I feel like it will be a volatile return to my home so I am going to be very careful not to stir the pot. She is very likely going to have a moment when she tries to yell at me and blame me for all of her problems. That's going to be difficult, but I think I'm ready for it.
You may never really never know what caused it. The best advice I can give you is to take stock of how you feel about yourself as a man and work to improve on those things. For me it meant my physical appearance, new clothes, etc. It also meant getting off the couch and dong more things with my D's and being active outside around the house.
Try really hard to not get sucked in emotionally, IMO early on it is very important because she is just looking for reasons to confirm she made the right decision. Anything she can grab onto to fuel her fire she will, right now you can't help your R you can only hurt it. If you feel yourself starting to get sucked in please catch yourself and let your W know you would like to have this conversation at a later date in a calm manner. Listen, validate but walk away in a calm manner if she starts to yell. Not getting sucked in is how you can get respect back. If you yell back, or go tit for tat the cycle will continue.
Gaining back her respect is a tough one to strategize. I don't know what it will take.
Without reading the rest of the thread, I think your focus is a little off here. Instead of trying to gain her respect, I would recommend to work to be a man who demands respect from others.
See, you cant control whether or not she respects you. But you can and should work to be someone who is respected. And you can also remove people from your life who treat you with disrespect.
J....Accuracy posted this about dealing with an upset spouse. I thought I would share. IF it is a must that you contact your W and it can't wait then contact her.
If W is having a temper tantrum the "hierarchy of strength" is as follows:
1) Stay in her presence and maintain your composure. This is the hardest thing to do, therefore it takes the most strength. I heard a talk once where the person asked "if you were at a restaurant with your spouse and you wanted to make them instantly very angry, would you know what to do or say?" For most people the answer is "definitely" -- she knows what buttons to push. (The other half of that was "if you wanted to make them feel loved would you know what to do or say?" and that tends to be more elusive)
Staying in her presence doesn't mean you have to tolerate anything. You can just calmly repeat "I will not engage in conversation with you if you ________. If you want to discuss this calmly, I'm happy to talk to you." Lather, rinse, repeat.
2) Announce to her that you're going to leave the conversation and why (calmly). Then give her a chance to continue the conversation on your terms. If she doesn't abide by your boundaries, then you leave, and explain that you told her what you needed, she didn't do it, and now you're leaving the conversation.
3) Explain to her that you're going to leave the conversation, but don't give her a chance to correct her behavior, just leave.
4) Leave the conversation without explaining to her why you're doing it.
5) Let her get your emotions up and lose your temper.
Evaluate where you are on the spectrum -- if you're at 3 or 4, don't try to just shoot for 1 because chances are you won't be able to do it. Just try to go one notch up the scale until that feels comfortable, and then try to go one more notch up. Be patient with yourself, changing behavior is very hard and takes time and repetition, but eventually it becomes automatic.
That's a great strategy. I appreciate detailing the different levels like that.
I'm usually somewhere between 1 and 3, depending on the mood of WW.
Today is day five of no communication from her to me in any form. NC has been good for my mind. I do have to contact her regarding a bill that has to get paid so that breaks the silence, unfortunately.
I guess I will just have to grin and bear it until this D is over. I know I can't rush this process, because our state has a divorce cooldown period. I do think if the D was over and done with I'd be able to start healing faster. I just have to endure it.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
So, today is the fourth day in a row that she has not contacted me at all since I started NC. What are the most likely reasons for this?
I would say the most likely reason is she doesn't want to talk to you. One of the things I learned from Sandi that was quite an eye-opener is that often the WAS is just sick and tired of the LBS. They usually don't like the LBS and sometimes even hate them. They are heaping a lot of blame and resentment on the LBS, and every time the LBS texts or emails or calls it's just a reminder of how much they hate communication with them. So when you go NC, it FINALLY gives them a break. It gives them some room to breathe. LBSs tend to think the WAS is so broken up about losing the LBS that all the LBS has to do is say the right thing and the WAS will come running back. So the LBS keeps trying and trying to "say" whatever that magic phrase is. But there isn't one, and all that talking and contact is just pressure on the WAS when they want zero pressure. Every bit of pressure just makes things worse.
Anyway what you should not be doing right now is fretting over why she's not contacting you. NC is for YOU, not her. You go NC to gather yourself up, change your focus, recharge and develop a plan for moving YOURSELF forward from here.
AS: Right. Alright, just so there's no confusion, I have put no effort into sending her any communication that is not business. Even then it is one maybe two sentences. The last time she really tried to communicate was 5 days ago when she asked me to call her. I did not. Eventually I got a scathing message from her that was really out of control. I did not respond. That was the real last communication other than an email about money. She went dark after that.
I have not tried to say anything to "get her back" in at least 2.5-3 weeks. We are only about 6 weeks into this sitch now so I detached relatively early on.
After I went NC she would message me daily but got no response from me. Now she's gone dark too.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
I think what's getting to me the most is the deep sense of loneliness I'm experiencing. Despite being surrounded by family, co-workers, and friends I always feel so alone. I'm a man and I feel like I need a woman. And I'm denied that because I'm still married and I don't believe in cheating. I'm trying not to harbor resentment for WW, but that's a daily struggle that I've been having.
NC has helped me a lot, but I still miss so much of my old life before BD. Oh well... Guess it takes time.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
The first 1.5 months are extremely hard and contained some of my darkest days. It does get better with time. Focus on yourself, try not to worry about what she is up to or thinking. Like they say use your time wisely, take stock of your life and what areas you would like to improve on for yourself and work on making those improvements.
At first you will miss yuor old life but as you continue down the path at some point you will realize you weren't overly happy either in the relationship. Find your own happiness so you don't need to rely on anyone else for it.
Everything you said is true. I'm trying so hard to do this the right way. It is not easy. This is harder than anything I've been through before, and that's a lot of crap.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
