Good evening wonderful people not much of an update here from my "double life" existence (although I can't say I'm looking forward to my W going to her work Christmas party this Friday). I am in fact asking for specific advice for which I have seen comments here before. Don't know if it's anything to do with the "first anniversary" coming up but I am finding myself developing feelings for one of the other Moms in my D's class. From what I have seen here this is not recommended as I am not in the correct frame of mind at the moment and probably am not thinking straight in any case and will end up even more screwed up. I guess any female attention should be taken as an ego boost but my god I can understand limerance now!
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
Just to say to everyone out there all the best for the festive season and a hopeful new year (under all our circumstances!). I would also like to thank everyone for their stirling advice to me over what has probably been the worst year of my life. I also apologise if I ended up hijacking anyone's posts but my mind is not always on the ball these days and if I see a powerful contribution I tend to overenthuse and go into "streams of consciousness" mode! Anyway I still hope to have a review conversation with my W over the next week. A couple of chinks in her facade have appeared recently (more on that another time) so now would certainly be a good time.
All the best
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
Hi all and once again Happy New Year! Due to a lot of travelling over the last week I did not really have the time to sit down with my W for a proper chat about the last year (in retrospect I think she may well closed down any formal conversation in any case). So on our way walking to New Year festivities last night I dropped into the conversation what an "interesting" year it had been but how does she feel about us now. She said things were OK now and I basically said "good, because if you're happy, I'm happy". But I also said that I do not want a repeat of a year like that. So I didn't really labour anything, any discussion of the mental trauma can wait for another time. She has definitely been on her best behaviour over Christmas so it has been great for DD. Clearly I wasn't going to get the running to the toilet/bedroom with her phone this time around (unlike last year) so I guess I'll just have to take it from here and rely on the gut feelings, as per.
My trusted cousin said to me "what, another conversation?!" so I emphasised that it was more about me summing up the year more than anything else. There have been a few instances of "you never listen to me" as well a bizarre outburst when she got in from a work dinner where I had forgot (genuinely) to inform her about traffic problems that were supposed to have cleared hours earlier. What I got was along the lines of "it's a pity (me not informing her) this came on one of the couple of occasions a year I actually get to go out, as the rest of the year I am chained to the kitchen sink". WTF? I have given her a ton of freedom last year (she's been out loads of times) and I only went out on my own into town 3 times so as to create a dutiful image for myself (whilst nor pursuing, of course). So after that she's writing a card and I am waiting for a message to confirm the address and suddenly it's "why are you hovering over me?" (which I wasn't) so I leave the room. When I come back later mysteriously her phone had appeared next to where she was writing. Anyway, whatever! After that like I said she was good as gold.
Had a long chat last week with a close friend who is going through an awful D of his own at the moment (I have pointed him to this board of course). He agrees with me that, with my sitch, I should tough it out for my D's sake (unless something dramatic happens in the meantime, like "new evidence"). Strangely enough, his wife informed him it was all over because he had not been meeting his emotional needs. So I guess there is an unwritten text book out there! Anyway, to everyone out there, onwards and upwards!
all the best
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
Hello, CW2017... I have followed your sitch from the start... Yours is the one I care about most... As a former WW, I feel so much guilt as I follow your sitch because you seem so much like my H... He did not deserve any of the crap I put him through... I was foolish, selfish...
The thing is, he knew quite a bit about my deceitfulness for months, and said nothing... That was a mistake... Keeping it to himself only let my lustful feelings for AP deepen to where the A relationship became compulsive... I never saw myself as ending up with AP... I didn't want that... But after being so deep in the affair, I could not see myself going back to my boring marriage (which was not boring, but after the affair, it seemed that way to me)... So when my A ended, I was open to other As... Emotional or physical...
I think that keeping things to yourself is not helping your marriage, but actually hurting it...
Hi Artista your insightful comments have sent a dagger through the heart, in the nicest possible way! And also on behalf of everyone else I would like to thank you for your awesome contributions to date. I guess deep down I know what the end game is going to be and the limbo will ultimately be broken by a mistake on my W's part and that will lead to only one course of action. As a committed Christian I would hopefully use D proceedings as a means to blast her bubble apart and pull her back from the brink (forgiveness rather than trust on my part to begin with). I am assuming this is the "love of her life" and that her heavy flirting in the past stems from deep insecurity (absentee father, no allowing of boyfriends due to her culture, etc.), i.e. this is not serial behaviour but I guess will never find out why (I said as much to my friend last week when I was discussing his STBXW with him). Strangely enough my public sector employer set up a men's mental health seminar recently, which included the participation of a well known (in the UK) psychotherapist/MC. We all had to submit 2 sentence summaries beforehand of our sitches. He only had about 5 min at the end for mine but admitted he could have spent the whole hour on it. He said that this was a really tricky one and, in his opinion, the only way to rectify this is for a major shock to her system, such as D, which of course is one of the trains of thought on these boards.
So on the subject of me keeping silent (and it has just occurred to me this is the first anniversary of BD -just saw my tag line!- as I had not intended to signify it), this was because I guess I am the classic nice guy (with steel teeth when required). In my case I had overbearing parents whose volcanic (but deeply loving) relationship led to a fear on my part of visiting home in case there had been a seismic argument. Hence there has always been a need on my part to defuse upsetting situations (clearly for my own benefit). My live-in MIL is very frail and of course there is the DD, i.e. I am trying to protect them from, essentially, an idiot. There probably is some fear in there as well about living on my own but the great people on here show me it is feasible but of course not without a lot of pain. Ulltimately, of course, my mental health will have to come first and that will be the driving force...
thank you again
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
Hi all just a small point/observation. There has been a bit of discussion across the boards recently on a couple of issues, namely "one step forward, three steps back" as well as not realising how much co-dependency might still be involved unbeknownst. Well, it was my birthday last Friday. Although I was probably overtired from a heavy first week back at work, I was a bit upset that my W (and her mother, although that's another story) did not get me a card (although my DD did by virtue of her mother). Although this has not been the first time (I think) I saw it as a reflection of the lack of respect on her part. So it knocked me sideways a bit which just goes to show how easy it is for certain buttons to be pressed (despite feeling quite strong at the time) and how interwtined I still appear to be (without overanalysing of course!)
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
CW2017--hey... how are things? we are already in March, and i wonder about your situation often... as i have told you before, i care most about your situation as it resonates with me and what i put my H and marriage through... i hope you are well... i hope your are better than well...
