming me for her lack of finances and freedom (lol?) when those are ultimately the results of her own actions. I've read a lot of Sandi's posts and I know that this is normal wayward behavior. It will not be easy to deal with.

She looks like my beautiful wife but she is an evil twin. I have to deal with this even keeled and calmly. Nothing she says will be logical. Everything will be accusatory. She is going to make my life hell as much as possible, I think.

This will take a lot of prayers.