You have been given excellent advice the last day or so. You don't have to deadbolt the door, but you can leave it ajar or just firmly shut it for the time being. Trying to talk to someone who is operating on pure emotions is only going to frustrate you even more so. You, and only you, can decide when you've had enough the frustration and leave him to himself and move forward w/your life.
Leave your life to the fullest and act as if he's not coming back. The best revenge in all of this is to live a fulfilled life.
Thanks OwnIt & Job - I found the thread and read it all. Very interesting and I see the similarities to some of my own thinking. Overall I think I am behind Leahsue but I sense a rapid advancement for me soon.
I've turned a corner of some kind. Despite his apology, I am still fuming at H's insensitivity of the other day. That was the last straw and it blew the lid off all the other insensitivies that I have stuffed down. I have been able to reexamine most of those the last few days starting at BD.
What I see now is a disgusting selfish pathetic little boy/man with poor character, low morals, and no integrity. Promises mean nothing to him, or vows. For him the M vows meant this: in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part UNLESS someone more exciting and more beautiful comes along.
I am still in Anger mode and have been since Sunday. I have to admit it feels GOOD. To let that anger out instead of hold it in. The anger seems to be giving me more emotional distance from H which is also good. Right now I don't want phone calls from H so I don't pick up when he calls. That also feels good. It's obvious to me right now that NC would be the best thing going forward. H is resisting that but I really don't care about what he wants.
Right now I am in Limbo - basically not Standing but not making a firm decision for the future either. Not yet anyway, but that is coming. If I meet someone who interests me I would only agree to coffee dates but nothing more. The only reason I wouldn't go further is that my therapist says it's too soon for me and it would just cause me more problems. It has nothing to do with H. If I was ready I would date - plain and simple.
Okay,, moving forward and getting ready to move on. I will do it slowly though and make sure my decision isn't made in haste.
It is so freeing to let those calls go to voice mail!!! Way to go. You sound good.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Probably no surprise to anyone here (but to me), I'm cycling again and away from the anger of the last few days. Now at the opposite - compassion. (D@mn...)
H called yesterday - very kind to me and is giving me an extra $500 for Christmas to do with as I wish. Told him not necessary and he said to please allow him to do this for me. Also said again how sorry he was for his crappy reaction the other night.
I have to admit that he has been very generous financially to his own detriment. He says he caused the financial problems and wants to do the 'right thing' and alleviate the suffering at my end. Didn't argue about that or the $500 extra for Christmas.
He tells me he is okay but not happy, never has been and thinks he will never be happy. It's his lot in life. I said I'm sorry he's dealing with that and that's all I said. I was dying to say though... "the common denominator is you - your circumstances change and you are still unhappy. Look inside, be still, and feel the emotions that arise - stop running away from them", etc etc. But I know better than to say that so kept quiet.
Before our blow-up on Sunday we agreed to get together this weekend, just before Christmas. He brought it up again today and I agreed but for a short time only as I have a lot to do to get ready for my trip. (I feel so weak right now... that I agreed.)
Then, H says he hopes we can go out for a pub night early in the New Year.
We talked a bit about how our eating habits have changed for the worse. Both our attitudes seem to be that preparing a meal for just ourselves, it's not worth the effort to make a proper meal. Then H offered to come by next month to BBQ steaks for us. If that happens it will be the second time only that we have eaten a meal together since he moved out 3 months ago.
I don't know what to think about these plans of his. Trying not to have ANY expectations but that is so difficult when he is being very kind. (I've never really seen Monster from him at all. No spewing of any kind since this all began. Instead I see a lot of remorse and huge guilt).
I can't help but wonder though if these touch and goes are changing somewhat. Since he's moved out there has been no more than 3 days without hearing from him by text (occasionally), phone (the usual), or email (almost never). These have been clearly touch and goes though because they are so short. Phone calls a few minutes and visits are usually to do things that need to be done and then gone like the wind.
Then the pub night last week - 90 minutes at the pub. Not exactly a touch and go. Then his suggestions for another pub night and a BBQ at home - again not exactly a touch and go. He's still in early Replay so they aren't re-connections either. So what are they?
Last edited by job; 12/20/1708:08 AM. Reason: edited sentence for GalPal
It's the holiday season and you may see more activity of wanting to get together and do things and some won't want to be bothered. Your h wants to have family time because he's still feeling a connection to his old life and self. He sees you as a friend right now and who knows...maybe he doesn't have anyone else to be with at this time. But, whatever the reason, if you want to go out w/him, by all means do so...but if you feel it's hindering your own healing, then limit the time you spend with him.
Yep, the man is still in replay and I've seen his type of behavior quite frequently on here. If he offers you money, take it. If he offers to do some chores at home, take him up on the offer, if you feel comfortable doing so.
I am going to suggest that you look up Coly23's threads. Her h has done very similar when it comes to meeting up and doing things w/her and her daughter.
Time will tell where his head is at after the holidays. For now, pack for your trip and travel safely.
Maybe he wants to be your friend but not your H? That’s what my w wants. Some LBS can accept friend status but that’s not what I want right now so I keep my distance.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
It is hard to know what to think, how to act, or what to do when they are nice and act like their old selves. Even for just a minute.
My H is not interested in seeing or talking to me at all and if he was I'm not sure what I would do. I do miss him very much and would like to spend time with him but am not sure how it would go.
I agree with job, do whatever YOU are comfortable with. Enjoy your trip.
Job - I did check into Coly's link and our H's are very similar except mine rarely goes more than 3 days without contacting me. That's now... but when he goes further into Replay I bet the contact frequency drops a lot. Her cycling is very similar to mine too. Interesting to read about someone else whose sitch is similar.
Gordie - H has wanted to keep the friendship from the very beginning. It hasn't gone that way though and there isn't much now to call it friends.
Not sure his increased contact has to do with the holidays. His first attempt since BD to restore our friendship was around the end of November.
For Christmas - he has his family to see on Christmas Day but I'm guessing he will keep it short so he can get home to have a lengthy chat with his OW (long distance).
Hunny
Having contact so frequently is a mixed bag for me. He is kind and nice but still nothing like his old self. The problem is that eeing them so frequently makes it harder to detach and harder to have NO expectations. And it doesn't always go smoothly and then I'm upset for a couple of days after. NC always feels better. So I don't initiate anything. It's a difficult call for me to say I would limit it further because I wonder if he would stop being so generous with the money.
I also feel the same as you. I am still fairly new here so I'm learning as I go but my H is still at home at the moment (due to leave beginning of Jan) but as our kids don't know yet he just comes and goes as he pleases acting kind, doing chores which he never did in the 18 yrs we've been married so I don't know what to make of it all really.
I find it is soooo much easier in the week when he is away at work and he also does a fair bit of travelling but find weekends are hard when he is around. I am acting politely and civil at the moment but not sure whether he wants me to appreciate him more as that was one of things I wasn't particularly good at doing so feel that is one of the changes I need to make for myself.
It is so hard but I know I will become a stronger person for it. Good luck!
